it's funny because it's true

Two years of friendship down the drain. I guess I wasn't worth your time.

I need to cut so badly I need to cut I need to cut I need to cut I need to see the blood I need to feel the pain I need to cut I need to cut I need to cut I need to I need more scars it's not enough the urges won't go away I need to cut so so so badly the urges won't leave me alone every time I get near a blade my hands start to twitch and my brain tells me to use it I need to cut so badly omg I literally need to cut I need to I need to cut I need to cut

I sit against the corner of my bed and wonder and whisper and ask and try and the universe seems to answer that there is hope, because the boards and nails of the universe are hope. But I am blind to all but the splintering edges of it, the bloody fingernails from clutching to it. If the universe is hope than I am elsewhere all together. A worker dismissed from site when my work was completed, not made to enjoy the world I am part of. They say they can see every name etched in the curves, adding and shifting, and impermeable. But I have smoothed over my own, worn it down in service of others’ shining more brightly.

Do you think the sacrificial lamb was let into heaven, enough though it was no longer pure? Do you think it was blamed for the red marring its wool?

I don’t think I remember being a child. Not really. I remember being on duty. I don’t think I remember letting the tension out of my shoulders in laughter. But I remember what taught me to stand up straight.