👉🏻👌🏻

*eminem voice* *falls into a hole in a sewer grate before saying anything*

Generally, the house spiders and I have an understanding. I like having them around because they eat nastier pests, and as long as they stay out of high traffic areas and don’t build their webs in inconvenient spots, I leave them be and we all coexist just fine. However. Spider on my bed has broken the treaty

My regular spiders have discretion. They occupy the air space and the area behind my bookshelves and in return they are moved out of the shower and when I’m vacuuming. They do not touch my bed. Interlopers who break these rules go to the prison jar followed by convict transportation down the driveway

if i was a soccer player i'd simply kick that ball in the goal instead of wasting everyone's time

that one rihanna ig post with Mine’s Bigger Than Yours written in the background w the caption My dick AND my forehead! is like poetry to me

let me be pervertly clear

seeing guys naked just never gets old

help I’m having ideas beyond my available free time

help I'm having ideas beyond my available energy levels

sometimes i'm like "I regret not having the college experience" then I come across a social media post like "my boyfriend still has the frat cooler a girl in college made him" and i'm now really grateful I was never in such a state of mind where I wanted to decorate a cooler for a guy in a fraternity. it's also possible I just have a lot of hate in my heart and wish suffering on more well adjusted individuals

went to a new optometrist today wearing my squid facts ‘save our freaks dont mine the deep’ shirt from @sarahmackattack that has a strawberry squid on it. and i wasn’t even thinking about it but the optometrist walked in and he was like ‘oh what does your shirt say’ so i showed him and he was like ‘oh that’s neat!’ and then i thought he might like to know about strawberry squid eyes since they have weird eyes and he is an optometrist and all. so i was like ‘yeah it’s actually a real kind of squid called a strawberry squid, their eyes are really cool because they have one big yellow-green one and one small blue one’ and he kind of gasped and went ‘oh my god that’s so interesting i wonder why they have that. do you know what their retina composition is like?’ and i watched as he minimized my chart on the computer and started looking up images of strawberry squid and then he googled ‘strawberry squid retina composition’ and he was like ‘sorry we’ll get to your eye exam in a moment i just really want to find out’ LMAO 10/10 optometrist experience will be returning

American woodcock (Scolopax minor)