.Ouraion

anything at all and see years pass by, like you are not even alive. But I’m happy seeing all the changes in me. So lucky I met all those wonderful people! Being such unemotional and reserved person stuck in depression for almost half of my life, I now feel like a young kid, that just started exploring this world, taking first cautios steps. Discovering my own emotions, feelings, wants I didn’t even knew existed. If you don’t have such problems, it may sound funny I guess, but for me the issue was almost unbearable :) There was even a time, when I didn’t have any energy nor strength to get out of bed, wishing I was never born to this world or at least that I could never wake up. Since being very young I was searching for an answer of ‘what’s wrong with me?’, trying my best to fit in and failing miserably until that one moment I was gifted with a sunny person that I will never stop loving. Those years were beautiful. I started thinking, maybe there’s nothing wrong with me, maybe I’m just different, like everybody are. When our ways parted, I felt like I’m so dead inside, I could easily be mistook for a real corpse and no one would notice the difference XD Though I was prepared to such events, I was so broken it was no joke. It was so traumatising I even have a memory loss for about a year. I can’t recal what was I doing, with whom was I talking almost everyday during that one year, where was I going...It's a HUGE memory blackout :D I was even expelled from University several times those dark years, but didn’t give a damn, trying to cope through life issues x’D It took me around 7-8 years to come back to my sences and stop that wound from bleeding and hurting. Urgh~ One of my now best friends was given to me just in that right time. Reaching out to me everyday, it could be sooooo annoying if I could feel anything, but I was so amased and also didn’t understand WHY ME of all people, because I was not much funnier than a stone, just WHY :D

It’s been 8 years we know each other and 7 years we are closeclose friends such I consider a part of my family д Also about 20-21 years since my depression started. Around 15 years since I was so done and expirienced my first breakdown, that was powerful enough to make me lose my temper and all my reasons. 13 years since I wanted to feel anything so bad, that I started cutting myself, but being a person with a very high pain tolerance, I again felt nothing at all. That cost me half the year of total ignorance from one of my best friends, that accidently saw the cuts and thought it was their fault and avoided me for a long time. It felt so bad. [Gladly, I managed to clear misunderstanding and it’s almost 20 years now that we are friends Д! ] And it’s been almost 11 years since I had a breakdown losing my soulmate. My depression reached rock-bottom, never was it worse. And also it’s almost 4 years it stopped hurting so bad. For all those years I was smiling and laughing like everyone around me. Was looking like almost a complitely normal person. And I thought it was just something wrong with me, something broken, that I couldn’t fix no matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t voice it out and couldn’t ask for help, because I didn’t think it was a problem worth mentioning. I even didn’t know I was depressed, just accepted the fact that I’m the weirdo one, always wearing masks to please people with my behavior or emotional reactions, to avoid being caled angry, arrogant and cold, because those words hurt me deply before :) So much happend. I realised I have so much regrets, I was trying to block out regretful thoughts in my memory all my life. Felt like I paused my life and waited and waited and waited, thinking over and over again about all the things happend and all the words said, all the things I didn’t do. So much happiness expirienced also just as much sorrow. Time to move forward~

And 2019 is the year I finally felt something. Finally felt I am alive!

And today the past seems like a long-long dream.

I just wanted to say it out loud.