prmeow

i had never felt such clarity, been in such a sobering position in my life, the comparison to tearing and infection out of your skin yourself always seems to be an accurate enough description.

i've found complete peace with the ground, all above it seems to be out of my control, so be it.

all is constantly changing, and so when everything feels like too much i have the opportunity to be still and observe what changes around me. Maybe I am not stopping change in myself entirely but that isn't really the goal.

in the last year or so i've watched a lot of lectures, video essays, interviews, movies, really anything i can get my hand on that i feel like feeds me. i feel starved for something i don't know which in a way is the entire human experience lawl.

anywho if anyone's in need of some brain food here are a few that i've gone out of my way to save. all of them are interesting watches, a few did really shift my perspective, i wonder if some would for you

oh i am also moving back home to Latvia... how bizzare! (yay(

here is an awesome spread from a national geographic magazine that i put on my wall

it's the only thing put up in my desk area besides the lights and my lucky button

I'm trying to stop having the most common thing I say out loud about the weather be inherently negative. I think it's rude to the ground and I ruin my own day before I even thought about it and find that I would've enjoyed it if it weren't for that assumption.

today was painfully beautiful, i spent it in my own head and i loved it

i felt that i've not been prepared for this part of my life, what i'm doing now is creating my entire life from scratch, but just for my head

also sort of my actual life, today was the best day i've had in two years

i've definitely had some good days but i was so aware here

a butterfly played around me with another butterfly sometimes too, i think it was a monarch. it sat on me a ton, once on my chest !!! i saw it so close up

my mom used to tell me that my brother and i always had a sense with animals and such when we were little, he specifically would play with butterflies

it made me so happy, he's in my head forever engrained in me and my soul

i don't get much engagement but that's not rly what i'm here for dur, but i wonder if it's better if i write like this, because this is to me somewhat curated. Meaning that i normally would write an essays worth of detail about my day and exactly what i thought of it. i think that's a bad idea and that i want myself to be stressed. #zen

(if you have any colours/patterns in mind do tell!!!!)

i was considering zebra, tiger, and galaxy but i want more ideas..

otherwise, the sun is starting to peek through and i *knock on wood - have been feeling better lately, less loathing under my skin and more pray love

I'm taking this time in my life to try curate myself before i keep curating others or whateva so it's nice to see that it feels right and i'm actually enjoying being with myself/not decomposing for weeks (ayee)

i never thought i would say this but i've been missing singing- i was in vocal lessons for a good 4 or 5 years when i was younger and sort of hated it since, have never liked my own voice & don't now really, but something calls me.. meooooowww

i was thinking about names for her.. i took her out earlier today for a bit and hoyl shit i've never loved a bike more

it very well could be just because i'm just really excited about something new in my life but yes i'm just very excited

my idea is to pimp out my bike just enough that it may serve anti-theft purposes - i've had two bikes stolen in my life and it's heartbreaking.

photos coming soon probably

see you poo

my heart hurts a lot right now and i have many reasons to be sad, i want to be and will.

i also have a few things to look forward to right now; I have a friend from the uk coming over in a few minutes for a chat and then to have a look at my (apparently ancient) bike that the repair shops don't want <.<

I also appreciate my friends, since you don't know me i must clarify that i'm one of those people that has 3 ultra best friends and my god is my mother

It was my brothers birthday yesterday, he passed 9 years ago, nearly a decade ago and i'm only now starting to process it

i miss him a lot, often, it hurts a lot knowing i never got to connect with him the way i wish i could've if he hadn't died when he did. Recently he's come back to my heart and while i'm grieving him, i've never felt closer.

It's really painful existing knowing how much the things that were out of my control have held me back, comparison gives me a bigger picture than what i know of myself right now, but it's not very good

i know i have lots of time and there's so much more for me to experience but i am here and i'm tired so i just need to get this out

joy comes from appreciation, appreciation can come from joy; i forget to value my surroundings because it's not innate

once i do it's natural

taking one day at a time, moving slowly