Zeni’s Canvas

I no longer make poems, and I haven't documented a dream in this blog for two years. While I still miss these people that I've constantly complained about, I am also still trying my hardest to move on. It's getting easier day by day as I grow wiser and think less on it and more about how much better life is now.

That being said, life is so much better now. It's not AS great as two years ago, or even last year, as I had lost 60 lbs and was feeling happier and more confident in my skin than ever. Unfortunately, I gained all the weight back during last autumn and winter, so now I am back where I started with that. It has led to more anxiety episodes from me. However, that doesn't mean I've given up. It's just harder for me to lose weight now. I'm still trying. I just have less ways and options at the moment. I will be moving again, soon, so then it will be easier.

Oh yeah, I haven't mentioned yet. I moved to Texas in February this year. Why? Because my husband lives here! We initially were supposed to get married in February, but due to ~things~, we have happily married on September 6th, 2024. We have struggled a li financially wise due to ~things~, that were out of our control, but again, we will be moving again, soon, so then it will be easier.

I am absolutely in love with my husband. He and I met in 2021 as friends but we did not start dating until May 1st, two years ago. I am truly grateful I decided to play Roblox that day that we met, or else I would be the same woman as if I did not. Lonely, sad, hopelessly romantical, mooching off her father, still. I do not feel like I deserve my husband, especially since I have gained all this weight back I don't think he should have a fat wife. And I mean FAT wife. I have a double chin, overhanging belly, my fingers are sausages. But somehow he still loves me. For a while I was convinced it was a friend of my ex boyfriend's, pretending to love me as a prank because he was salty he never got to see my tits. But, like, I met his parents. He met my parents. He married me. We had sex. There's no way that he could be that. He truly loves me, and yet I'm over here with this mental illness that will only go away when I lose weight. I feel bad, making him go through that. Still, he says he will always support me, help me when I need it, and he's even agreed to be the regulator for how much I eat, and prevents me from cutting myself. I am truly grateful for this man He makes me the happiest woman in the world.

I've thought about going back to documenting my dreams, but I haven't been having them as much as I thought I would. Even when I was getting tons of sleep, I had no dreams. Even now that I have less sleep, I still have no dreams. they're rare, now. It's okay, though, I don't mind it. It just means that I don't remember the dreams. After all, everyone dreams. We just don't remember them. And that's why we write them down.