Hitomi Goes Stabby Stab Stab

SESB has a lot of important themes. It’s expected of such a long story but, as I rereading it to offer you the best translation I can possibly create, I suddenly remember how deep I went with some of those themes. If you know me, or if you’re starting to get an accurate picture of the person I am through this diary-turned-blog, you might suspect what some of them are, but I won’t list them so I don’t spoil them to you. I just hope reading about them will do you as much good as it did me to write.

I love my characters. Now, you’re going to think that it’s normal, I’m a writer, I wouldn’t have written an almost 1,000,000 words long story if I didn’t like its characters.

And, yes, there’s a bit of that.

Happy New Year everyone! Any other year, I would have felt so guilty for not having a load of resolutions and goals for the year. But I survived 2020 and I need 2021 to heal. Please take this time too, no matter how 2020 left you. We all have wounds, and we all need to get better, to heal.

This post addresses topics like suicidal thoughts, depression and mental health in general. Do not read it if those subjects could put you in danger. Stay safe.

I’m not in a happy place right now. I haven’t been for months, really. It’s not only the global crisis we face, not only the fear related to my studies and future. It’s deeper. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I have autism. This year, it was just too hard to cope. 

I finished this beautiful story, about a girl who struggled just like me in a far more dangerous world and overcomes adversity again and again, in July. I cried that day, because I was so proud to finally finish something, especially something as huge as this fanfic. 857.000 words. 212 chapters. 18 months. 

I cried, I was happy and proud, and then I got to work on three other books. It didn’t feel as happy, but I think it’s because everything was changing and scary around me. I don’t feel good most of the times and it just became my reality again.

I went through multiple crises with this story. I got harassed by people I thought were friends, but turned out to be abusing me the whole time. I started college in a field I wasn’t sure I was going to like (turns out that yes, I do, but it’s fucking hard). Covid hit and I was scared – I still am, because I’m at risk of complications if I get it.

Around two months ago, I got suicidal thoughts. They weren’t my first, I’ve been depressed since I was born (probably an hormonal defect, my health is a mess) and I knew they’d go away. Except this time they didn’t. For the first time in my life, I had to seek medical treatment for it. It was hard, frightening, especially when I started the meds and got secundary effects, But I got through it. Kinda.

The ‘kinda’ part is what brought me back to this fanfic, to translate it this time. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to want to die. I have help, but help is not enough. I need something deeper, something that brings me joy on a whole other level. Enters SESB, my big monster baby, the story I love so much it makes me love myself.