be the cowboy

You threw your arms around Natasha, pulling her into a tight hug. She was your best friend, you’d never been this close to anyone before. Internally, you held a secret. You knew that you were in love with her. That simple fact alone terrified you beyond belief. The risk of losing your closest friend over a crush could paralyze you in fear if you ever found yourself thinking about it for more than a moment. You weren’t sure what you would do if that happened. Could you even handle a loss that devastating? You don’t think you could, so you bury it inside yourself.

The illusion of you only loving Natasha as a friend was difficult to keep up. It felt like constant work, work you weren’t sure you could handle much longer. Right now though, she was in a seemingly deep sleep with her head resting on your lap. She was so beautiful, you couldn’t stop thinking about how lucky you were to even know someone like her. You had to get up though, so you pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and whispered an “I love you” to her. In what seemed like just seconds after you ascended from your couch Natasha let out a groan, “come back, the mission is tomorrow and I want to spend time with you” she says to you in a sleepy tone. You could feel your heart melt insistently and you returned to the couch, forgetting entirely why you had gotten up in the first place.

Tomorrow, Natasha had to embark on a mission with Clint so they could collect the soul stone. You were worried. Well, you always worried about her when she went on missions, but this one felt off. You were sure it was just your anxiety. At the end of the day, you trusted Natasha to find her way back to you no matter what.

Before she left, you hugged her again, maybe for a little bit too long. You couldn’t bring yourself to let go of her. It hits you at this moment, you have to tell her that you’re in love with her. Natasha gently pulls herself out of the hug and gently brushes a strand of hair away from your face, “see you in a minute.”

As she walks away, you make a silent promise to yourself that you’ll say something when she gets back. Alright, maybe not that very day. She’ll deserve some time to rest first before you spring that information on her. Your next few days are spent planning for how you’re gonna tell her. You practice dozens of times in the mirror. You even wrote down your confession and then rewrote it a few more times. You realize that maybe if all goes well this will be a cute thing to give her one day. Once you decide on what to say, you slip your drafts into an envelope.

You spend your nights torn between thinking about how much miss Natasha's presence and fantasizing about your lives together. You think about anniversaries many years in the future, maybe one day you would have a house and kids. Alright, maybe you’re getting way too far ahead of yourself. This is the most excited you’ve been in a very long time, maybe even your entire life. God, you can’t wait for her to come back home to you.

Then, the big day finally arrives. It’s time for Natasha to come back home. Clint too, you guess. You can’t even sit still as you wait, you find yourself getting up to pace around every few minutes. Then, the moment finally comes. You’re confused. You only see Clint, no Natasha. Why isn’t Natasha here?

You run up to him, “Where’s Nat?” you ask. You’ve just stopped long enough to notice the distraught look on his face, you’ve never seen him look this upset before. Your heart sinks in fear and worry. “Clint, where is she? Where’s Natasha? Is she okay? Did she get hurt, i-is she in the medical bay? I’ll go right now” he looks like he’s about to sob, “She’s gone Y/N. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” he manages to get out. He leaves almost immediately. You just stand there, you can’t move. You feel frozen in place. It somehow feels like the room is spinning around you and like the entire world is in slow motion at the same time. It doesn’t feel real. This can’t be real.

You stumble your way back into your room. Your mind is running at a million miles a minute and can’t process any of it. The second you open your door, you notice Natashas old cardigan that she left there. That’s when it hits you all at once, this is real. She’s really gone. Your knees give out on you and just lay on the floor. You can’t stop crying no matter how hard you try to calm yourself down.

- Time Skip -

It’s been almost a full year since Natasha’s death. You’ve felt every emotion known to humanity and probably felt a few undiscovered ones. The most prominent emotion of all was the unbearable sadness that seemed to have you in a grip that would never ease, though sometimes anger would take its place. You would always feel incredibly guilty afterward but you just couldn’t help being angry at Natasha sometimes. How could she do this to you? Why would she leave you when she knew how much she meant to you? She left you all alone to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and it made you feel like you hated her. You would never admit that though. Mainly because you knew that wasn’t true. You loved Natasha too much.

Everyone tells you that it will get better in time, you’re still waiting for that to happen. You’ve only started to even feel like a person again in the past month, maybe two. There’s no way to be sure, the days all blend together at this point. You figure that is progress in some way. All your thoughts still lead back to Natasha in some way or another. Sometimes, it’s blatant. You think about how you wish you could go back to the day before she left you, maybe you could convince her to say. Would she have stayed if you asked her to? You’ll have to spend your life not knowing. Maybe, you could just hug her again and remember the feeling. Other times, it’s not so obvious at first. You’ll realize something is missing, but you can’t place what. You rack your brain for a while before it hits you that you’re missing Natashas presence. Those times are the worst of the two.

The year anniversary creeps its way closer, you decide that you finally need to do something you’ve never dared to do in the past months. The moment you look at the calendar and it registers in your mind that the date is no more than a week away, you sigh and accept that it’s time for you to visit your grave. Not to say that you haven’t tried though, you have. You’ve driven there a few times, but you never manage to get yourself out of the car. On more than one occasion you’ve just sat in your car for well over an hour, frozen. Subconsciously you feared seeing her grave would make it real. It would take away the safety that you’ve found in hiding from reality and pretending that Natasha was still with you, just not at home.

The day was finally upon you. You were always told that anniversaries are the hardest days, especially the first. Let's just say that was true. You felt like you couldn’t even get out of bed, it all hurt too much. There was a little voice in your head that resembled Natasha’s telling you to get up, that she would hate to see you like this. It was right, you knew that. If she was here she would drag you out of bed if she had to. Eventually, you force yourself up. If not for yourself then for Natasha.

You get into the car, listening to all of Natasha’s favorite songs. Once you get there though, fear strikes through you once again. Just like all the times before, you sat there waiting. You’re not sure what you’re waiting for though. A half-hour passes before you find it within yourself to get out of the car.

You slowly walk up to her grave. Surprisingly, you don’t cry. You almost feel free. There’s a comfort here that your life has been missing from the very moment Natasha died. You can’t describe why or how but you feel safe here, it seems like even in death she’ll always be a source of comfort for you.

You sit in front of her grave and just stare, you’re not fully sure why. Unsure of what you should say, or if you even need to say anything at all. “Hey Natty, how have you been?” you proceed to think about how stupid that sounds. You can’t help but find yourself wondering if Natasha would’ve laughed at that if she was here. Yeah, she definitely would have.

“I’ve missed you so much natty” your voice begins to waver as the first tear begins to stream down your face. “You know how much I loved you right? I always thought you had to have known. I think you just wanted me to say it for myself and stop being a pussy about it. I’m sorry I didn’t.” the tears have gotten heavier now but you still have more to say to her, you could talk to her all day really. “I hope you know I think about you every single day, I promise I’m trying to get myself back together. I know you would hate to see how I’ve been since you left. Why did you leave me here without you?” you choke out as you begin to sob. You let yourself cry to her just like you would do before when you had a bad day. You apologize for not visiting sooner and promise to come back soon.

You considered your relationship with Natasha to be nothing short of a blessing in your life. Things weren’t perfect of course, you knew better than to expect that. Perfect relationships aren’t real. You and Natasha had your problems, as did everyone. Regardless though, Natasha loved you, and you loved her too. You couldn’t explain it or its reason, but every time you were in her presence, you would be filled with a certain love and joy that you had never known in your life thus far. You loved Natasha more than you had ever loved someone before.

At this point, you had been in a relationship with Natasha for around 4 years. Natasha had proposed to you last year, and you happily accepted. You couldn’t imagine another person you would want to be with more, all you wanted in this life was to have Natasha. You truly couldn’t wait to be able to call her your wife. The time of your engagement seemed to fly past before you could even notice that the days were passing. The day of your wedding quickly became the best moment of your entire life. It was nothing extravagant, that wasn’t quite Natasha's style. You didn’t mind though, as long as you had Natasha in your life you were happy. Maybe this shouldn’t have been the thing to make you feel complete, but it was. This was a feeling you had been chasing your entire life, or maybe you just couldn’t remember what your life was like before your yearning. Natasha was your missing half, you fully realized at that moment you would do anything for this woman. She became your life. 

Your first few months of marriage went as anyone would expect them to, everything was well, just as things always had been. Yet, something began to shift and those soft moments slowly became nothing more than a distant memory. All of it was so small at first, things that you wouldn’t remember until everything fell apart entirely. Things that only stir in your mind late at night as you lay in bed searching for answers as to where it all went wrong. At the beginning of what would be a slow painful death of once beautiful love, it was Natasha’s temper being shorter than normal. That’s so small, isn’t it? So easily explainable. Her work was stressful, she couldn’t help it. You understood from the beginning Natashas work always came home with her. So yes, maybe you were fighting more than normal but it never seemed major, she would always quickly apologize. 

You naturally came to the conclusion that this was nothing more than a rough spot. This had nothing to do with you, it truly didn’t. So, you never pushed the topic. You didn’t have it in you to be angry at her for long, especially when she would hold you and whisper those sweet apologies. You always accepted her apologies, you always forgave Natasha. She always did appreciate that forgiving part of you. 

Though, with downfalls like this, they rarely do ever remain small. The issues are never addressed, so they always seem to build upon themselves. Every argument she would push it just a little bit further, almost as if she was trying to see how much it would take before you pushed back. It was almost like what a child will do to see what their boundaries are and what they can get away with. Her temper with you would grow ever so shorter than it was before. Maybe it was because you never argued back, her anger had a way of making you feel so small. Maybe it did make it worse but you also knew it pissed her off less. This was fine though, wasn’t it? You always rationalized to yourself that all you needed to do was learn what made her tick, learn what you were doing wrong. You must have been doing something wrong. You were the same as you always had been but you would dismiss that thought as soon as it came to you. 

So as the days passed, you did just that. You tried your best to learn what made Natasha upset, you bent yourself to it as much as you could. It never was enough though. There was always something new, once you changed yourself in one way a whole new aspect of you would seem to become the Thing that would piss her off. There was always a new whim for you to bend yourself to. 

Looking back on it, you should’ve expected that this would never work. Now, Natasha almost never seemed to be happy with you. You two would have your moments of course, but you were constantly walking on already half-broken eggshells. Work seemed to be her most common excuse for her behavior. She was quick to remind you that she had one of the most stressful jobs imaginable and she certainly did not need it when she came home, especially not from you of all people. You were supposed to love her and bring her peace, yet no matter what you did it never seemed to pacify her rage. You understood why she would be stressed, and you hated adding to it. In fact, knowing you added to her stress, oh it would fill you with borderline painful levels of guilt anytime you as much as thought about it. All you wanted to know is what you were doing wrong, yet, whenever you brought this up to her she would brush it off. She was calm then, she would remind you she loved you, tell you that you didn’t need to worry about it. 

You lived for those moments. All of your days would be spent waiting for Natasha's calm. You found yourself surviving off of the I love yous, off of when she would tell you that you were made for her. You were all that was left of your happiest days with Natasha. They had long since passed but you could never let go. You were too scared of being alone, truthfully you could barely remember what life without Natasha was like. So, you were always there for her. You didn’t cry when she would say something that tore your heart in half, you never argued back, you tried to be constantly calm. If she needed to be mean to someone, she had you. You could handle it, you could bury it all within yourself. You didn’t even flinch anymore when you would hear her breaking small glass trinkets in your shared room. 

If she ever got tired of it, she always would have you to break instead.

----------------

You and Natasha have been friends with each other for a little bit over a year now. You both would consider the other to be your best friend. To say the absolute least, the friendship that you’ve formed with Natasha is something that you both cherished and adored. Natasha was the person you were closest with, most comfortable with, and felt the happiest around. You would share anything and everything with one another, except there was one thing you couldn’t manage to tell her. You weren’t fully satisfied with this relationship with Nat, you wanted more. You needed to have more with her.

Even from the very first day that you met Natasha, you felt an instant connection with her. You hoped she felt it too. Evidently she did. You two just seemed to click automatically with one another. Every time you looked at her you couldn’t help but think about how pretty she was and how wonderful she seemed. Those feelings continue to this day. It was as if an entirely new world had opened up to you the moment you experienced the blessing of meeting Natasha.

Over time, your friendship with Natasha bloomed. Your feelings for her developed quickly, and truthfully you did want to tell her at first, but you just couldn’t do it. You couldn’t find it in yourself. You severely doubted that she could ever feel the same way about you, but that wasn’t even your main fear point. What you were truly scared of was losing Natasha, losing your best friend. You could handle just being her friend, just having Natasha in your life could be enough for you if you knew it was all there could be between you. But what if she wouldn’t want to still be your friend? What if she didn’t want to talk to you anymore? What if she thought that you were only her friend in hopes that you would date her one day? With this fear, you decided to push your romantic feelings for Natasha aside, it was the responsible thing to do after all. Your love for her would remain a secret that only you knew.

Things were fine that way, for a while at least. In the beginning it wasn’t quite the unbearable longing and yearning that you had read all about and were expecting. You loved Natasha and she loved you too, if that love could only exist in the realm of friendship, that was okay. More than okay actually, having her in your life was enough. However, while you were finding yourself content with your situation, you still couldn’t fully ignore the sparks in your heart whenever you say her, or whenever she would rest her hand on your tight or rest her head on your shoulder. You tried to ignore it, you really did, but you couldn’t, no matter how much you wanted to. In those moments, all of the hidden feelings you possessed would rise to the surface and it felt as if they would overflow at any moment.

At times it seemed that all you could manage to think about was Natasha. Anytime anyplace, even the smallest things reminded you of her. Sometimes it was a food you knew she liked or a simple item that was in her favorite color. Everything would bring your mind back to Natasha. Even at night before you fell asleep she would occupy your mind. You would daydream of the reality where one of those nights with Natasha you would somehow find it in you to just move a little bit closer and tell her how you felt and she would understand. Even just your imagination felt so sweet. For now though, you had to be content with just your daydreams. The confidence you can find in your imagination doesn’t feel like something that can exist in your real life.

As time continued and the days passed, you began to feel restless. Everything was changing so fast. You just couldn’t seem to keep up with your “everything is fine and perfect this way” mentality. It was getting to be unbearable. More than that though, it was annoying. It made you angry at yourself in a way. Why couldn’t you just be happy with having a nice and loving friendship with Natasha? You felt so...selfish. You really, really, did not want to pester Natasha and burden her with your feelings. That wasn’t for her to deal with. It was your own problem. Yet, maybe you did need to tell her? Even if you truly did not want to. You don’t believe that she feels the same way you do, thinking that seems borderline delusional at this point. Nonetheless, maybe you just need her to break your heart so you can finally let go of your romantic feelings for her.

A few days have passed, and you haven’t been answering your phone or really responding to Natasha's texts. You feel bad honestly. So one day while on your break at work, you decide to call Natasha to apologize and ask if she would want to hang out with you later tonight. You miss her. She agrees to your proposed plan. Throughout the rest of your day, you could feel your heart pounding inside your chest every time Natasha crossed your mind. You were nervous, terrified even, but you were excited. In a way, it was thrilling.

After work and as the time that you and Natasha had agreed to hang out began to approach closer and closer, fear began to set in. Things weren’t so thrilling anymore. The reality that you could very well end the best friendship of your entire life thus far was hitting you. This could be the last time you ever get to really consider Natasha to be part of your life. Scary wasn’t even close to being a strong enough word to describe how knowing that felt, but you knew that this is what you needed. You couldn’t keep your feelings for Natasha a secret forever. That wasn’t a life, and it certainly wasn’t what friendship should be.

Before you even knew it, you heard that knock at your apartment door. You don’t know exactly how but you could always tell when it was her. Time seemed to fly by so fast every time you found yourself thinking of Natasha.

You greeted you with her simple yet familiar “hi love” as you opened the door. Your heart was pounding again, it was so overwhelming you feared she would be able to tell. God, you loved her so much, it was a little embarrassing how deep you were in. “Hello? Earth to y/n. Did you hear me?” she says with a laugh. Oh, shit, you didn’t respond, God you’re so stupid sometimes. “Fuck, sorry. Hi Natty. I’m sorry, I zoned out a little. Long day at work you know?” you responded, not a lie but not the complete truth. She reminds you that you don’t need to apologize to her. God, you just wanted to hand your entire heart over to this woman. In a lot of ways, you already had. She has it completely, even if she doesn’t know that yet.

You didn’t want to immediately spring everything on her. You just wanted to hang out for a while first. You and Natasha were having a nice time together, you’re really not sure when you should tell her about your feelings. “Okay, okay I need to do this now” you repeat in your head over and over again. Is there ever really a perfect time for this type of conversation?

You take a deep breath and begin to speak, “Uh, Nat, can we talk about something really quick? Well I’m not so sure it will be quick but you know” you manage to say, your voice is a little shaky but you hope she doesn’t notice that part.

She does. She always notices little changes about you. “Of course we can y/n/n. You can talk to me about absolutely anything, you know that. Is something bothering you?”

God damn her and her caring about you. “Oh. No. Well kinda. Not exactly. I just. I don’t know how to say this exactly” you say, stumbling over your words.

She gives you a simple “y/n. Calm down, it’s fine, everything's fine. Just relax.”

Even her most simple words have a calming effect on you. You speak again, “O-okay okay, I will, I’m sorry” and you momentarily pause to think about your next words and take a deep breath again before spilling it all out. “Uh I’m not sure how to say this to you and it’s totally fine if you don’t feel the same, I promise, no hard feelings, it’s cool and fine, and yeah. God. Okay. Well. Natasha, I love you. I love you so much. Way more than as a friend. I’m in love with you. I didn’t know how to tell you, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to show you that for the past few months but I was scared. I’m still scared. I just don’t want you to think that’s why I’ve been your friend, it’s not. I swear everything about our friendship is genuine. If you don’t feel the same way it’s really okay. Trust me, I understand. I just needed to tell you. I don’t think I could keep this to myself forever.”

Towards the end of your spiel, you finally notice Natasha opening her mouth to speak and then closing it again. God, how long has she been trying to respond. You let out an apology, “Okay I’ll shut up now and let you talk, I’m sorry.”

She laughs a little at your obvious worry and gently grabs your arms. “y/n, how many times today am I gonna need to tell you to calm down and that you really don’t need to keep apologizing?”

“Sorry. Shit.” you respond.

She laughs again. “It’s okay, really. Thank you for telling me, my angel.”

Your heart flutters at the nickname but her momentary pause after scares you. It must’ve only been a few seconds your mind already was racing, “Goddammit, why is she pausing. This is gonna be bad isn’t it. Oh God this is gonna be bad” you thought to yourself.

She begins to speak again after collecting her thoughts, “I was wondering when you were gonna finally say something. You’re not exactly subtle, my love” and you let out a breath that you didn’t even realize you were holding in.

With that, she continues. “I love you too. I love you so much. I have for a long time. I was worried that confession would ruin our relationship. I knew you loved me but I wasn’t sure if you would be willing to admit it. I’m so happy that not only do you feel the same but that you were finally able to tell me.”

You feel like you’re floating now. This very well might be the best moment of your entire life. You’ve been dreaming about this for so long. Without even thinking, you fall into Natasha, gently kissing her. She cups your face and strokes your cheeks. She smiles in between quick kisses. This is better than any daydream you’ve ever had. You’ve never in your entire life imagined something this amazing. Everything is so soft and filled to the brim with love. All of the love you’ve been harboring for one another can finally be shown. She pulls away for a moment to speak and you truly couldn’t stand the sudden emptiness, you don’t want the kisses to end so soon. “So, can we agree on no more secrets? Let’s just promise each other that we’ll be honest and talk about how we feel from now on?”

You smile, “Yeah. I think that would be for the best wouldn’t it.” you say with a soft chuckle.

“I love you” Natasha reminded you.

“I love you too.” you respond.

To say that you adored Natasha would not even begging to express the true depths of your feelings for her. She meant everything to you and then some. 

A year ago, Natasha had decided to propose to you. That night had instantly become the best of your entire life. Everything was going well. You wouldn’t hesitate to call it perfect. That’s what you thought at least. Then again, maybe you were too absorbed in your own happiness to see the red flags.  

You were entirely blindsided the night Natasha sat you down and told you that she thought it would be best to postpone the wedding for now. The only explanation she would give was that she was unsure. She promised you that your relationship wouldn’t have to fundamentally change; that things won’t change because you love each other. You already knew that this spiel was an utter lie at best but you couldn’t acknowledge that just yet. Saying that out loud would mean accepting the end of a love you’ve come to cherish and find so much comfort in over the years you and Natasha have been with one another. You are so far away from ready for that. So, you force a tight smile and tell her that you understand. This is better than not having Natasha at all, right? 

You try to push down your feelings but it just won’t seem to work. Whenever you think about your situation there’s a twinge of sadness and pain in your heart that won’t go away no matter how hard you try. That’s not the worst of it though, far from it actually. You weren’t expecting this but the real pain comes from telling other people. In those moments there’s nothing you wouldn’t give to have everyone forget your engagement happened at all. Especially when they give you the look. That look people give shelter dogs no one wants to adopt. 

Part of you feels as though you should be either saddened or angered by the pity party that’s being thrown against your will but you aren’t. It’s worse than that, it’s humiliating. There are not enough words in the English language or any other to describe just how ashamed you feel. You could’ve accepted Natasha not wanting to be with you, you’d get over it, but you’re starting to resent her for embarrassing you. 

This embarrassment doesn’t die down when you’re alone either anymore. It persists every time you think about it. Maybe that’s because, throughout your life, you’ve found yourself idealizing the concept of marriage. Natasha seeming so perfect and loving only exacerbated this feeling. You got so close to the ideal life you built in your head yet you still fell short and you’re not even sure why. It feels almost demeaning. Then again, that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? You know it certainly doesn’t matter to Natasha. 

Your relationship with Natasha continues on for a number of months. Though you’d be lying if you were to say things are the same as they were before. Truthfully, you can’t even say your relationship dynamics are even similar. You knew they wouldn’t be but some part of you had a hope that’s now all but corroded away. Your attempts to broach the topic of your previous engagement proved to be worthless as Natasha would shut down the conversation faster than you could finish a sentence. 

Natasha's there, you’re still dating, you see each other every day. Yet something is missing. At the beginning of your relationship, Natasha certainly was not an emotionally available person due to her past. However, over time you got her to slowly open up to you and trust you. After that, she was the most loving and caring person you had ever had the opportunity to know. Getting to love and be loved by Natasha felt like a privilege. These days though, it feels like you’re back to square one.

You’ve tried caring. You’ve tried every method that you could possibly think of to show her how much you love her and want things between you to work out. At its core, this all feels like a pathetic attempt at begging Natasha to love you again. Well, that’s because you are. You aren’t sure how much longer you can keep caring and begging though. A small part of you is finally beginning to accept Natasha is moving towards a life that has room for you in it. She’s leaving your relationship behind and giving you barely anything to cling to like when people leave dogs in the back of a hot car with the window rolled halfway down. 

It hadn’t fully hit you that it’s over, you knew, but the real punch of it hadn’t come yet. Oh but now it had. You’ve noticed Natasha slowly getting closer and closer with a woman from her work, Maria. She invests so much time into this woman, just like she used to do with you. You barely even see her anymore. A year ago you probably would’ve been jealous, no you definitely would’ve been jealous. Now though, it doesn’t even phase you. 

In turn, you too start becoming closer with one of the mutual friends you and Natasha share, Wanda. Some might think you were doing this in an attempt to make Natasha jealous, but you weren’t. She was offering you the emotional support and love that Natasha had been depriving you of. Natasha never comments on it. Why would she? 

You would never cross the line into physically cheating, that’s just too far. Truthfully, you don’t think Natasha would either. You’re not completely sure you would care if she did at this point though. Still, you couldn’t deny that the emotional connection you were forming with Wanda was more than friendly even if no one wanted to admit that.  You know Wanda feels it too, with the loving gazes and touches that longer just a few seconds too long. With this, it slowly begins to dawn on you that none of this is fair. Not to anyone involved, not even yourself. No one here is bad, both of you deserve to be happy but neither of you are.

You fall into a routine. You wake to an empty bed, go to work, spend time with Wanda after, and when you come home sleep in an empty bed. You can’t even remember the last conversation beyond a sentence that you had with Natasha. It feels like you’re playing a game of how long you can be unhappy before someone finally breaks. You know this needs to end, you both need to let go. Whatever you once had is irrelevant, it’s long gone. 

Before, you would’ve described your relationship with Natasha as decaying. You can’t say that anymore, decaying would imply there’s anything left to rot. There’s not. 

It’s almost been a full year since Natasha called off your engagement. You’re finally ready for it to be over. You make your way to the living room. You knew Natasha would be here, it’s where she’s been sleeping lately. You stand there silently for a moment, trying to figure out exactly what you’re meant to say. Maybe you should’ve prepared something ahead of time. It doesn’t matter though, she doesn’t as much as spare you a glance. 

You finally manage to speak, “can we talk? It’s important, please.” It was shakier and so fragile sounding but it would work. She’s quiet. Not a didn’t hear you quiet though. More of a definitely heard you but doesn’t care to respond quiet. Her being so dismissive of you is borderline infuriating but you push past that, this conversation needs to happen. She’s still quiet. Just as you turn around to walk back to your previously shared bedroom she finally says something. A soft and simple “Y/N?”. You immediately turn back around. 

Before you can open your mouth to speak, she interrupts you. “Trust me, I know what you’re going to say.” she says seemingly devoid of emotion. She continues, “We both know this is over. It’s okay.” this time her voice is shakier and there’s a sadness in her eyes you would’ve definitely missed if you didn’t know Nat so well. It hit you that this was all harder for her than she had let on. Maybe this is just like before though, maybe you were too engulfed in your own feelings to ever consider hers. 

A wave of guilt washes over you after this realization but you try to not dwell. You manage to squeak out a soft “yeah. What do we do no-”. Natasha interrupts you again, but not by speaking this time. She gently cups your face and gently brushes tiny strands of hair away from it. This is the closest you’ve been in months and you aren’t sure how to feel. It feels like you’ve been standing like this for hours but you know it’s only been a couple of seconds. “Lets. Lets worry about that later. We can have a few more days together. Please, let’s just pretend things are okay again for a weekend.” It almost sounds like begging. 

All of the emotions you’ve felt over the past year find a way to mix and you can feel tears beginning to pour out. Natasha gently wipes them away just as quickly as they appear and presses soft yet quick kisses against your lips. Your tears begin to mix with her own.

You’ll stay together for the weekend. 

From the second that you woke up, you wished that you could just go back to sleep. You’re well aware it won’t be that simple, it never is. You could’ve been asleep for 15 minutes or 12 hours, you truly couldn’t tell. It’s gonna be a long night. You gently move out of Natasha's grasp, trying not to wake her. You fumble to reach for your phone in the darkness of the shared room to check the time. The brightness from the phone practically blinds you but through that you can make out that it’s 2:37am. You resist the urge to audibly groan.

Letting the phone drop to the sheets of the bed you try to fall back asleep. Nothing. no matter how long you hold your eyes closed or attempt to lull yourself back to sleep, just nothing. It’s frustrating honestly, all you want to do is sleep but the attempt proves to be futile every passing minute. Hey didn’t that article online say if you’re trying to sleep it won’t work? you think to yourself. Okay, so you won’t try. Well, that didn’t work either. Truthfully, you know you’re not tired, sleep is just a way to pass the time. You don’t want to disturb Natasha, so you sit up as quietly as you can.

You creep out of the room, damning every creek the floor beneath you makes. You make it to the kitchen to silently drink water, trying your best to not think too much. For a while, long after the glass is empty, you just stand there. Your mind is empty, you’re so empty.

There’s nothing majorly wrong in your life. In fact, you can’t really seem to name anything that’s wrong at all. Life is going well, work is going good, and your relationship with Natasha couldn’t be better. Yet despite everything being fine on its surface, numbness seems to plague you and you just can’t shake it. The only real emotion you find yourself experiencing is sadness, which has somehow become preferable to numbness. At least it’s something. Numbness finds a way to eat away at you unlike any other. You wonder how long it can keep going like this until it breaks you. Something has to give eventually right? You’re not sure what that will look like but you know it will come inevitably at this rate.

As you think about this, a wave of emotion hits you so hard it feels like drowning. You can’t contain the tears threatening to fall at any second and you barely even understand why. You shuffle your way into the bathroom trying to be quiet but the attempt proves itself to be in vain as you can’t seem to help the light sounds of sobbing you’re emitting. In a way, you guess you hope Nat hears you.

Of course she does.

Natasha has always been a light sleeper. In what felt like seconds you hear a soft, non-intruding knock pressed against the door of the bathroom. “малыш, is everything alright?” she asks. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine. sorry for waking you up” you offer in return, hardly any louder than a whisper in fear of your voice cracking. Silence greets you in response. You aren’t sure if she heard you, just as you’re about to repeat yourself, “Can I come in?” she asks. The question isn’t forceful or imposing like it so often is when people catch you in your emotions. It's earnest, you know she won’t force her way in if you don’t want her to. She loves you enough to know that sometimes you really do just need to be alone with whatever you’re feeling. “Just give me a second please” you mumble through the tears which are finally beginning to slow down. Somehow, Natasha’s mere presence on the other side of the door has a way of calming you. You wouldn’t hesitate to describe Natasha as the most comforting person you’ve ever known. She’s not the best with expressing emotions but you can feel how loved you are whenever you’re in the same room, and that’s all that matters.

Once the tears have largely stopped flowing, you compose yourself to face Natasha. You know things will feel better if you just allow yourself to talk to her but it was still so hard to be that vulnerable no matter how much you loved her.

When you open the door she's patiently waiting for you on the couch. She gives you a soft yet sad smile when she sees your tear-soaked face. A twinkle of guilt surges through you, you hate seeing Natasha sad or worrying her but you try not to dwell on it for too long.

You sit down next to her, unsure of what to say exactly.

Natasha gently leans into you and in what's hardly above a whisper asks, “Oh любовь моя, what’s going on? You haven’t been yourself lately.” Her sleepy yet still so caring voice causes a feeling of calm to rush over you but even in that you can’t seem to find the words. They’re there, right on the tip of your tongue but you can’t get them out. Natasha speaks again, “you don’t have to talk about it right now if you’re not ready or if you just don’t want to, but I’m here. I’ll always be here for you angel, I can just hold you if you’d like.” With that you give her a silent nod, signaling that is what you want.

She does just that. You lean into her even further and Natasha rubs soft circles into your back as you begin to fully calm down. Like you’re finally able to catch your breath after the emotionally drowning you were experiencing earlier, you’re finally emerging from that sea of sadness. You’re so grateful for Natasha's presence in your life, she has a way of being gentle and soft without making you feel as if she pities you. Because she doesn’t. She knows that the last thing you’d ever need or want from her. You’ve never wanted someone's pity, you just wanted someone near you, to hold you, to feel you, to love you.

Natasha gave you that.