~

I am so glad that one of my good friends stepped in when he did, since my mind was romantically drugged and clear thinking was not something that I could fully do at the time. He told me I was going a little too fast and that I should take a week to fast and pray about what the Lord wanted me to do. I was going to see her the next day, and he told me that I should pray that God would give me a sign as to which direction I should move toward. 

I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to wait. But I knew in my heart that my friend was speaking truth into my life and that this was the wise thing to do. So I spent some time praying that God would shine a very bright light on the path that I should take. In my heart, however, I really wanted to pursue her, and I was pretty sure that I would. 

When I got together with her the next day, I sort of forgot about my prayer the previous night. We got into a conversation about life goals, and all of a sudden she said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Now, it wasn’t something terribly big. Neither was it something that I would have considered to be so important to me. But as certain words left her lips, I felt a blow to my heart as the previous night’s prayer came rushing back to my mind. God was clearly pricking at my heart that this girl’s passions, although God-honoring, did not match my own. 

When I got back to my dorm room, I sat on the couch and had a fight with God. Why, God, why? Why would You do this to me? I really liked this girl, and He was splitting us up. Didn’t He know how much I cared for her?

Then it hit me.

Like two tons of bricks.

God shot me the question: If you really care for her, you would desire what I have planned for her.  

It was as if a wave of truth rose up and washed my clouded mind. I had not been really loving her, but had been selfishly desiring her. I had been lying to myself by saying that I wanted the best for her, but my infatuated heart was telling me that I was the best for her. 

God told me that if I had really cared for her, my heart's desire would have been for her to be in God’s will. If it meant that I would not end up in a relationship with her, that would be OK. God desired for me to rest so completely in Him that my heart would be at peace with whatever He had in store.

To truly love someone means that you love and follow after God so much that you are at peace if that person is taken away from you.

She had become my idol.

God wanted me back.

This mindset has really changed how I think about relationships. This week, I have actually begun pursuit of another girl. But this time I have saturated myself in prayer, and God has given me the heart to say that I am OK if I do not “get the girl.” I want what is best for her, and I make sure to pray for her best every day. I surrender myself to the Lord’s will every day, because I could not have this mindset otherwise.

1. A DEFINITION OF INTENTIONAL

“Intentional” is one of those words that sounds right, but no one really knows what if means. So I would like to clear that up. Here is my working definition for intentional and how it relates to how a Christian man should pursue a woman. 

The intentional man repeatedly and constantly goes first and takes on all of the risk of rejection. He always lets the girl know where he stands so she feels secure and isn’t left guessing. (On the other hand, don’t weird her out by talking about marriage on the first date.) 

Approaching her initially:

Intentional: “I’d like to take you out on a date.”

Unintentional: “Wanna hang out sometime? My roommates are all gone this weekend.” 

Paying the bill:

Intentional: “I’ve got it.”

Unintentional: “Can you cover half the bill? I’m pretty broke right now.” (My wife believes this communicates, “You are worth about $20, but not quite $40.”)

Following up after a date:

Intentional: “I had a great time tonight, and would definitely want to do this again. I will give you a call this week.”

Unintentional: “I’ll call you sometime.”

Bringing other people in:

Intentional: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. Would you like to have dinner with my Community Group leader and his wife?” (This is a way to honor her by pursuing outside accountability from a godly couple.)

Unintentional: “I don’t know if you really wanna meet my friends yet . . .” I.e. “I don’t really want you to meet my friends yet,” and as Chris Rock says, “If you have not met his friends, you are not his girlfriend.” (In this case, there’s a disingenuousness where he’s not being fully open with his whole life with the woman and is cordonning off the relationship from other areas of his life and people who know him. This is a guy who’s only selfishly protecting himself and shielding himself from any accountability and consequences, and he cannot be trusted as the protector of someone else.)

Things are going well:

Intentional: “I think you are a godly, beautiful woman, and I have great time with you. I would like to pursue a relationship with you.”

Unintentional: “Soooooo, what do you think about us?” Or, “I am not sure where I stand. What about you?”

Things look like they could go well for a long time:

Intentional: “I don’t date for the sake of dating, and marriage is a long ways away, but I couldn’t be happier with how things are going. I think you’re amazing.”

Unintentional: “Things are going OK I guess, we’ll see.”

Recognizing the end of the relationship:

Intentional: “I am sorry, I don’t see this progressing past friendship.”

Unintentional: (Time passing . . . cold shoulder . . . you stop calling . . .)

Ultimately, the unintentional guy’s responses are selfish because they put his interests before the woman’s, and they’re moreover cowardly because he avoids addressing where the relationship is, leaving the woman marooned in relationship limbo.

The man in the relationship should always have an answer for three questions: 

WHAT IS THIS RELATIONSHIP? 

WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS? 

HOW ARE YOU DEMONSTRATING THOSE INTENTIONS RIGHT NOW?

The big idea is this, men: Don’t keep her guessing. Let her know exactly where you are at all of the time. It is a risk of course, but better on you than her. Own it. 

2. CLEAN YOUR ACT UP TODAY, NOT ‘WHEN’

You’ve probably heard some guy say this: “I will clean my act up when I find the right girl.” It’s not true. The lie is that once you find the right girl, all your problems will go away—you just need the right motivation, right? Wrong! If Jesus isn’t motivation enough to grow in maturity and pursue godliness, then you are not ready to pursue a woman. 

The truth is that when you’re in a relationship, you get their crap on top of your crap. That’s double crap. It is hard to start a healthy relationship with two immature people drowning in crap. Men, get your life together first, know where you are going, then invite a girl to come along (Prov. 16:1–9).

3. PLAN AHEAD

Don’t spend time with your girlfriend without a plan. Decide ahead of time the prudent time to say goodnight and where you should go. If a frat boy goes to a party with the attitude, “I’ll just see what happens” he will end up drunk and who knows what else. The same goes with dating: your judgment will be impaired when you are together (the opposite sex has that effect). Also, you are not fooling anyone. Every girl knows what “Do you want to go to my place and watch a movie?” means. The battle is won by not putting yourself in that position. And if you do find yourself in the bad position, flee. Literally, get out. Not joking. Make sure she can get home safe of course, but seriously, get out of there. (1 Cor. 6:18). 

Don’t be prideful. Spend time in prayer, think it through, soberly acknowledge your weak and sinful state, and don’t set yourself back (James 1:15).

4. GUARD HER HEART 

I went to a Christian college and I can’t tell you how many times these “good Christian guys” started dating by using the faith as a tool for manipulation. They would start a daily Bible study with a girl they just met, and position themselves as the ultimate confidant and authority in the girl’s life and leaving her heart completely exposed to a immature boy. A mature man knows that the person that can do the most damage to a woman’s heart is him, and he takes that very seriously. This is very difficult line to walk, and takes a lot of wisdom and discernment, but here are some indicators that you may be crossing the line:

You just started dating, and you are sharing “heart” things with each other that you haven’t shared with closest friends and/or mentors that you have known for years. 

You are isolating yourselves as a couple and not listening to people whose opinion you used to value (Prov. 15:22), saying things like, “They just don’t understand what we have.”

Your individual Christian walks become intertwined, and you end up pursuing and becoming closer with each other more than becoming closer with God. 

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH

The Bible only outlines two categories for Christian women in relation to Christian men: either she is a sister in Christ or she is your wife. There isn’t a middle ground. The lie is, “We’re halfway married, so we can do 50% of the married things.” That is not true at all. You need to put physical touch in two categories: acts of affection or acts of desire. 

Acts of affection are ways that you show that you like, appreciate, and cherish  the women that you are dating. Think of it as a affectionate father with his daughter. He hugs her, snuggles her, kisses her on the forehead, holds her hand, stopping at any type of sexual satisfaction whatsoever. He just wants to make sure his daughter knows that he loves her. 

Acts of desire are acts that are reserved for marriage. Foreplay is designed for one purpose: to build the desire to have sex, which it does well. Think of foreplay like and freeway on-ramp: it’s purpose is to transition you to full speed. You don’t see cars hanging out on on-ramps, never intending to get on the freeway. Physical touch is designed to progress, and it is naive to think you will always be able to keep your desires in check. Failure and sin is all but inevitable. 

In short, you know what you are doing. If you stop for a moment and think about it, you know which category the physical touch you are doing falls into. It is different for everyone. It is not helpful for me to tell you where the line is so that your conscience will allow to you run up to that line and hang out there for a while (Titus 2:6). If you are asking the question “How far can we go and still be in the clear?” your heart is in the wrong place to begin with. 

I would encourage any couple who is focused on the physical to change their focus to friendship (Song of Sol. 2:7). Building a friendship will set you up for a strong marriage far more than a physical connection. The physical connection will come later, you don’t have to worry about that. But you have freedom, in the midst of gospel community, to pursue friendship and have fun.

HE’S CALLED US TO HOLINESS

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A woman once told me that she planned to leave her husband because she "just didn't love him anymore." I asked her to change the way she worded what she planned to do so that her decision could be understood accurately. I asked her to say it this way: "I am choosing to no longer value my husband and to break my commitment to remain faithful to him."

She declined to word her decision this way but insisted on using terms that made her appear to be a victim of feelings she could not change. She also thought her decision was actually virtuous in its honesty and in her refusal to be a hypocrite.

Being and Behaving in Love

When performing weddings, I raise this question: "What is it that draws people together to be married?" Most answer with one word: love. Yes, love draws us together. But what is love? Is it something we can fall into and fall out of? Is it chemistry? Infatuation? Is it an emotional response or a choice?

Over the years, I people have told me they want to be married because they love each other. I've also had people (like this woman) tell me that they want out of their marriage because they no longer feel love for their mate.

This has led me to ask some serious questions about the nature of love. In my evaluation, I've concluded that we need to distinguish two dimensions of love.

1. Being in love

This dimension is the emotional attraction of love. It's what people mean when they speak of "falling in love." It's usually based on more superficial reactions to appearance and first impressions. Clearly, it's a natural part of human attraction. Though not necessarily wrong, it's not enough to sustain a meaningful and lasting relationship. It's far too superficial. Deeply satisfying relationships are built on the second dimension of love.

2. Behaving in love

This dimension does not depend on feelings and chemistry. It's the love of volition. It's the choice to respond to my mate in a loving manner, regardless of feelings. This dimension of love is a choice to value my mate and seek his or her best. While I can't always make myself feel a certain way, I can always choose to act in a loving way.

In the context of marriage, the distinction between these two dimensions is very important to understand. Most relationships start with a high dose of the being dimension of love and, in most relationships, this feeling diminishes with time. When this happens, the key to keeping the flame of love burning is not pursuing a feeling but deciding to value the other person and be devoted to his or her best---no matter what one feels.

It's a choice to act in love even when we don't feel love. I realize that to many people this sounds almost like a great sin. It sounds as if I am advocating some form of dishonesty but, surprisingly, when we choose to love, the feelings often follow the actions!

Cultural Barrier

We must confront a cultural barrier that threatens this understanding of love. Our culture sends a strong message telling us that above all else, we must be true to our feelings. To do anything else, we're told, would simply be dishonest and hypocritical. So it has become a mark of good character to be true to your feelings.

This cultural ethic is often used to give people a false sense of virtue when breaking deep commitments. By "avoiding hypocrisy" and "being honest enough to admit the loss of feelings," they feel justified---perhaps even virtuous---in breaking their wedding vows.

There is a deep and self-destructive deception in this line of reasoning. It implies that we are somehow victims of our feelings, incapable of mastering them. Feelings come and go with changes in the weather.

But do you go to work only when you feel like going? Do athletes or great musicians only practice when they feel like it? We simply cannot live a healthy and productive life if we let our feelings master us. This is especially true regarding relationships.

If we hope to experience deep and lasting relationships as intended by God, love must be understood as an action more than a feeling.

Remember that God demonstrated his love for us not because we are a warm, lovable group of people whom he could not resist. Instead, "God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8). This is the kind of love husbands are commanded to show toward their wives (Ephesians 5:25).

Reflect often on this distinction between being in love and behaving in love. Use this for conversation as couples, in small groups, and with those preparing for marriage.

Reflect also on the best definition of love available to humanity.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:1-8a).