Once when you weren't looking

Marlena amazes me because she’s been grand and joyful and full of energy all day despite frequent episodes of diarrhoea that look like green water. She’s nursing frequently, drinking water but will only eat yoghurt which is fair enough. She’s a trooper. We even chanced a quick walk to the beach this evening and she had a great time. If it was me had a stomach bug like that I don’t think I’d be so lively (and may yet get to find out I guess)

Got Marlena a little bookshelf that’s her height so she can pick what book she wants to read and she keeps choosing one about Sleeping Beauty that I never think to bring out for her because it feels like it’s too old for her still. She seems to enjoy it! She also really enjoys emptying all of her books out of the bookshelf completely but here anything that keeps her busy is a win. Also got her a kitchen helper because she’s so nosy and always wants to see what I’m doing. I wanted to get one she can climb into herself but Connor was worried about her falling out which is very reasonable so we got one we lift her in and out of. It’s early days but she seems pleased to be up high! I feel like we’ve been in an era of buying her loads of stuff recently, hopefully we’re out of ideas for a while!

On a brighter note I spoke to my future manager this morning and I feel so much better about starting work now. He was totally unphased by my request to work three days a week, unlike the other person I spoke to who I could tell wasn’t thrilled at all and it’s not even her team! Meanwhile this guy was like totally get it, have kids myself and it’s so hard finding a balance. He said he used to work compressed hours (which the other manager had tried to convince me to try first) but he doesn’t recommend it because you basically just don’t see your kids at all for days at a time then. He said he needs to get it approved from higher up but doesn’t see there will be any issue as they’ve worked really hard to make things family friendly for people. I gave him the days I ideally want to work and he was happy with that so hopefully gets approved! He asked if I want to go in before I start to meet people and have a chat so it’s less daunting so I’ve scheduled that for the week before which is so nice. Just had a really good vibe which I wasn’t expecting cause at the interview he was dry as hell but it’s not the friendliest setting end of the day! He said they’re really excited about my experience and looking forward to having me on board which feels nice as well. Have been in such a state of denial and/or panic about work but feel a tad hopeful that it could work out well and be an ok balance.

3 weeks into nursery and Marlena has her first tummy bug 🥴 they sent round a message yesterday that three babies had come down with d&v and please keep your babies at home if they have it. Today within the first hour of getting up I had to change Marlena’s nappy 4 times, I remember now why we never went anywhere when she was a newborn! It seems to have calmed down a bit but she’s having a very fussy morning so we ended up in the living room watching the Wiggles and she got up and danced then. Very glad I still breastfeed now as she only ate a few spoons of her favourite puree but has been nursing plenty so at least I know she’s getting hydration and nutrition that way!

I am slightly more functional today despite another horrible drop off where Marlena was screaming and clinging to me and had to be physically pulled away from me which will probably be burned into my brain forever. But I have since managed to shower, have breakfast, take Sansa for a good long run, wash and hang out bedding, prep some food for Marlena’s dinner (that no doubt she won’t eat) and cleaned the bathrooms (although I still need to declutter one cause the windowsill accumulates all manner of weird items that I just shove there to be out of Marlena’s reach). Having a cup of tea now then hoping to hoover and mop but not going to go too crazy on the cleaning because it’ll all be dirty again tomorrow

Marlena slept in a cot for 40 minutes in nursery today! They have achieved in three weeks what I did not achieve in over a year haha. Admittedly I didn’t try very hard after the first few weeks and on that note I’ve noticed I still have this terrible voice in my head that tells me I’ve failed at parenting somehow because I made choices that were easier for me and it’s so weird because objectively I also believe they were the right choices for Marlena but because they were, for me personally, the path of least resistance doing them feels like a moral failing. And now these strangers in nursery can get my baby to sleep independently when I never did. Like I just got this horrible voice in my head tell me that the reason I’m upset about leaving Marlena with other caregivers isn’t because I’m worried they won’t look after her properly but because I’m worried they will look after her better than me. And like, I don’t really think that, it’s more that this voice in my head is accusing me of that?? And like, I could argue with that voice all day but why does it come? Where does it come from? I’ve said it before but literally the most distressing aspect of my parenting journey to date is how utterly cruel I’ve become to myself. I never thought I had esteem issues but the way I pull myself apart is just horrible and I don’t get it. Objectively I have this beautiful, healthy, thriving child who is just absolutely wonderful and there I am berating myself for how I’m raising her because I don’t know how else to raise her and therefore how I’m doing it must be wrong because I’m me. How exhausting.

I thought I’d get so much done when Marlena is at nursery but instead I just found myself standing in the garden holding the kettle with no idea why I was standing in the garden holding the kettle. I got back inside and went to fill the kettle at the sink and noticed through the window that the bird feeder was empty so I’m assuming that I saw that and I was going to fill it but it’s literally just a total glitch in my brain. I wish I could relax even but I just feel a panicked sense of “where is my missing limb”. When does this get easier.

My Swedish family are visiting next week, there’s like 8 or 9 of them coming. I’m really excited see them but also feel very nervous and overwhelmed at the thought and feel awkward about how tied to Marlena’s schedule I am like I still co-nap and sleep with her and it feels awkward to host but also be like well we’re away to bed at 8pm keep it down. Only my stepsister and her husband are staying here, everyone else has an Airbnb but she just told me they won’t get in until past midnight when they arrive and I want to ask if they can stay somewhere else for that one night because Sansa will definitely go mental and wake Marlena and I don’t want to be scurrying around in the middle of the night settling people into my house. I feel bad but that’s reasonable enough isn’t it? They’re chill people so I don’t think there will be any drama or expectations but it’s just hard, I feel I exist well within one set routine as a parent and anything that throws that off sends me spinning and I wish I wasn’t like that but I am.

Marlena had her 1 year vaccinations today, she caught on that something iffy was happening as soon as we entered the room which kind of made it less hard because she was already crying when she got the injections, if that makes sense? And she stopped crying as soon as we left the room lol. I also felt iffy about the nurse tbf, literally the only bit of housekeeping ‘advice’ she gave us about post vaccine was “if she gets a mental fever take her to a&e”. I asked her to define ‘mental’ and she looked at me like I was stupid and said “just, like, if it’s higher than normal” so I said “oh right so any fever at all then straight to a&e?” and she got flustered and said “well yeah if it’s been ages” and at that point I decided to leave her alone and not ask what ages meant

All day Marlena has been pretty much exclusively walking instead of crawling. It’s kind of surreal and feels like the end of an era 🥲

I know we picked the absolute right area to live in because the 12th is fast approaching but there is not one fleg to be seen anywhere in the neighbourhood. Both towns we’re between are usually fairly pleasant, and both we considered living in, but currently they are absolutely covered in flags and one of them has a massive 11th night bonfire too. I am SO GLAD we don’t have to deal with any of that, don’t think the Orange Order will be marching through here!

The Wiggles have me in an absolute chokehold at the moment, I put them on my phone for Marlena while I’m changing her nappy but I think I enjoy them more than she does? I vaguely remember them being a thing when I was a child but I’d have watched The Singing Kettle more which sadly no longer exists. Petition to bring The Singing Kettle back!!

Marlena had a great time after all that! She only napped half an hour while being carried but as soon as they put her in the crib she woke up and was laughing and rolling about lol hopefully with time she’ll adapt. Apparently she was on great form and only got upset if it was an unfamiliar staff member so that should get better once she gets to know them all. She made friends with a wee boy and they were playing and giggling together. The staff were all saying how well she’s doing for it being so new still and what a happy baby she is. I picked her up at 1.30 (new record for longest we’ve ever been apart) and when I got there she was under the table playing hide and seek. When she saw me she crawled straight over but was still beaming at everyone so that was good to see. Now we’re cuddling in bed and she’s napping and I’m so happy to have her back haha