books keep stupidity at bay.

Ellie had been in this place for no more than an hour, and of course she had to make a fool of herself in front of people she didn’t even know yet. Running from the bathroom, she tripped over herself, reaching for anything in sight to protect herself with. She grabbed onto what felt like an instrument and held it above her head before calling out. “There is something in the bathroom!” she yelled. “I don’t know what it was but it was moving!” She tried to pretend like the thought of pests didn’t gross her out, but…well, then she’d be lying to herself. “I’ll give someone three quid to get rid of it!” 

Why was something always happening? Eli had thought that she might actually get some respite in this place now that she’d somewhat settled in but no, the sight of an unfamiliar face brought with it an almighty ruckus. “You know you’ll probably do more damage to yourself swinging that around, right? So let’s just...chill the fuck up for a sec.” She raised a hand before sighing and jerking her head toward where Ellie had come from. “Show me where it was. Just don’t scream or grab me or anything.”

Susie wasn’t keen on the fact that her body still reacted to her like this. They were older now. She knew that they’d both inevitably had experiences after one another. It was impossible to not regardless of whatever weak promises were made. Forever was whispered into dead of night. Love was spoken louder. That was the past. Susie had even gotten relatively close with another, thinking she could finally move on. The two made perfect sense on paper, but there was always something missing. Something that she refused to admit. Now, whether she liked it or not, she was getting her answer. Their closeness left her both “I can’t be a sadist… I’m a Christian.” In spite of her severity of this, she quirked a smile. Even she knew just how ridiculous she sounded. She’d never considered the possibility that she could, in fact, be one. Susie lived her life on the defense, never letting anyone close enough to hurt her. Not since the two of them had broken up all those years ago. And if she felt her own grasp loosening, controlling slipping from her, she’d cause some damage to soften the blow. It’s just how she lived. Growing up with her two brothers and a mother that rarely took her side—it’s all she had. The defense mode had only worsened when she watched her best friend and the girl she loved ripped from her bedroom. She could still remember that day so vividly. They’d been all smiles, completely and utterly enamored with one another. They were happy. Her eyes slow for the briefest of seconds. There was a wave of sheer relief that toppled over her. All of this time, she’d fought with herself over what happened. The images were on replay for month– years after. Vivid details constantly twirled themselves in her thoughts. From anyway she looked at it, she blamed herself. If she’d stood up to her mother, things could have been different. Sometimes she even wondered what would have happened if she’d just left with Eli that day. Even more, as she grew older– she never tried to make amends. She desperately wanted to but never had the courage. Maybe she could have fixed them. All of it. “You should,” she sighed, inadvertently clinging to Eli. It was an act of desperation. She needed her. Physically. Emotionally. In every goddamn way, she needed Eliza Finley. “I should have fought for you. I should have done something…”

I can’t be a sadist...I’m a Christian. The very concept of such a sentence made Eli want to laugh but also tear her hair from her scalp. How many times had faith hindered her growing up? Constantly being questioned about why she didn’t attend church by those with faith in North Carolina wasn’t exactly fun for a young child whose parents turned their noses up at the idea of uninformed religion. All they’d wanted for Eli was to be a good person and sure, Eli had her questionable and stiff personality tropes but she prided herself on having a forgiving, good and open heart. A heart that had a lot of space for Susie and always had. Ever since she’d first met Susie as a child, Eli had been smitten by her. When Susie had actually become more than a figure in passing and someone who actually spoke to her, Eli’s life had been changed for the better. Eli had even indulged with her faith, never questioning her actions and falling into silence with her when she’d wanted to pray. But Susie’s mother had really never liked her. Not a fan of the person her daughter had started hanging around with. Even though Eli had always been a law obliging citizen and her worst ‘crime’ was a late return of a library book, she’d been a sinner in Susie’s mother’s eyes. Oh how Eli wished she could have turned up at Susie’s door the night of prom and greeted her with a corsage and an adoring smile but that idea would have been slaughtered faster than a sacrificial lamb. And sickeningly, Eli still remembered the way her mother had drawn blood. Called her so many names that her mother had screamed about when Eli had broken into uncontrollable sobs when she got home. But that was years behind them. So much had happened and even though those days were vividly imprinted in her mind, she had grown. She might not be a Christian, but she did try to practice forgiveness. Ironic really, given faith beliefs were the reason they had been forced to break up. A break up that had never truly been given an ending. Just a cutoff. “Well, I don’t.” She whispered, savouring the touch no matter how desperate or unplanned it was. And it hurt to think that Susie actually could have done more but at what cost? She had no doubt that Susie’s mother could have abandoned her daughter just for fighting her corner. “Maybe you should have. But at what cost? It could have ruined your life and relationships and not just mine.” She cupped Susie’s head with the back of her hand and smiled weakly down at her. Oh, how she loved the height difference between them. How easily she knew Susie could tuck under her chin. “And maybe back then I wanted to be fought for. But now I realise we shouldn’t have had to fight in the first place. It wasn’t our fault that it ended how it did. We were just victims of the bullshit really...” She licked her lips and shrugged her slender shoulders. “It was fucking hard to have to see you when I finally came back to school though....you almost made my grades slip.” Because she wanted to see Susie smile. That would make everything better.

Litely: glad we're on the same page here

Litely: I've been lost for a while, I'm too high for this shit. but please, it's 2019, mundane shit is all that matters

Eli: Yeah but I'm pretty close to turning it over

“That’s actually a good thing honestly–to tell people shit to their face instead of gossiping and spreading rumors. Even if it hurts. Nah–its not a bad thing. I forget sometimes too honestly. Nah–why would I get tired of that–its flattering. Well, you’re missin’ out on a lot, but lucky for you, its easy to travel around…and cheap too.”

“Just wanted to be different from the people I had to grow up with I suppose. Plus, my parents were pretty insistent they didn’t want a little girl that spread rumours. And I’m glad I’m not the only one that forgets. Or that my compliments aren’t being disputed. That’s refreshing. Is it really? Trains and coaches are the best bet I suppose. Or I could hire a car if I wanted to I suppose...”

Litely: I don't see why I'd do that when there's plenty of free options available. but you're boring, noted

Litely: I don't see why I'd do that either

Eli: You've taken a note, noted

“Oh, she’s one of those,” Gabriela replied while bulging her eyes out. This wasn’t something she could exactly fake her way through. “Sorry, babe. Thought it was going to be an amusing anecdote, but evidently not. I would have wanted to cut a bitch so more power to you for… not.” Moments like these often felt like an out of body experience – real compassion to someone who was pretty much a stranger, so she nearly breathed a sigh of relief at the suggestion. “Yes, yes it is. I can never say no to alcohol and coffee.  Thankfully, I know just the place. It’s on me.”

“She’s definitely one of something. Can’t take that away from her. And depends on your levels of what is amusing or not. I never promised to be a storyteller. But sure, we’ll also say I was the completely higher grounded person in this situation and had everything under control. That sounds like a better diversion to the truth.” She snorted and shook her head before simply shrugging. “Sure, if you’re gonna pity me and get me a drink then I’m all in. But I also enjoy the company. Sometimes. You’re just lucky it’s at this moment. Lead the way and try not to expect too much amusement from me in general. I’m a ray of sunshine.” 

Litely: and that doesn't change the fact i'd rather talk about those

Litely: sure. for all they know i'm in a loving, committed relationship and heavily pregnant. commenting that my baby seems awfully disfigured would be super heartless, no?

Eli: Well you could try one of those ridiculous expensive phone lines or some dirty chat website. I'm not your answer to that.

“Contrary to what you believe, unlike some people in my family I have manners. I was being polite.” Her lips pulled into one of the brightest smiles. The cameras would believe it. The audience would too but the real question was whether Eli would or not. Especially with how her eyes quite landed on her. Susie wasn’t daft by any stretch of the imagination. There were times she’d play as though she was. Having people underestimate her might just be the greatest weapon. That being said, she knew how Eli thought of her family. Her parents specifically. And if she was a bigger person, she would agree with her. Perhaps even apologize on their behalves. They both knew she wasn’t though. Her eyes immediately closed when Eli came closer. Too close. Her chest began erratically rising and falling. Her body wasn’t supposed to react this. It had been some time since the two of them were together. Their lives had changed extensively. But still, Susie desired her. That she could almost admit, but there was something different about it being Eli than anyone else. Possibly it was years of guilt building onto each other. “Honestly? You’re a thorn in my side. A night of wine doesn’t change that…” Susie wasn’t about to let her keep the upper hand. God did not create her to be weak. Sucking it up, she turned around so that they were standing face to face. Chest to chest. Almost. Her gaze flickered. She tried to keep it on Eli’s. And she succeeded to an extent. “Wasn’t it enough that I broke your heart the first time? You can’t be this much a masochist… unless you are?” Her brows arched as she stood taller. She wanted to be on her level.  “People change. The Lord knows I have. So if you’d like, I can do it again.”

“Oh darlin’, I’ve heard you say please to me enough times that I know how refined your manners are.” She tried to sound sweet but when it came to wearing a convincing smile for the sake of personal preservation, Susie had that perfected. Even though Eli was using this new change of lifestyle as a means to end to preserve her integrity back in Wilmington, she often forgot she was even being filmed. And that generally came back to one thing: she didn’t care. But oh how smug she could have been if she could have seen from afar how Susie reacted to her. The closed eyes. The laboured breathing. The desire that they both knew existed but only one might begrudgingly admit. And possibly shouldn’t. “Don’t try and blame the wine, Sues.” She whispered, folding her shoulder blades inward so she was just that bit closer. A bit more likely to regain some of her control. And when she turned, several things all happened at once. First, she felt the familiar shape of her body. She may not be touching her flushly or even at all but she had it memorised without fault. Not that there had ever been a fault with Susie’s body. Eli had loved every single inch. Secondly, she felt a very rare flash of anger as a result of Susie’s harsh words. Thirdly, she knew that even though it was true that Susie had broken her heart, it wasn’t the truth that Susie had been the one that broke it. Eli had never truly blamed Susie. And perhaps that hurt even more....the way that her emotions had processed so sourly based on how they had ended but it hadn’t been Susie that had dragged her out of the house screaming in pain. And she knew things should or could have been different but they’d only been young. And scared. “If it was enough, do you really think I’d be here in front of you like this?” She asked quietly. She looked down at the other still despite her best efforts. That would never change. She breathed shallowly, her face the usual picture of calm but her heart was thumping. She couldn’t keep up with her own racing mind. “If I’m the masochist, does that not make you the sadist?” Her hands slipped so close to Susie’s hips as she kept her against the counter. Her gaze dropped. “You know I don’t blame you for what happened...” Her voice was just a whisper, and she turned her head so her nose brushed against her exes beautiful hair. So she was close. So the cameras couldn’t pick it up. Only intended for Susie. 

                    Don’t be afraid, just ask. The thought repetitively echoed inside her mind, telling her to be confident – be herself. There were just a bunch of cameras pointed at her, NOTHING to be afraid of. Still, she found herself straightening out her top, checking out her painted black nails and smoothing a hand down her neck, playing with the silver tender necklace that rested on freckled skin. Walking up to the other, she parts her lips - wasting no second to make known what she wants. ‘’This might come as a surprise, and do feel free to say no, this is no obligation. I received an invitation for a fundraiser tonight and am allowed to have a plus one. Say yes and I’ll make sure you’ll have a splendid evening, if not PERFECT.’’

Eli had finally learnt how to zone out the constructed recording process that went on around them. Every now and then she’d become aware and grumble in annoyance but it wasn’t that hard to proceed with her mundane business. They’d get bored of her eventually. As the other approached her, Eli glanced up from the ledger she’d been reading through and raised her eyebrows expectantly. “How can it come as a surprise when I didn’t have any expectations to start with?” She asked flatly as she set her pen down and leant back in her chair. After a few moments she smiled. “Splendid evening, huh? I won’t get my hopes up but I don’t see the harm. What are these detached upper-class people pretending to care about at the event anyway?” 

“Right–right. Makes sense. Being the center of gossip is never really fun unless you created the gossip yourself. Oh and no it was not hun–I like learning about my castmates. But to answer your question, yes it is a irish accent.”

“I’m not really a gossiper. I tend to tell people to their face when something they’ve done is questionable or out of sorts. Still fucking sucks though. Castmates? I completely forget that’s a thing sometimes. Is that bad? I bet you get tired of hearing it or acknowledge it’s just how you sound but it’s very pretty. I’d never been to the United Kingdom before this whole show.”

“shit mate. sounds a little bit of a nightmare, if i’m being honest. what were your expectations, humor me a bit, yeah? i mean, if you don’t want to then fuck it, we can move on from this but i am a bit curious. but what would you consider the end?”

“my expectations of love or the end? because the love i expected to feel great but i didn’t expect it to feel like it did. world changing but so easy at the same time. as for the end, didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it does. did. but in a general term, i think the end is quite clear. and maybe sometime before that comes around she’ll at least acknowledge i know there’s still love there. consider me whimsical and also consider me hurt by it but don’t write it off until you’ve felt it.” 

Litely: i have my moments. there are definitely more pleasant methods to work up a sweat

Litely: that's where a little five finger discount comes in handy

Eli: there are. still doesn't change the fact i was talking about saunas and not those.

“Simply? Yes. Same person. Hundreds of time since. Because heartbreak doesn’t happen all at once. It’s not like everything went down and my heart broke completely there and then. No, its happened over years. Certain phrases I hear in passing or the sight of particular flowers. The shades of certain sunsets and those people on the street that make you double-take and feel strangely cold. Memories that make you sweat when you can see history repeating itself. But I bet she doesn’t know half of how it made me feel. It should have fixed by now. Nothing a good bit of prayer and wanking off God can’t fix right, darlin’?”

“Oh yeah? By your choice in words, I’m assumin’ you’ve felt that shit, yeah? Love? Lemme ask you somethin’, did it work out for you in the end?”

“I’ve felt that shit, yeah. It’s not something I’m concerned by and as for working out in the end, it depends on what your expectations are of the end. I’m still here aren’t I? So surely I can’t know what the end is.”

Litely: oh i don't

Litely: trust me, i'm much more likely to be found in a spa. how vintage of you

Eli: Elegant. Can't fuckin' stand saunas though. i don't need to want to be sweaty

“Whatever,  you’re the one invading my privacy.” Ada huffed, annoyed. “Just wanted some alone time but it seems that’s too much to ask in this house.”

Eli raised her eyebrows but did not back down. Neither did she advance. Instead she just reached into her pocket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. “You live in a reality where your life isn’t supposed to be private so yes, it probably is.” She extended the box to Ada, putting one of her own between her lips. “Want to join me for one? Could use it probably.”