A Life Of Chronic Illnesses❣💫

Yeah I can’t remember the last time where I spoke or thought of myself in any positive way. I don’t feel myself in any way that’s even remotely good/kind/nice. I severely lack any sort of self esteem, self confidence and self compassion so damn much it’s actually somewhat ridiculous. If anyone heard the things I massively overthink and say about myself…💬💭🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Can’t help but compare myself even though especially now that’s a completely unrealistic thing to do; I see that fully.😮‍💨🥴 I’m just not sure how to switch of that part of me. How to stop the overthinking and telling of myself in that way. I’m just nothing. Just have nothing nice to say about myself at all. If I can’t then Idk how i can’t think and expect others to. Not that I’m special enough to even be thought of my others. Like damn who am I😑🙄😓

To experience what it feels like to be wanted.

It’s stupid but I really do miss just being hugged properly. Even more so by someone taller/bigger. I felt special when it was the right ones.

I hate me, I want to change. I have nothing. I am nothing. I want a life, for it to magically get better and do the things that I thought I would be.. job, love, wedding, kids, life, friends. Realistically I know nothing is going to change, I’m going to be stuck like this. ‘Cos you know the chronic illnesses. Don’t seem me experiencing the things that I thought I would be as I get older. It’s nothing like what and where I thought my life would be in my late twenties. I can’t do this much longer, be like this. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know. I’m embarrassed over my life, or lack thereof. Nothing to live for, and that’s just going to feel worse the older I get. The only life I ‘experience’ is if I’m reading through a good book.

At the back of my head I know that my mental health is no longer 100% but I can’t can fully agree and admit to feeling like I am. I feel I have no right to struggle with it. I mean everyone has down days so what’s the norm these days.

Those moments where I wish I just wasn’t here. That I didn’t exis. They’re happening more lately.

Forever wanting to feel wanted.

It’s a lonely existence. I’m getting moments where I just don’t want to do it anymore. That I don’t want to be here anymore.

Fuck idk. Want so much to have that person. My person. My Best Friend. But like who and what even is that?! What such thing exists. One of the deciding factors that no one would even care if I wasn’t here anymore. Why am I never good enough to keep around? I would always go and call for everyone so we can head to the bus stop in the morning ready for school. And had times when I called and had to wait for them inside for a bit if they weren’t ready and so I would be answering the door to the others calling round before heading to the stop. But on the times where I may of been running late in getting out the door or when I may of been ill thus wasn’t going at all. Not once did anyone ever come and ‘call’ on those few times. It was like I was just forgotten about. If I wasn’t there they would just walk to the bus stop with not one of them having hesitation. Even if others were ill at the same time, normally I would just call for the next person, but again still never got that treatment. Although we lived on the same street, a quick walk away. I always remember looking out the window when I wasn’t going, it looked like they just didn’t think to come get me like I used to do them everyday. Even if they couldn’t come, I didn’t know until I rang for them. But I always made the effort and so seeing and knowing that it doesn’t returned. No second thought to check maybe I was just slightly late. No, I’d end up at the bus stop where they were already waiting. And even then there wasn’t a word said about it. It was always me making and trying for the effort else it would just be forgotten. If there even was anything at all even; more so invisible I must of seemed desperate and try hard. Trying to keep and maintain the friendship that I want to keep a hold of but didn’t realise it wasn’t a two way street. Too often I get this though. The feeling of being so easily forgotten, not even a thought of being missed and essentially invisible now. That I was so unimportant and with no impact for them. That even though years and years have gone by I can still remember the feeling of seeing them not even look back to check. They expected me to go and get them but I was never given the same courtesy. I just want to know so badly why no one cares. Anymore or if ever..