thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.
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Sending an email explaining everything I've tried with tech support for stuff outside their wheelhouse that they think shouldn't have a problem and should have a simple fix is like being in a Dr. Seuss book.
like yes I've tried the work computer, the personal computer, the library computer and the phone. I've tried a private browser, cleared caches, private wifi, public wifi, remote, on campus. I've tried it in a house, yes I've tried it with a mouse. I have tried it on a fox I have tried it in a box...
was thinking about this again, and now i'm considering a situation where (tos) mcspirk AREN'T together (yet) -
maybe mckirk is together, though, maybe they've been off-and-on over the years as they've been stationed in different places, and then the first night mccoy arrives on the enterprise, kirk walks into his quarters and is very, were you just signing up for the mission, bones, or is there something else you might want to sign up for, as well, and mccoy, smiling a little, his eyes cautious, says, i don't know, jim, five years is a long time - if it doesn't work out, then - and kirk cuts him off with, the only reason it hasn't worked out before is become you kept running off to save the universe with one ship or planet in need or another. you gonna run off on me again, bones? and mccoy knows, he does, that kirk's always been ambitious, always been focused on climbing the ladder towards his own command, and he knows it's not just his fault that they never lasted - never tried to last, because their friendship is too important to ruin on anything with an end date before it starts, but he still folds, just like he knows kirk knew he would.
what's gonna happen at the end of those five years? he asks, because he's had a relationship end messy before, and he'll give kirk most anything he wants, but he still - he still worries.
we'll figure it out, kirk says, so certain it should come off as cocky, but it doesn't, somehow. after all, five years should be just enough time to finally make you fall in love with me.
you don't need five years, mccoy doesn't say. he just smiles.
anyway the point of this is that: so, they're together. they've been together for ohhhh say a year, now. and they're both, hmmm, Aware of a Certain Vulcan. a certain vulcan who just got divorced. so there's an Awareness, there, but it's mostly layered underneath friendship and bickering and affection and respect and teasing.
and kirk and mccoy aren't very open with their relationship on the ship - they're both very private, professional people, and they have very clear lines about where their personal and professional lives intersect. they relax that around a few people, even spock (especially spock), although mccoy worries they're going to make him uncomfortable at first, although kirk trusts spock to speak up if they do - this is chess games and social calls, after all, far outside the command structure. spock certainly Notices when they slide from cmo and captain into leonard and jim, but somehow the human courting behaviors, rather than separating them, serve only to....include him, he thinks, in their small circle.
but then a bonded couple is needed for a month-long ceremony on a planet looking to join starfleet. and how convenient for starfleet command that they can send over a captain over as part of said bonded couple to handle this! (actually: it'd be funnier if TWO bonded couples are needed, and sarek and amanda are also sent over. let's go with that lmao)
and this culture, specifically, just so happens to have incredibly similar expectations for bondmates......
as vulcans.
and spock has been Aware of the relationship between kirk and mccoy, and he's been Aware of his own deepening respect and, yes, it would be illogical to lie to himself about it, so yes, his own deepening affection for them.
but to see them, right in front of his salad, performing vulcan bonding behaviors....
to see them performing vulcan bonding behaviors, even as they still so easily offer him entrance in their small circle, as if -
it is one thing for humans, with their ill-defined boundaries, allowing their lines between friendship and relationship to blur, but to see it so starkly with vulcan behaviors....
(it's definitely funnier if sarek and amanda are there as well, providing Commentary, let's definitely say they are)
listen, spock is all for the exchange of culture and ideas among peoples, but this is practically indecent.
(the real question is do mccoy and kirk figure out spock's into them before spock figures it out? i think so.)
(i think they do, and then they up their ante and try to drive that vulcan wild, bless <3)
kinda want to go super short again (heat, gay, lazy) however the long hair is v convenient for when you accidentally wear a shirt that's lower cut than expected/falls open with the work badge 🤔
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My top five TOS Enterprise crew members in order of favoritism because I'm bored, lol-
1. Spock (Because OF COURSE, nothing new under the sun or whatever that phrase was like-...... I also may or may not relate to him in a thousand little things- But don't we all?)
2. Bones (I love my grumpy, oh-so-very-kind-in-truth, done-with-everyone's-bullshit, southern old country Doctor)
3. Scotty (He's my Scottish diva, also- He gets things going, he's got an attitude, he performs Engineering miracles left and right, he's the one who made me laugh the most in both TOS and AOS- AND... He reminds me of my bestie, lol)
4. Chekov (It's Chekov, do I need to explain anything?)
5. Sulu (Well, our favorite helmsman- Also, despite everyone remembering him for that ((And the fencing...........)), including me on occasion, Sulu and the whole botany thing really left a mark for some reason and I love it, I love HIM so MUCH-)
Honorable mention: Lieutenant Kevin Riley I'll always love you, you were funnier than many and had awesome backstory (I know the focus is on Kirk's backstory technically, but I was so taken aback by Riley's bit in it that... well-) despite being a side character
I love everyone else too btw, it was really hard to leave Kirk, Uhura, Christine and many side character crew members that left an impression on me out of the ranking, lol- Will make a non-Enterprise side characters ranking soon enough if I feel bored again, lol- I hope I didn't say something weird because I'm tired, lol-
i love fics that feel so... grown. fics about adults that were written by adults who have years of life experience under their belts who pour that into their writing. fics where you can tell this is a person who has lived through a marriage or a divorce or a child or children or parent death or any number of Huge Life Events because the way they write with an emphasis on the highs and lows of the human experience rather than an emphasis on tropes (not throwing shade) is just so. oh man, it's just so fucking good. if my blorbos are grown men, grown women, grown people, i love it when they feel like grown people, not just extensions of the (young) author's imagination. (still not throwing shade). you know?
okay so re: spock's "the fact that one of my ancestors married a human female" quote in where no man has gone before.....like obviously the most likely situation is they hadn't decided his mom was human when they wrote that, but taking it seriously in-universe, if spock was actually hiding the fact that his mom is human, mccoy would still absolutely have to know.
like at the very least his medical history would show that, but also he'd just need to know re: spock's health overall, and now I'm losing it at mccoy looking through his charts, getting acquainted with the new ship and patients, and then immediately hearing spock being an absolute bitch about humanity, and then realizing that no one!!!! knows!!!! that spock's mom is human!!!!
"didn't his great grandpa marry a human or something??" some ensigns are gossiping in the mess, and mccoy is banging his head against the wall. medical confidentiality being what it is, of course mccoy is keeping spock's secret, but oh boy is he irritated at the situation!!!
spock, his eyes gleaming in amusement at mccoy's ill-hidden irritation, talking shit about how human mothers are known to coddle their young, knowing mccoy can't say a damn word....... post journey to babel mccoy is ready to unload MONTHS of snarky comments now that everyone knows!!!! except he can't, because spock immediately switches tack entirely and takes on the guise of a good son defending his mama.
mccoy IS gonna kill him btw.
bonus points tho if spock and kirk eventually meet mccoy's mom and spock sucks up sooooooooo bad determined to make this woman he KNOWS mccoy's complained about him to like him........extra funny if she DOES love him but doesn't admit to it (mccoy comes by his nature honestly!!!) and instead dotes on kirk, and spock SULKS and SULKS until she probably does something devastating on the last day like give spock something of mccoy's dad's because she thinks he'd want spock to have it....spock looks at mccoy, and mccoy just nods with a smile, and spock is genuinely touched and speechless and struggling with all his might not to show it lmao
I’m always soft for the idea that Sarek likes McCoy for Spock, but obviously he won’t show it either. So now I’m just picturing a two family dinner at some restaurant, and everyone in the restaurant thinks “wow this looks so tense and uncomfortable” because McCoy and Spock are being weird to each other, and Sarek is Stone faced, and Mama McCoy keeps poking at Spock, but in fact everyone at the table is having a fantastic time. They leave the restaurant and are immediately like “let’s do this again”
You could totally throw in Jim and Amanda at one end having a nice normal conversation, just to add some contrast to the chaos too.
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wanna hang out [remembers it's rude to put expectations on people] it's cool if not [remembers people like to know they're wanted] but I'd really like it if you did [remembers selfishness is bad] we can do whatever you want though [remembers that handing someone a blank canvas isn't as effective as providing a suggestion to bounce ideas off of] like sucking each others fingers for example
in my little pony universe youd go to a job interview and theyd be like so how does your cutiemark reflect your dedication to this position. And every time youd have to spew some bullshit about how your cutiemark of two tennis rackets actually means youre a team player and good at multitasking and view the market like a playing field. or whatever. and you wouldnt even get the job
Heyyyy everyone (one person)!! Really exciting news! I finished my first square for the McSpirk bingo! The first one obviously had to be “Spock Cries” cause???? Oh my god?? It came to me like a grim vision. Hope you enjoy!!
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Also follow @mcspirkevents for, well, events! And very good fanart reblogs! And they’re the ones who made my lovely card!
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i'm sure i've said this before but the fact that every single track on emotion side b is a straight banger. releasing a b side album of your magnum opus and i would put every song on the main album like. her mind.
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