Contemplate the Undiscovered

Have you ever had a plan to do something and you were just absolutely ecstatic about it? The pursuit of the plan is exciting and the completion of it is rewarding. Everyone likes excitement and rewards, right?

But what happens when your plan doesn’t come to fruition? When things don’t go as planned? Well, to put it simply, you’ve been ousted. You’re out of luck and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. You’ve failed in the execution of your plan entirely. The feelings that come along with that are the exact opposite of the feelings you experience when you complete your plan as intended. It’s defeat. It’s failure. But you can’t stop there! You must come to the realization that the failure within the attempt is worth just as much as the success. But how?

All over the interwebz you can find numerous clips of motivational speakers talking about failure being the fuel to success and that is very true and the best attitude to have about it as a whole. But you don’t see nearly as many clips of people talking about HOW to deal with the failure. Failure is not “fuel” like gasoline. You can’t just pull up and pour the fuel of failure into your tank and count on it to get you further or closer to success. It just doesn’t work like that, but I wish it did. So you’re left to your own devices. 

The reason for me writing this is that I personally have failed in my own attempt of the plan that I had put into action. And it stings. But...It’s forced me to figure out how to make things happen outside of the previous plan. I moved to San Diego on a 6 month work contract and I chose to nullify the contract myself after 3 months. It’s hard to work for someone you don’t respect and that was the position I was in. We all get jobs to get a paycheck. If that wasn’t the case, we would all be volunteers in the world of charity! So If you’re working for that dollar you’re earning, you’d better do it right. And if you don’t, well, you’re pretty much SOL because there is someone out there who will do it right and to many companies, It doesn’t matter to them who they pay, it matters that the job gets done.

Whether you work for a gigantic corporation, a medium sized company or a small mom and pop shop, as an employee you have a responsibility. You took the job because that responsibility was within the realm of your ability and you plan to do exactly that so you can get that sweet, sweet paycheck! The problem here comes when you no longer have the internal desire to do the tasks that you’ve been hired to do. In turn, many of us eventually dread going into our jobs day after day and watch the clock while we’re there until it’s time to go home. This is unfortunate and has led to a nation of people who question their own worth and happiness, all because they spend 40+ hours a week doing something that they don’t really even care about. it’s all about the paycheck!

I am very fortunate that I have been able to find a job that I am able to truly enjoy on a day to day basis and not have to watch the clock but the clock and the job itself had nothing to do with why I am no longer there. The person who employed me is the reason that I chose to leave. Nearly everyone can think of a manager they’ve had that they absolutely could not stand! This is fairly common and to be fair, it is not the managers job to be everyone’s friend. If you can’t find common ground with those who are in charge of your  day-to-day actions and responsibilities, well, you’re gonna have a bad time. It’s just that simple. 

So it’s up to you! Continue to work under the supervision of someone you don’t like or respect doing something that you’ve been hired to do, or get out! If you absolutely love what you do with a passion but cannot stand those who give you orders, either try to find common ground or take it upon yourself to remove yourself from the environment that has been responsible for your misery. You are responsible for your own happiness and it’s up to you to take the reigns to turn a failure into motivation for the future. Or you can bitch and moan and remain miserable. The only person you are hurting in the end is yourself.

San Diego, you have been fun, but the mid-west is still where my heart and family and friends are. I am grateful for the opportunity and experience and wouldn’t change a thing if i had the chance. This has made me stronger and wiser and has been a wonderful 3 months in sunny California. 

Don’t be afraid to make plans. And don’t get discouraged if those plans don’t work. Just keep moving forward. If you admit defeat, you have already lost and nothing good will come of that. Keep your spirit and physche afloat and look deep inside to find the next best step for yourself. I’ve already got another plan in motion and I’m more excited than I was for the previous plan because I know that I have grown.

Many thanks for reading and much love to you.

It’s all a ritual ALL OF IT! Everything you do, until you’re doing “it”  is a ritual. It’s a whole process that involves surprisingly little thought & with practice, becomes easier to put in habit effectively. Think about it...

Process-Waking up

Ritual-Setting alarm

Process-Going to work

Ritual-Starting car, buckling up, checking mirror, avoid smashing into everyone else while you float to work at 75 mph.

Process- Working

Ritual-WHATEVER YOU DO EVERY DAY AT WORK

As a sacrament, these rituals are what we devote ourselves to. Somewhere in the midst of doing what you’ve come to know and what you know is still to come. Conducting yourself to prepare for what you know is on the immanent horizon. The Sol.

My favorite ritual is showering. Getting clean. Washing away the dirt. Basking in the warmth. We shower our young and our old and our poor and our rich, we shower each other. The act itself is sacrilegious for a reason. Because it involves intimacy of letting your guard down. For ancient people it would have been done in a secluded area, safe from danger. In modern times we have come to know this as a small room with a mirror in it that fogs up and defeats the purpose of itself. in a small room, totally naked. 

Then you get dressed...The Ritual

The Process - Dress appropriately. 

Until you dressed yourself, someone else put those sheets of linen over your body for  you!!. To protect you from the elements or let you be free within them. You did not consciously do this for yourself first! No, no, no.

As the water runs in my hair I tilt my neck forward and let the water pour in front of me as I gaze downward at my feet. Those thoughts between moments. Where is that place?!?! Im still looking. I know it is right in front of me but i can’t put my finger on it. 

Me: 26 year old single, white male. Right off the bat, I have an advantage so things come easy, right? Sure. I still want to get a genealogy test because white privilege is an excuse for white people in a dying system where white people don’t know where they came from. No more politics, I promise. they’re not worth talking about. 

Flashback to March 2017, and i’m leading a miserable life by my own definition. I hated the job that i was at, mon-fri, 9-5, staring at a computer, testing “concrete batch and control software.”and I hated my boss. It was even less fun than it sounds. I was at that job for 8 of the lovely 24 hours of my days. Hours i keep unusual perhaps unhealthy track of. We’re on a timer, ya know? So I was in a relationship that started strong and was slowly tearing apart at the seams due to stress caused by 2 people not knowing what they want for themselves but trying to make something work together. Thinking it will inevitably answer one of the many dubious questions you have managed to conjure up about the great worth of your life thus far and where you are taking it.

So I; one miserable person, found myself constantly indulging on acts of selfishness and in turn, making the person who i should have been being selfless towards, miserable as well. We all pledge ourselves to our relationships in life to some extent. Be it work or school or business, platonic or romantic. What we often don’t pay as much attention to in pursuit of that, is the relationships we leave behind. Rest assured there will be stragglers left behind...and you can’t seem to do anything but let them unravel, for they’ll never be as they were. And that’s ok. They were strong while they were lasting but nothing lasts forever and everything here dies alone. Sad but true fact.

All tears aside I could be a hermit... Really though. I’m nocturnal by nature, something about the dark of the night calls out to me to stay awake and cease the time then, while everyone else is sleeping. You can figure something out now! At 3 AM through the week, no one really wants anything from you unless you’re in the company of someone else who’s awake. With this philosophy I have come to find sleep deprivation and appreciate the fact that I have to have solitude in my life. It is my safe quiet place away from everything except the thoughts in my mind, which I desperately need to sift through and inventory on a pretty regular basis.

So to bring a crooked circle back around. After I left the miserable job I was at and destroyed a relationship with a woman I loved and whom i saw as my wife one day... I press reset. I looked for a new job and found one related to something I was passionate about. That job was working on cell phones, tablets and small electronics.Turns out I’m pretty good at it too. My dad was a mechanic and handy-man by nature so i think its in my blood. I got a job at a place called CPR: Cell Phone Repair and it’s a franchise opportunity. I went to corporate training in Cleveland in June and met a guy named Rey and a guy named Ravi. Ravi was planning to open a CPR near San Diego in the coming months and Rey was his only hired technician. I joked with Rey the Saturday before training was over that I could come work with Rey in the shop out there if i couldn’t find new roommates. To my surprise, Rey went and asked Ravi right then and there if he’d be interested in hiring me. Literally, as simple as that. The idea was born.

Fast forward to 8:40 AM PST, October 15th 2017 and I’ve been living in San Diego for a week now. Its still surreal but i already know I did the right thing. Deep down it feels good to write this even if no one reads it. This is processing for me, and I know in my heart of hearts, everyone is trying to figure it out for themselves. So go and do that. Do what works for you and what you’re passionate about and take a chance. Take a risk. Break a rule. Press a button. Do something to make your life any different than it is now... Unless you already love it. Then don’t change a thing. I’m A Week Deep and i’m here on a 6 month contract. Should be a fun 6 months. 

Why is it that we always seem to find ourselves in the midst of wanting something to change? But at the same time, we so willingly choose to do the same things that comes so easily to us instead of changing to attain what we tell ourselves we want?

Comfort Zones. Everybody has one. Some are larger or smaller than others, and sometimes it might only be as big as a bubble. No matter how large or small, everybody has a comfort zone that we secretly long to be in! Since moving out of my parents house, i have decked my house out the whole nine yards. Gaming memorabilia, musical and artistic displays, dual monitor setups in nearly every room. Once I’m home, I can decide where the comfort zone is for the evening. I’ve migrated room to room and bounced back and forth since we’ve moved in and up until recently, I didn’t really realize what I was doing. I would come home everyday from my 9-5 job and plan to fill the other 16 hours of my day with as much entertaining bullshit as possible. I’m 600+ hours into a 3 year Destiny gaming career. Sad that I call it a career, but It is. I haven’t spent 600 hours doing much of any one thing in my life that I know of. Things changed recently when I started getting bored of playing video games no matter which one I would play. It felt very empty when there was no true desire to “game.” This made me look for something else to do. I’m a high energy person but I don’t exercise much which is my fault alone, but nevertheless, I usually try to exhaust myself mentally instead of physically. So I found myself watching documentaries and science shows, and learning some really cool things that made me realize I do have a natural interest in learning new things. It keeps me entertained and as long as there is something more to know about whatever new thing I’m into, well that’s what I’m working towards! Then i would get there...and soon be bored of that. I jump from hobby to hobby, interest to interest. all in the name of trying to entertain myself but after 18 months of doing so, you really start to feel empty in a weird way. I’m a 25 year old white male, I have absolutely nothing to complain about. What I’m truly realizing is that I accomplished what I set out to do which was move out of my parents place and have a dope house with my best friend and the gnarliest 16 console projector gaming setup you’ve ever seen! I have that now...So I’m left twiddling my thumbs now trying to entertain myself with it all and I’ve finally reached my wits end with it I think. As i write this for something new to do that has more fulfillment, I am considering a new job and career path entirely. Why not? I want and need change in my life. I have established a comfort zone that I am the King of and everything is very much often to my exact specific liking. But creating this environment for me only does so much for the other people who get to see it and now I realize it’s really just a bunch of materialistic shit that my consumer desires obtained and there’s no value left in them.I value human interaction and meaningful relationships. Sharing information and knowledge and community. These are all things that I really do wish i had more of on a daily basis. But when 5:30 rolls around and I get home from work, a lot of times I really don’t want to do or go or hang out with anyone because believe it or not i just set a timer for 16 hours from now when i have to go back to my complacent job where I do monotonous tasks telling myself the pay and benefits are worth it. I didn’t write this to self deprecate, I wrote it to remind myself that too much of your comfort zone is a bad thing. You need to go do something new when you really don’t want to. You don’t have to go get trashed all weekend and then try to recover on Sunday to have a good time. There are so many things in the beautiful city of Columbus that we all can take part in but instead I often chose to take part in what i already have going on...which honestly isn’t much. 

If you don’t have plans with someone already, find something to do and invite someone to come along with you! Someone new, someone old, someone you need to reconnect with. Don’t let other people’s lack of action to interact with you hinder your personal experience. As a human race we can reach each other on the other side of the planet in a matter of milliseconds and message each other on at least 3 different platforms at any given moment. So what’s the deal with everyone feeling disconnected? Get in touch with yourself and establish your usual comfort zone, then dare yourself to leave it! Triple dog dare yourself! And when you puss out on that, force yourself! Everyone want’s change but no one wants to make the change to achieve it. I am no saint, I’ve got my own work cut out.

If you read this far, thanks for reading my first entry. I’m going to try to write more instead of refreshing every social media site i have until my eyes bleed.

yours truly,