Countless hours, infinite minutes, an eternity of seconds.
Tens of times I’ve thought about how much it really would hurt to die… and if living was worth it. Hundreds of nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. Thousands of times I’ve whispered into the closing nighttime anxiety, “I can’t do this.” Tens of thousands of sharp breaths, speeding heartbeats, sweaty palms.Â
Six years ago on my bed, after my sixth panic attack in a week, I told myself that I couldn’t survive. One week ago, holding my head in my hands after hearing about the passing of someone I loved, I told myself that I couldn’t survive. One hour ago, feeling my heart sink back into my stomach, I told myself I couldn’t survive.
Countless hours from now, infinite minutes from now, an eternity of seconds from now.
Tens of times from now, I will have reminded myself of good books & my favorite songs and decide life is worth living. Hundreds of nights in the future, I will fall asleep with a smile on my face… not because the day was the best of my life, but because I have hope for a brighter morning. Thousands of times I will whisper to the closing night, “I am ready for you.” Tens of thousands of unashamed laughs, speeding heartbeats (because of love, not fear), hands busy painting.Â
Six years from now, on my bed, holding myself together still, telling myself that tomorrow won’t take as much courage as I think. One week from now, swaying silently to the music from the radio, telling myself that this is peace. One hour from now, sinking into sleep, telling myself that the future is not all lost.
Every day of my life, I have believed there is no going on. Every day of my life, I have proved myself wrong.
