...

Yung buhay ko, dalawa lang ang kulay itim at puti. Sistemang paulit-ulit nalang, pare-parehong mukha ang nakakasalubong araw-araw. Nakakasawa. Narinig ata nang nasa itaas ang reklamo ko, kasi paglingon ko nakita kita. Ang tagal kong nakatitig sayo, saan ka kaya nanggaling? Ano kayang pangalan mo? At anong rason ang nagudyok sayo para mapunta dito sa mundo ko? Mukha kang nawawala, parang di mo alam kung saan ka ba dapat magpunta. Kaya nilapitan kita at nagpakilala.

My whole life I grew up never belonging to any place. I grew up being different from anything I held dear to me. You see, the people I loved the most would reject my self-ness. I was not like anybody. I was a term they could not define. The people I loved the most made me the most lonely. I struggled to be lovable. I would have so much to offer. but it meant nothing, no one could sustain me anyway. My soul would struggle to escape my body at the thought of it.  I got to twenty-one and I still felt like running away. I was bold in my sacrifices for my people in return for their acceptance. I wanted them to stop the ache I felt in my heart. Desperately and foolishly. I felt different all the time. I knew what kind of effect I had on people, but it was not enough for me to stay. I cannot count how many times I almost packed my bags for the love of me. I truly only belonged to my heart. I only wanted to eat my heart out on my own.

“Sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that’s tired.”

I can’t help but think to myself: half of us are skeletons desperately trying to leave our bodies, and the other half are just skin and bones trying to survive.

But how many times does it have to get worse before it actually gets better?

You see,  my youth was eating me  whole. I had full lips of compassion,  and my eyes were in love with grief. I sat my hair in a bun and I will break myself like a honeycomb.  All sultry and perhaps too dulce. I would cry like a serenade for you. You see,  my hurt was tremendous, my hurt was the loveliest.  And I would take my eyes and run off to the city.  Forget me when I am in the capital. And forget you.  Jealousy was not enough for me, and I would call you all the time, with my heart half broken  on my sleeve. But for you there were greater things than me. So I break the world in half  and I make you chase my heart.  Because you see,  I make you feel like nobody else.

redemption