ʀᴀɴᴛ ¹
hello. i'm someone who goes by the name wang and am utterly a mess and honestly dispassionate. that's okay. i come from a shaky background, usually at blame from my parents discourse and dislike against me. i was born in a beautiful country, but eventually sent and raised here with immigrant parents. i hated it when i first arrived, i missed sitting on a terrace and watching sunsets or taking a metro to visit family in the country side with warm breezy weather and tomatoes everywhere with the smell of coffee and crisp bread. when i started school as the new student, i was ogled at and poked at for a few weeks. the very first day, an morbidly chubby, auburn headed girl made me cry. she threatened me as if i was a vermin sitting in her seat by accident trying to take her place in society. i was nine. afterwards, i closed off and stayed alone. i made a few friends and they stayed with me since. but then as of recently, i noticed changes. in the throws of maturity and different schools, they've grown distant and somewhat passive. i didn't mind, i had a tryst with one of them which resulted in me realizing i'm too "emotionally dependent" and "eager for attention" when i feel like i'm being ignored (even if i'm truly being avoided for someone to pursue a crush without interference of a close friend). now it's summer break here, and everyone has a purpose to fulfill in the roles of relaxation and participation in activities made to be seen as something "social". instead i avoided the lot of it. because i realized that even if, i'm always seen as that someone who is "different" and "misjudged". i don't want the pity they throw me, i hate it. i just want to be able to say something without it taken in the wrong way or interpreted as a threat to my life. i'm a total mess, but i realize that such topics over self image and stances will come later. right now it's just the act of feeling out. this is therapeutic to release what i say here, without anyone i know to understand who i am or why. i just want a sense of justice that one day someone will find this and think "oh look, something i relate to". because when you're thrown into a world of the seemingly unknown with customs that are unfamiliar and somewhat scary, you're going to need someone there as a shoulder. hopefully i'm that shoulder. as i was saying, everyone changes and change is welcome, correct? but when it caused those around me to become hostile and beyond rude, what do i do? i go along and act equally as cold. but when i act on this instinct, expecting them to change the way they adapted to friending a foreigner, i can't help but think my advances go unheeded. they friended me, but was it out of pity because the new girl was seemingly lonely? or simply because they wanted to be friends? who knows, it seems as if they had two faces and the worst of the two is making itself known now. i just hope things turn out well, and as i haven't went into full detail as to what i'm referring to, i can only hope this'll be a temporary.. diary of some sort. until then, i'm remaining reclusive and mysterious so by the end of all of this you'll hopefully know who i am. i believe.
