gone

More than what he would honestly like, Sungjong is embarrassed. He’s cried before, most often in front of Howon, but that was when he was a child. He isn’t a child anymore, he knows this, sees it when he looks in the mirror and no longer see the pubescent teen who would voluntarily look for trouble. He’s matured, grown into his facial features and finally knows what angle to stand at to make him look imposing and striking to others, to inflict the correct emotions when needed to. Now, he just feels weak, aged down by ten years even. The days pass almost solemnly so, Howon still going to work, an obligation that Sungjong has retired from, pulling out his vacation days and knowing full well that Dongwoo is going to be overrun with things, but there are on-call workers that they can depend on, more so than they can with Sungjong at least.

“He’ll be okay,” Howon tells him one night when the two are eating a sad dinner of ramyun. Sungjong hasn’t been to his own home since Sungyeol has left.

Howon’s words are pointless, they don’t mean anything to the Sungjong of right now. Maybe a few days ago they would have caused hope to swell in his chest, but Sungjong has recovered from all that, reverted to his usual indifference. The rest of the night is silent, the occasional grumble here and there from Howon and it isn’t until Sungjong finds himself flipping through channels that he nearly has a heart attack when a familiar face pops up on the screen.

“Police are currently on the look out for Lee Sungyeol, suspected for the murder of twenty-eight year old Park Soyeon. Investigations are currently underway as we urge citizens to call in any reports or sightings of the suspect.”

The gasp Sungjong lets out resounds loud and clear, Howon having dropped his pen from his desk to stare at the other. “What is it?”

“Hyung,” Sungjong mumbles out, “It’s Sungyeol hyung, they– he’s being searched for, for murder.”

Immediately, the other stops all that he’s doing, rushing over to the television as his eyes scan widely across the screen, reading the headlines and trying to wrack his brain for any plausible answer. Almost with an insistent need to know, Sungjong exasperates, “Do you think this is why he– why he left?”

There’s a sharp stabbing in Sungjong’s chest once the words leave his mouth. He hadn’t meant it like that and he almost feels childish once more in the presence of Howon whose eyes have narrowed dangerously at Sungjong. Of course this isn’t why Sungyeol has left them, as if he could be capable of– of murder. He shakes his head as soon as he can, shaking the words off as well, remembering just who it is he’s talking to. He needs to show a stronger face in front of Howon. “Right. It couldn’t have been. This is just some misunderstanding.”

“It has to be,” says Howon, returning his attention to the television. Sungjong can see the tense lines in his back.

Moments later they receive a worried call from Dongwoo and Sungjong remains calm enough to talk through it, to make sure that Dongwoo doesn’t burst into tears over the line.

Sunggyu and Woohyun remain silent in the situation..

-

When Myungsoo is fully woken, there is an unexplainable pain in his waist, causing him to almost lurch over the bed. His eyes are puffy, making it hard for him to see where it is he’s at exactly. There’s a soft ray of sunlight filtering through the window, curtains opened wide and exposing Myungsoo to the outside. He practically hates it.  

“You’re awake,” comes the soft voice. Jiyeon’s voice. “Don’t move, you’ve got a giant bruise staining your mid section.”

Myungsoo is obedient, feeling the pain still crawling through him and it makes him feel so broken, much more than anything else in the world has ever. Jiyeon twists idly at a strand of her hair, looking quite desperate to reach out and card through Myungsoo’s, but his expression is guarded and icy, drawing her away from him. “What am I doing here?”

“You were dropped off,” she replies immediately, eyes flickering all around the room nervously. “Half alive.”

It doesn’t sound untruthful, Myungsoo’s mind is still able to recall his last few conscious moments, the two voices still clear in his pitch black memory. His mouth is so parched and his skin feels like it’s simply just hanging on his bones now, Myungsoo concludes he probably looks worse than he should. Imagine if Sungyeol were to see him now. Without really meaning to, he lets out a breathy sound, somewhere in between a broken sob and a dry laugh. Jiyeon startles, but settles easily again when she sees just how pained Myungsoo’s expression is. He’s such a poor creature.

“We need to discuss what’s in the basement,” she says moments later when Myungsoo’s laughter has died down. “Before it’s too late.”

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about,” Myungsoo snorts. He really doesn’t know what she means, but he has an idea of sorts.

“You know this place, you were here long before I lived here,” she mumbles softly, biting on the pink flesh of her lip. “I just want to know who’s in there–”

“Did you go down there?” Myungsoo interrupts, tone sharp.

“N-No,” she stutters out, completely taken aback. She fiddles with her hair even more.

Myungsoo’s eyes are cold, a blizzard so intense they burn right into Jiyeon, causing her to look straight down at the floor instead. An aura of danger emits from him, warning her off and if he weren’t in such a weakened state, he would be standing, directing all of it’s malice towards her.

“Don’t go into the basement.”

-

Sungyeol is running again, but it seems that’s all he does recently. Always running, watching helplessly as the floor beneath his feet always breaks away and crumbles, causing him to fall into memories that he doesn’t want to recall.

There’s a voice ringing wherever he goes and it only gets louder the further away he runs from it.

Over and over again it repeats the same words, cursing Sungyeol.

Screams of horror, followed by drowning.

“Stop!

Please stop!

Why are you doing this?!

I don’t want to die.”

-

The prospect of what Sungjong is going to ask for is probably too much, but the anxiety has to eating away at Howon too, so he doesn’t hold back when he brings it up.

“I did some research on Sungyeol hyung.”

“What?” Howon nearly spits out, thick brows furrowed deeply.

Sungjong knows just how much Howon intends to stay out of this, how he wants to keep one foot in while the other is sawed off and thrown as far away from this as possible. However, it’s too late, Howon has been as involved as anyone could possibly be, all from simply knowing Lee Sungyeol.

“I went through his personal files– from work,” Sungjong admits easily. He only takes a brief moment to look at Howon’s perplexed expression. “I found out he has no family.”

Howon doesn’t move, he instead remains frozen like a statue, face still very upset, but slightly calm, as if he’s thinking something through. Sungjong continues, “I didn’t know that before. I searched into it more and his medical records showed up and I–”

“I know,” Howon says finally, stopping Sungjong. “I know.”

“You know?” Sungjong snaps, suddenly feeling very hot. “You knew and you didn’t say anything?”

“Sunggyu hyung told me,” he divulges, “before Sungyeol quit. He told me.”

Something white ignites in Sungjong and he feels very betrayed, left completely in the dark almost at the realization. Of course, he expects something like this from Sunggyu, the hyung who hides so much, who bears too much weight on his shoulders. But, Howon. That’s a different story all in it’s own. “Why the fuck didn’t you say anything to me?”

“It wasn’t your place to know,” Howon clarifies, voice very hard and firm. His arms cross and he talks down to Sungjong as if the other were still sixteen. “And it still isn’t.”

“Not my place to know? How is it not my place to know? I’m friends with Sungyeol hyung too, aren’t I? I’ve known him for years and been by his side long enough and it isn’t my place to know?”

“That’s exactly why it isn’t your place, you view him too much as a friend, Sungjong. You’re naive, you wouldn’t have been able to handle the truth. You would have broke down and cried, you’re just a child–”

His sentence is cut off short when the fury within Sungjong erupts at full force, he grabs Howon’s collar, pulling him flush against his body as he presses a hard kiss against the other’s lips, practically slamming into him. Before Howon even has a chance to retaliate, Sungjong shoves him away from his body, raising a fist to deliver a not so gentle blow to the side Howon’s face. It’s infuriating, everything about Howon is infuriating to Sungjong. “I’m not a child!” He spits, heaving out heavy, angry breaths as he stares down at Howon, who has fallen to the floor in a stupor.

The other male doesn’t rise and it’s moments of heated silence as Sungjong refuses to apologize or offer a helping hand. He’s pissed.

“You’re right,” says Howon after a heartbeat. His hand rests on the spot where Sungjong hit him, refusing to touch where Sungjong kissed him. “You’re not a child. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have told you anything anyways.”

There is a need somewhere deep within Howon, a need to protect what is dear to him, but Sungjong remains even more blind to that aspect than he ever has before.

-

It’s the middle of the night when Woohyun opens his eyes.

He looks wrecked, as does Sunggyu who hasn’t properly been home in days, the nurses of the hospital too full of pity to force him away. It’s refreshing almost and nothing like Sunggyu envisioned it to be, they wind up laughing, raucously enough to wake up the three other patients that Woohyun is rooming with. After managing to apologize (and breathe again) Sunggyu makes sure to call a nurse in, more personal rush in causing lights to flash on and soon the whole room is wide awake and Sunggyu isn’t going to apologize for that.

Woohyun is, for the most part, okay. He’s lost weight (which he jokes about not having to go on that diet) and has a pretty wild beard growing (it’s more like stubble, but Sunggyu envisions a forest) and there are wrinkles pulling on his face, which look unattractive as hell but Sunggyu shuts up about that.

“Ridiculous,” Woohyun sighs when he gets the chance, after everything has settled and it’s just him and Sunggyu again, boxed in by the pale green hospital curtains. He drags a tired hand down his face, lips stained red from the cranberry juice he was forced to drink. “I can’t believe I’m alive.”

“Well,” Sunggyu snorts, “I can’t either.”

“I can’t believe you are too,” Woohyun says, eyes narrowed at the other. It’s playful and so Sunggyu smiles thinly at him.

“You alright?”

“You’ve asked that like fifty times since I woke up, the answer is still the same.”

Sunggyu purses his lips at Woohyun’s indignance. “Just being the amazing hyung I am and making sure–”

“Is Sungyeol here?”

The question throws Sunggyu off, way off. He had been expectant of any Sungyeol related questions, but not this early – then again it is Nam Woohyun. “I– No. He’s not. He’s probably at home, waiting for a call or something.”

“Oh,” he says softly, almost deflated, like he wanted to see Sungyeol instead of Sunggyu. It hurts, almost, but in a sick sort of way that Sunggyu is not willing to own up to.

“He was extremely worried though, called a lot a few weeks ago. He’s most likely moping and what not at home, afraid I’ll bite him or something.”

Woohyun chuckles almost breathlessly at that. “Stop scaring, God.”

“It’s his fault for always being so timid,” Sunggyu says fondly. He looks down at Woohyun to see the other looking sober– torn. Something immediately tightens in Sunggyu’s chest.

“It was– you know it was him, right?” Woohyun seems to choke out the words, unsure of what it is he’s truly saying.

“Yeah. I knew. It was him.” They sound even more strange from Sunggyu’s tongue, for him to admit to someone what he already knew, what he was hiding for so long, what he will continue to hide.

“I mean, it was definitely him, you know? But then again it was definitely not him and I’m so confused because it was Sungyeol who–”

“No, I understand,” Sunggyu cuts him off so Woohyun doesn’t have to go through the pain of voicing it himself. “It was Sungyeol who pushed you.”

-

One, two, three.

The clock strikes directly on the hour and Sungyeol feels a warm liquid pooling in his cupped hands. Fear is what causes him to tremble and even more so, the adrenaline still pumping through his veins that he has no understanding of. A soft thud causes him to look downwards, a head full of long beautiful hair lolling at his feet. He vomits at the sight, emptying out nothing but saliva and acid, his throat burning harshly.

They’re running on a school track, Sungyeol doesn’t remember why, but he’s pretty sure it has to do with passing gym. He’s always hated gym, but it’s Woohyun who pats his back as he passes him, grinning that familiar grin and encouraging him to go on, so he does. Part way through, when he’s so sure he’s near the finish line, his surroundings shift and he’s out of breath, standing on the rooftop of some building, watching the breeze sway through the branches of some nearby trees. Woohyun is there too, he’s smiling, warm and comfortable, the pits in Sungyeol’s stomach screaming against all odds that this is wrong, he’s in the wrong place. Hands shoot out of nowhere, Woohyun is falling, Sungyeol is trying to catch him, only to find he’s the one who pushed.

Time stops for a moment there, but then the scene fades black, a horrified smile is left imprinted in Sungyeol’s mind. He feels like he’s blacked out, but when he comes to, he’s in that old house again. The one with the boarded windows and dusted walls. It smells the same, almost relaxed to him, but that’s not how it should feel. Sungyeol should be terrified, trying to run away. His legs move on their own, closer and closer, deeper and deeper, he goes in. There’s a strange dent under the rug, so he moves it, the action a little too familiar for him. It’s a hidden hatch, leading even further down into the Earth, Sungyeol reaches for it, but grasps at nothing as he is suddenly laying on the beach with Myungsoo’s head in his lap.

“Myungsoo?” He asks in a mumble, eyes trained on the beautiful boy looking up at him.

But there isn’t an answer, things move too fast again and Sungyeol’s in the coffee shop with Sungjong this time, hands being held as his dongsaeng looks at him as if he’s gone off the deep end. Sungyeol knows he hasn’t though, he’s just worried, concerned because Myungsoo is missing. He’s not crazy, he isn’t. He screams. Everything shifts.

Before him lies a body, it isn’t the one he’s accustomed to seeing in his dreams, but it’s a lifeless one alright. When he moves to inspect it, he almost lets out another scream. It’s female, he can’t tell who it is, her face has been clawed, eyes gouged out and flesh torn open in heaping chunks. There’s warm blood everywhere, her chest open and letting pools of it pour out, almost endlessly. Sungyeol takes a step back, red all over his clothes and hands and he’s shaking so hard that he thinks he’ll never stop. He slams his eyes shut and rocks back and forth on his heels, terror filling all his nerves.

When Sungyeol wakes up, he’s not alone, but oh, oh how he feels like he is.

Sungjong is beside him, protective arm thrown over his shoulder and Sungyeol sucks in a sharp breath. It’s wrong, it’s all wrong. He slips out of the other’s embrace carefully and manages to get free, though Sungjong stirs in his sleep. It’s already six in the morning, Sungyeol’s only slept for an hour, but his mind feels like it hasn’t rested at all, images flashing through faster than he can sort.

Sungyeol’s eyes are tired and probably red, but he rubs at them anyways in an attempt to somewhat clarify things. He briefly wonders where absolutely everything went wrong.

-

Sometimes it’s a harsh voice, icey and noxious, stabbing at Myungsoo with words never meant for him to hear. Other times is a voice that’s thick and sweet like honey, telling him precious lies that churn his stomach and make him want to vomit. Never is it the voice he wants to hear the most. At one point, he thought he was going to die, but the thought didn’t offer much entertainment as the Harsh Voice had said he wasn’t worth it. The Honey Voice said it was because he was important and needed, which sounded like hope at first, but it deflated quickly when Myungsoo came to the conclusion that neither voices could be trusted. At least he became certain that he would live, for now at least.

“You’re the reason this has all happened,” says the Harsh Voice, scrapping at something and Myungsoo can hear the metallic sound of it. “Everything was okay before you. There wasn’t a need for me for so long, we were all safe. He was safe. But you came. You came and you stirred things around him, made him weak and made those around him dangerous. We couldn’t let that happen.”

He doesn’t know what the Harsh Voice is talking about, Myungsoo hasn’t done anything. His own voice refuses to speak up in his defence though.

“I wish it could be the three of us again,” Harsh Voice says wistfully, “But it can’t. I have to include you now too, account for your safety. Such a hassle, really.”

Myungsoo wouldn't exactly call the position he’s currently in to be safe, he’s tied up, body worn and vision obscured in a completely foreign room. He doesn’t feel the least bit safe here. The Harsh Voice begins to continue his one-man conversation, ignoring Myungsoo’s silent concerns.

“You have to understand, princess. I had to do this, I had to take you away. He was getting too attached to you, unhealthily so. These types of things have to be done in moderation, you know? All your plans, your scheming and manipulating, it was working a little too well, more than what we agreed upon. You didn’t keep to your end of the deal, so this is your punishment. Learn well.”

Myungsoo swallows dryly. If this is his punishment, he wonders what kind of hell Sungyeol is going through.

-

The ramyun in Howon’s mouth tastes disgustingly sour, like it’s lost it’s appeal after he’s relied on it since he was in college and couldn’t afford anything else to keep his body going when he only had the budget of a middle-class, Busan-grown boy. He forces it down though, because he needs to eat and it’s all he has right now, the emptiness of his fridge constantly taunting him about the life he’s given up in order to cater to two-hundred patients in a hospital. It’s tiring, everything is, but he manages to put his pants on one leg at a time every morning.

He’s just about to head out for said job, until there’s a loud banging coming from his front door. Howon is precarious as always, looking through the peep hole and getting an eye full of Sungyeol. He looks like crap, like he’s been dragged through the depths of tartarus and back, only to be discarded on the devil’s front doorstep -- Howon’s front doorstep.

But, he can’t just leave Sungyeol out there, scaring his neighbors, so he pulls the latch open and lets the other in, Sungyeol’s eyes flicker everywhere and he looks small for once, it’s startling to Howon.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, tilting his head at the other as he closes the door and leads him more inward. “It’s really early.”

“Come to my place,” Sungyeol mumbles. “Right now. Sungjong’s there. I can’t stay there anymore -- here either, anywhere really.”

Howon’s eyes widen and his mouth opens to protest all that and ask Sungyeol just who the hell does he think he is, but there’s something pleading in the other’s tone, in the way he fumbles with his hands and bites his bottom lip so anxiously. He’s desperate.

“Please,” says Sungyeol, a hitch in his voice. “Just go there, please. Tell Sungjong I’m sorry -- for everything. There’s a key under the light fixture.”

“Woah, Sungyeol, what are you saying? Sorry? Sorry about what?” Howon’s hands come to brace Sungyeol’s shoulders and real concern has begun to sink in. What the fuck is Sungyeol saying to him right now?

“Everything. I just said it,” Sungyeol grumbles. He looks torn between taking a step back or leaning into Howon’s touch. He settles for standing completely still.

“Are you going somewhere? Are you leaving again?” Howon quickly asks, his words becoming more and more rushed. “Don’t be stupid Sungyeol, just talk to us. Let us understand, please--”

“I’m the one begging you right now,” Sungyeol interrupts, “Howon. Listen to me for once.”

And this time, he figures he’s the stupid one now. He lets Sungyeol go. A little too easily. But completely broken hearted. They were never super close, Howon wouldn’t call Sungyeol his best friend, but a friend, yes. He cares about him, he truly does. Sungyeol is someone who’s always been known to Howon as light, carefree, someone he could look to for jokes and playful jabs. Not this, not this insanity, this insistent prickling of concern and uselessness. Howon spends twenty hours a day handling two-hundred patients, but it’s Lee Sungyeol who makes him feel useless. How ironic.

Before Sungyeol leaves, he takes one hard look at Howon and mumbles softly, “I’m sorry.”

-

The sound of the clock is painfully loud in Sungyeol’s ears, but he ignores it as he pushes forward. He’s tried to make peace with everything, but maybe he still feels so unsettled because he hadn’t necessarily said goodbye to anyone.

It isn’t a goodbye, he reminds himself. He intends to come back.

-

Howon has never really been all that invested in the lives of the people surrounding him, only toeing into those things, listening but not really hearing anything. He’s practically clueless about everything, choosing only to process what Sunggyu has told him -- about Sungyeol, about Myungsoo, about everyone. Howon’s tight circle of friends hardly includes enough people to make a proper circle, it’s just really Sungjong. Of course, he’s always cared about the others, enjoyed their company, but that doesn’t compare to when he’s with Sungjong. There’s something different about that boy -- sturdiness, strength, something -- that causes Howon to be drawn like a moth to flame. He met Sungjong when he first was transferred to the institute, Sungjong was practically a fetus then, only volunteering because his elder sister was a full time doctor and he needed to waste time anywhere else but back alleys and shady corners. The years pushed them together, brought them closer when Howon dated his sister, they broke up eventually, when she died that is.

It’s painful, it truly is, whenever Howon has to look at Sungjong and face the ghost of his sister.

“He left, didn’t he,” Sungjong asks, nothing more but a hollow shell and Howon has to watch as the wind passes right through him. He doesn’t answer Sungjong, only because there isn’t anything to answer, of course Sungyeol has left, his apartment is empty and he’s said his farewells. Howon finds himself staring idly at the little lego figures Sungyeol has decorating his television shelf, he remembers when Dongwoo had bought them because Sungyeol’s apartment had just seemed so lonely. It’s lonelier still, nothing but the sound of Sungjong breathing in and out in laboured breaths, crying most likely.

“He said sorry,” Howon says to fill the empty space between them, afraid that he might just get consumed in it. Sungjong wipes uselessly at his face, tears streaming down almost child-like and Howon is reminded of just how much younger the other really is. He’s an adult now, but Howon will always see him as the little brother. “Let’s go, it smells here.”

-

His eyes so badly want to give in, to flutter shut and allow his brain rest, but Myungsoo fights against it, the Honey Voice speaking softly to him this time.

“Oh, princess. We’ll have so much fun in the future. Can you imagine it? Being happy?” Honey Voice asks, a hand reaches down to ruffle Myungsoo’s hair. The sickly sweet contact makes him retch.

“That isn’t very nice, you know? You should be excited that I’m here to visit you.”

He lets out a puff of breath in the form of a scoff. Myungsoo can’t find it in him to be excited about any of this.

“You’re a lot more bold around me, I guess that’s a good thing. You’re comfortable, right? With me?” The Honey Voice coos and then Myungsoo can hear them stand to leave. “Go to sleep. When you wake up, you won’t be here anymore.”

Like a command, Myungsoo’s brain begins to shut down, he can feel the exhaustion finally consume him after spending hours just creeping around. He doesn’t want to sleep, but he can’t help the drowsiness as it takes him over, the sound of the Honey Voice has completely left, he knows he’s finally alone, but it just makes his skin prick even more. Myungsoo can’t bear the weight of being alone, but sleep is just seconds away and it drowns him in a flood.

True to their word, when Myungsoo’s eyes open next, he’s outside, sunlight hitting him hard and the heat sinks into his skin like a bite. He swallows thickly, throat dry and lips cracked, his body suddenly swaying forward as someone lifts him. It’s a male, someone he doesn’t know, but doesn’t care to find out, his brain is muddled, like he’s been drugged and the thought doesn’t leave his mind until he’s brought inside the nearest building. The room is cool and soothes Myungsoo’s red skin, the black of his clothes had absorbed too much and he regrets it but doesn’t truly mind. The sweater he’s in belongs to Sungyeol after all.

“Take him to his room,” instructs a voice and it isn't harsh nor lathered in honey. It’s Jiyeon.

Of all the places to wind back up at.

It’s been years since Sungyeol’s known Myungsoo and even though most of him can be somewhat overwhelmed, he takes pride in being his best friend, knowing so many other would want the opportunity to be so. If only they really knew Myungsoo, then they’d probably be disinclined to spark conversation or offer their friendship so willingly, but it’s Myungsoo’s silence and cold stare that usually does the trick instead, driving them off before they even have a chance to realize that Myungsoo’s silence is nothing more than him being so nervous he can’t speak and his cold stare is simply his intensity to observe any and everything before him. So, Sungyeol likes that it’s Myungsoo who had attached to him first, though when they were younger he was much more reluctant to be the other’s friend, afraid Myungsoo would consume him with his long lasting gazes and bone crushing embraces. But, that’s just Myungsoo. He has the need to touch, to feel warm skin under his fingertips and to watch every muscle spasm with his own two eyes. Sungyeol’s had years to adjust, to understand his friend and return every gesture when needed, whenever Myungsoo has felt setbacks in his life or simply needed reassurance. Sungyeol understands Myungsoo just as much as he seems to understand himself, but it’s not as accurate as he would have originally thought when the day they stand idly in line at the coffee shop happens.

He should have seen it coming, the arbitrary way Myungsoo had perched his chin on Sungyeol’s shoulder, complete innocence in his voice when he announced that he was gay. Sungyeol had stuttered at the sudden news, but the lady at the counter had called for whoever was next in line and he really had to get his order in if he wanted the coffee to pull himself together for the cram study sessions he planned to have with Woohyun later that evening. Myungsoo’s sexuality would have to wait.

It doesn’t take long though, maybe a whole half week before Sungyeol’s pressed with his back against the wall of an empty science class, Myungsoo choking around his dick. Part of him knows it’s wrong, but another part of him is so turned on by the aspect of wrong, that he only shudders and bucks his hips forward, fucking harder into Myungsoo’s mouth than he would voluntarily do so. There’s tears pricking around the red corners of Myungsoo’s eyes, but he doesn’t seem to care, not when he corkscrews his way down on Sungyeol again, the back of his throat pressing dangerously to the tip of Sungyeol’s cock. He lets out a broken sob because his best friend is deep throating him and they’re practically in public, anyone could walk into the empty class, not knowing what was going on inside. But Sungyeol gets a perverse pleasure in the thought, he can’t figure out if he does want someone to walk in on them or not. His brain stops processing thoughts once he catches Myungsoo with his hand down his pants, getting himself off to sucking Sungyeol’s dick and that causes his eyes to roll back as his vision goes white and the hand he has in Myungsoo’s hair tugs so hard that Myungsoo’s mouth slides off his cock with a loud pop and Sungyeol shoots all over his best friend’s cheek.

Myungsoo is a giggling mess when he comes, a strange sound that’s mixed with laughter and moans of pleasure (and Sungyeol’s name) as he strokes out his orgasm, trembling while resting his cum covered cheek on Sungyeol’s bare thigh. It’s gross, but somehow Sungyeol can’t find the energy in his hand to push Myungsoo away, instead he slumps down until he’s face to face with Myungsoo, blaming the current string of events on how he tenderly cards his hand into Myungsoo’s hair. The other smiles at him, that bright childish smile that Sungyeol’s always thought made him look ten years younger, it’s dirty.

For a while, they do things of that nature. Sungyeol isn’t gay, he tells himself. Myungsoo is, he most definitely is, especially when he’s straddling the other’s lap, panting in a voice much too husky to be his own as he begs for Sungyeol to fuck his fingers into him. This isn’t the Myungsoo that Sungyeol is accustomed to (it still is Myungsoo on some level, the actual dork who is endearing and positively smitten with the idea of cuddling any object or being that emits warmth), but it’s the sex that drives him, that makes him want and want and want. He’s a little inexperienced in this category, yes, he’s had sex before, plenty of times with past girlfriends, but Myungsoo’s a little different though -- he’s a lot different.

The two obviously still do regular things when in each other’s company, bickering and video game playing and occasionally studying. Myungsoo calls it friends with benefits, but for the most part Sungyeol is unsure of who is actually benefiting who, because Myungsoo seems to do most of the work, always touching and making Sungyeol feel good. He wants to return the favor, but he isn’t sure how. Sungyeol doesn’t know how to touch other boys, he doesn’t know where he should place his hands aside from Myungsoo’s hair or arms because those are familiar spots to him. A part of him -- the part that remains confused and ignorant -- tells him it’s disgusting, to want to touch Myungsoo back, to make him feel just as good as he makes Sungyeol feel. It’s a new sort of overwhelming that Myungsoo causes in him.

---

“Fuck,” Myungsoo sighs out heavily, sinking down on Sungyeol’s cock. He’s faced away from him, back being bared as Sungyeol’s eyes scan every inch of his sweat covered skin, temptation calling for him to run his tongue along the sharp lines of Myungsoo’s shoulder blades. He’s riding Sungyeol, grinding down hard on his cock, ass faced towards the other because he knows just how much Sungyeol loves to stare at it. He’s pacing himself -- somewhat -- moving at a speed he knows isn’t enough for Sungyeol, for himself. They’ve only just started, foreplay having been Myungsoo dressed ridiculously as a cat and Sungyeol leashing him, demanding Myungsoo to do humiliating tasks while sweetly peppering him with kisses, the only true weakness Sungyeol has if he were to really have one, because to Myungsoo -- he’s perfect.

Sungyeol seems to have enough at some point, teeth grinding when he firmly grasps Myungsoo’s shoulder, rising, shoving the other down face first onto the mattress. It’s just on the line between rough and too rough, but Myungsoo likes it, revels in the feeling of whenever Sungyeol takes control.

He fucks him like that, a hand on Myungsoo’s shoulder, the other on his waist, directing his thrusts deep into him as Myungsoo arches his back and tries desperately to keep in synch with Sungyeol.

It’s almost insistent, the way Sungyeol needs to keep his hands on Myungsoo, as if he were to let go then the other would simply slip away from his reach. It’s laughable to Myungsoo, who has always been the one clinging and wanting to constantly be besides Sungyeol, to feel his warmth and sturdiness. Sungyeol is a mess, leaning forward to press his chest against Myungsoo’s back, kissing his neck softly, letting out a fluttery breath when he comes, biting down hard enough on his own lip to draw blood. Myungsoo hasn’t had time to come yet, because he isn’t selfish like Sungyeol, but the other whispers softly in his ear, arms shaky as he turns Myungsoo over, flips him on his back. “Sorry,” he says in a low voice, gentle but still raw from his orgasm. Sungyeol kisses Myungsoo, insistently, as if drawing in every breath Myungsoo has to offer.

When Myungsoo comes, it’s because Sungyeol has his mouth hot against his collar bones, teeth lightly scraping them as his hand pumps Myungsoo’s cock, long fingers cool and soothing in a way that only makes Myungsoo’s skin flush hotter. It’s gentle almost, the way Sungyeol always seems to touch Myungsoo, afraid he’ll break the other when it’s always been Sungyeol who has been fragile. He fucks Myungsoo with an intense heat, but makes love to him in a way so tender and compassionate -- Myungsoo would think the other was absolutely besotted with him.

They started out shaky, Sungyeol unsure and sometimes too smothered by Myungsoo’s stares, by his overwhelming desire of filling the air around him with Sungyeol. Back then, Sungyeol was oblivious -- more so than now -- to just about everything. He had walked around as if he did know everything though, grinning proudly at the fact that he had cracked a smile onto Myungsoo’s face. He hadn’t even had to try hard, because Myungsoo smiles easily, laughter and amusement come second nature to Myungsoo who finds so much delight in every little thing. It wasn’t really Sungyeol’s jokes or his silly antics that drew Myungsoo in, it was rather his abrasiveness, how blunt and crass he could be when no one seemed to be looking. Sungyeol wasn’t someone to offer kindness easily -- he was kind, of course -- it was just a thing that someone really had to work at. Myungsoo hadn’t even had to lift a finger though, Sungyeol seeming to lift it for him instead. Their friendship was strange, to say the least, at least to Myungsoo, who could not, for the life of him, understand why Sungyeol even wanted to be his friend. It was borderline breakable when Myungsoo became attracted to Sungyeol, even worse when the sexual frustration melted away and all Myungsoo was left with was a searing fondness for Sungyeol. All the things he felt for Sungyeol only seemed to amplify into something much more large and enigmatic, an emotion that Myungsoo was still unfamiliar with.

He’s always let his emotions control him though, take the wheel and steer him any which way, so it isn’t a surprise when he whines softly in Sungyeol’s arms, adoration literally bleeding from the other as he kisses Myungsoo deep and tender, drawing out all the affection that rests in the pits of Myungsoo’s stomach. It rolls off easily, almost naturally when Myungsoo gasps out the words.

“I love you.”

---

“What if I had never met you?” Sungyeol asks, voice faint and nearly a whisper. Myungsoo is curled by his side, yawning as he seems to succumb to the lullaby of sleep. They abandoned the idea of building their own dragon shaped kite when Myungsoo had pounced on Sungyeol’s lap, forcing the other to use the kite string as a form of bondage when Myungsoo wouldn’t stop teasing Sungyeol with trashy dialogue like they were in some porno. Sometimes, Sungyeol fears if he just let’s Myungsoo do as he pleased all the time, the two would get too absorbed in each other and lose sight of all else. He’s afraid that they’d just sink into an empty void, nothing but each other to fuel the other’s existence and it’s frightening because Sungyeol wants that more than he’s comfortable with. A life of nothing but Myungsoo is the sweetest calling he’s ever heard, but he’d be abandoning any other possible futures.

“You’d probably be prowling around like a zombie,” replies Myungsoo in a drowsy voice, eyes hooded and heavy. Sungyeol brushes his bangs back to get a better view of Myungsoo’s face. “You’d also be married to some girl with long black hair and a great ass, she’d be hot, like me.”

Sungyeol lets out a snort because Myungsoo is so full of himself, but the fingers that fiddle in his hair are light and playful, indulgent almost as he smiles wide. “She wouldn’t be as kinky as you. She’d be sweeter too and smell nicer.”

“Excuse you, but I smell like roses and all things good in the world.” Myungsoo lazily rolls over and faces Sungyeol, blinking blearily at him in what is supposed to be an incriminating glare. He’s cute, Sungyeol thinks Myungsoo is nothing but cute. “Besides, you’re the one who tied me up earlier.”

“You enjoyed it,” Sungyeol says with a sort of giggly smirk, his face can’t seem to decide which to express. Instinctively, he leans down to kiss Myungsoo, and naturally the other kisses back.

---

They’re a little drunk when Myungsoo suggests it and Sungyeol is flushed down the bone, eyes refusing to look up at Myungsoo’s eager expression. Myungsoo doesn’t particularly want to do it, but the possessive side of him wants to own all of Sungyeol, to mark him in a way that no girl before him could have ever done so. He tells Sungyeol it’s for fun, a kink, something he really wants to do because it’ll make him feel good -- make them both feel good. Sungyeol agrees almost too easily, even more pliant when he isn’t sober.

It’s dirty, Myungsoo knows, but he doesn’t care, not when Sungyeol is so flustered and the only thing that he seems to completely be able to comprehend is Myungsoo as he calls his name out over and over in repeat. They’re in the bathroom of the bar, it’s fucking filthy here, but Myungsoo wants this so badly, much more than he had moments ago when the idea had simply flitted across his mind. His hands grip Sungyeol’s dainty hips and he presses his chest right up against Sungyeol’s, mouthing hotly at the beauty marks sprinkled on the taller male’s skin.

He fucks Sungyeol that night in a bathroom stall of the bar, people shuffle in and out and if they suspect anything, no one calls them out on what they’re doing. Sungyeol’s voice is harsh when Myungsoo tips his hips forward, fucking into him and savoring the feeling, the possessive demand telling Myungsoo moremoremore. Sungyeol is a wrecked mess, more than anything Myungsoo has seen before, clawing at his back and trying desperately to hold his cries in, sweat making his bangs cling to his forehead and face twisted in pleasure. Myungsoo thinks this is the pinnacle of Sungyeol’s beauty and he falls in love with Sungyeol for what he can only assume is the hundredth time.

---

Sungyeol met his first love when he was in high school. She was older, about five years so, already in college and dating someone else. It ended badly, but he doesn’t regret it, she treated him fairly, acknowledged his feelings and turned him down respectfully. She wasn’t his only love, not when he started college and met other girls, girls he dated and slept with, ones he can remember with his eyes closed and others he can barely even recall at all. That was a long time ago, when he was just friends with Myungsoo, when they spent nights playing games and scheming pranks to pull on their other friends, when Sungyeol was aloof and ignorant still. Such a long time ago.

Now, it’s almost like a distant dream, Sungyeol’s head poking out from behind Myungsoo as he rims him, tongue lapping at the sensitive spot where his fingers were moments ago, deep inside of Myungsoo. The younger male whines, feeling strange and yet pleased -- most likely -- and Sungyeol digs his nails into the soft flesh of Myungsoo’s ass. It’s a little funny, he thinks, because just a couple years ago he was exclusively fucking females and here he is literally eating a dude’s ass.

Myungsoo’s clutching the sheets underneath him, leaning slightly into Sungyeol’s touch and he’s loud, but he’s always been extremely vocal whenever Sungyeol seems to make him feel good. This time, he doesn’t really mean to have sex with Myungsoo in this position, leaning over him as Myungsoo wraps his legs around Sungyeol’s waist to pull him closer. It’s boring and Sungyeol can only go into a certain length, but it’s still invigorating -- still hot and good. Myungsoo doesn’t seem to mind, only dragging Sungyeol closer, always, always, closer. Their chest press against each other and stick through their sweat, a slick feeling as Sungyeol fucks into Myungsoo with shallow, quick thrusts, searching for Myungsoo’s lips. There’s a certain proximity to this, so much skin on skin and it’s a little more intimate, something akin to making love and that thought alone is enough to cause a warmth to burst within Sungyeol’s chest as he cries out Myungsoo’s name when he comes inside him. The other seems to follow right after, a usual aspect of their time together -- Sungyeol leading and Myungsoo trailing right after him.

His cheeks are flushed and his hair is draping over his eyes in damp clumps, without a second thought, Sungyeol brushes his bangs away to stare at him, taking in the sight of Myungsoo’s post-orgasm glow. His best friend has always been attractive, but Sungyeol feels it more than ever when he kisses Myungsoo again, slow and sloppy, but warm and eager all the same. It’s a little late, but Sungyeol has always figured he had time, that Myungsoo would give him time. He’s selfish and a coward, and most importantly greedy, so it’s a wonder how Myungsoo could ever love someone like him. But, he supposes that there’s a fault in everything, Myungsoo’s happens to be that. Sungyeol’s holding Myungsoo in his arms and kissing him even more when he finally says it, but only because he truly feels it.

It all happens on a Wednesday, which also happens to be Sanghyuk’s birthday.

Before that though, is The Fight. The big one where Sanghyuk feels like he’s exploding and letting out years of pent up feelings, except only a small fraction of those feelings are actually blurted out as Sanghyuk stands his ground in front of Taekwoon. He’s never actually argued with this hyung in particular, they walk on eggshells usually when the air becomes too thick between them – like when they had barely met for the first time and Sanghyuk had no idea what he was going to do if he had to debut with Taekwoon of all the trainees lined up beside him. None of that hadn’t mattered for a long time though, not when they had cleared up most of the black muck that stuck to them whenever they had to be in the same room. Sanghyuk liked the direction of their relationship, it had gotten slightly more strong in the last few years, he didn’t think it could become any less from there on out.

It’s Taekwoon with the problem though.

“I’m not five,” Sanghyuk says with a snap. It’s the beginning of The Fight. “Leave me alone.” He purposely omits the ‘hyung’ because he wants to assert very well that he can stand on level grounding with Taekwoon if he wanted too, hell, he’s taller than the other now too. Sanghyuk’s arms are folded where he’s standing, a spilled box of cereal at his feet and it’s so ridiculous, all of it is, but Sanghyuk isn’t thinking it is right now. All he can think about is how annoying Taekwoon is.

“Hyuk-ah,” he starts, tone light and no where near as heated as Sanghyuk’s. Taekwoon stretches out a hand to grab at the other’s shoulder, but Sanghyuk smoothly takes a step back from Taekwoon’s grasp. “I know you’re not five–”

“Then don’t treat me like I am,” Sanghyuk grumbles, his socked feet now soaking up the little pool of milk that had formed when he dropped his bowl. The feeling is absolutely gross, but Sanghyuk does his best to ignore it and remain stagnant. “I can get my own cereal.”

Taekwoon looks like he’s about to speak again, but his eyes flicker downwards at Sanghyuk’s feet and fuck, Sanghyuk is thoroughly ticked now. He moves over to one of the kitchen drawers and pulls open the one Sanghyuk knew he was going to reach for. Taekwoon takes out a dishrag and makes for the spilled milk, but Sanghyuk kicks at his hands. He’s miffed, he wants Taekwoon to stop acting like a parent to him, it’s ridiculous, Sanghyuk is not fucking five years old.

It ends pretty anti-climactic, but Taekwoon does retaliate, an angry hand shooting out to grip Sanghyuk’s ankle, a furrowed brow on his hyung’s face as he punctuates every word out of his mouth with poisonous daggers, “You can’t do anything.”

That’s The Fight. Hongbin scurries in moments later, before Sanghyuk can kick Taekwoon in the face, with Hakyeon in tow and the two members immediately work to separate Sanghyuk and Taekwoon. Hongbin cleans up the mess because somehow he always winds up being the one to do it anyways and Hakyeon drags Taekwoon away to their room, while Sanghyuk fumes off to his own. Wonshik and Jaehwan are in the studio today, so Sanghyuk lets out a muffled scream into his pillow, flopping hard onto the floor where his blankets are folded and stacked. That was a fucking low hit, Sanghyuk can feel how hot the blood in his veins is from it. He knows it can mean just about anything, maybe Taekwoon is particular about the way Sanghyuk must pour his cereal, or rather – as Sanghyuk takes it – Taekwoon is directing his words towards Sanghyuk’s sheer lack of talent where the other exceeds. A part of him wants to believe Taekwoon didn’t mean it like that, but the way he said it, voice sick and tired, makes Sanghyuk thinks it’s the latter of the two. His mood gets even more sour from the thought.

It hurts more than when they were trainees and Sanghyuk had just sort of thought that was the way Taekwoon (and maybe a few others) had felt about him, but no one ever voiced it, no one ever said anything the way Taekwoon had said Sanghyuk can’t do anything. It boils in him even more, so much he can feel angry tears prickle in the corners of his eyes. Sanghyuk hadn’t even meant to get mad at Taekwoon in the first place, he was mostly feeling smothered, annoyed, pressured because Sanghyuk was twenty years old, going on twenty-one in just a few weeks. But here was Jung Taekwoon, coming in to scold him about his cereal, trying to do it for him and crooning at him like he was a child, a fucking baby. It had just set the top off the pot for Sanghyuk, steam no longer able to be contained.

And then comes along his birthday, he’s still pretty miffed with Taekwoon, but it’s not so bad, not when Jaehwan comes to the practice room with contraband soju he took from their manager’s room when the other wasn’t looking. They squeeze into Wonshik’s tiny studio and usually when they’re all piled together like this, no one really questions it, just brushes it off as them goofing around or actually working – it’s mostly the first one.

“Happy birthday,” Jaehwan says with a little giggle, tipping forward one of the two soju bottles he managed to snag as Sanghyuk is taking a sip. He chokes a bit and some of it spills down his chin as he can’t manage it all down, he shoves Jaehwan afterwards but he’s giggling too.

Sanghyuk’s had soju before, way before he was even of legal age, but it feels a little more free this way, shoved into what’s basically a closet with his bandmates, closing themselves off to everything else just to spend a moment to act their age. He remembers last year when Hakyeon had shrieked about letting Sanghyuk drink, but after a few himself, the buzzed part of his brain thought it would be fun for everyone to play drinking games and Sanghyuk will never forget the hangover he suffered the next day from it. This year, Hakyeon’s still a little hesitant, but he looks a little too eager as he takes the bottle from Sanghyuk and takes a huge gulp himself. The bottle gets passed around them until it’s Taekwoon holding the translucent green neck in his hand, a stalled expression on his face.

Hongbin raises an eyebrow, “You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

And of course, it’s Jaehwan who snorts and pushes eagerly at Taekwoon’s hand. “No, you have to. It’s Hyuk’s birthday. Don’t be a party pooper or else we’ll have to extract your invitation.”

Sanghyuk scrunches his face at Jaehwan. Who even invited Taekwoon to their little closet birthday celebration? Doesn’t everyone know that Sanghyuk is still pretending the other is nothing but empty space anyways? Taekwoon still has not apologized for what he said (and hell if Sanghyuk is going to apologize for anything) and it’s when he’s about to set the bottle down to stand and leave their little party is when Sanghyuk gets the brilliant idea of how to get Taekwoon to apologize for being, well, himself.

“Hyung,” he starts off with and that stops Taekwoon right in his tracks. Sanghyuk hasn’t addressed him since The Fight. It’s a cheap shot, but Sanghyuk is pretty sure – or at least he thinks – Taekwoon wants to reconcile, he’s just as stubborn as Sanghyuk though (and a huge part of Sanghyuk doesn’t want to make up with Taekwoon anyways, he isn’t sure he’ll ever let what the other said escape the back of his mind). “Just a drink,” he says with a slight whine that gets everyone’s attention.

Taekwoon fumbles for a moment after that, unsure of what to do, unsure of what Sanghyuk is trying to do. But he settles back down quickly enough to continue holding the bottle of soju, breath fanning the rim before he takes a tentative sip. It isn’t a lot, but Sanghyuk doesn’t care, it doesn’t take much for Taekwoon anyways. They resume passing the bottle around, Hakyeon trying for bigger gulps, but when it lands on Taekwoon again, Sanghyuk urges him to drink once more. Everyone knows what he’s doing by the third round, a tenseness has settled in their little circle and Wonshik looks more nervous than Sanghyuk’s known him for, but he honestly could care less, it’s just him, Taekwoon and the alcohol in the room right now. By the sixth round, everyone is pleasantly buzzed except Taekwoon who is beginning to sway in his spot in between Hakyeon and Hongbin. Sanghyuk shoves the nearly empty bottle into Taekwoon’s hand this time, skipping those in turn after him and he grins a little deviously, “Finish the rest of this, please hyung.”

It’s against his better judgement, everyone knows it is, but Taekwoon takes it, the bottle almost clumsily slips out of his fingers, but Sanghyuk’s own are on his, warm and a little too eager as Taekwoon chugs the rest of the burning liquid down his throat.

“We should go now,” Wonshik announces suddenly, “We’re probably being looked for.”

Sanghyuk hears him, but doesn’t acknowledge it as he watches Taekwoon’s adam’s apple bob to the final swallow, his eyes completely trained on the motion. Hongbin clears his throat rather loudly. “Yeah, c’mon Hyuk, I got your present back at the dorm.” Sanghyuk doesn’t fall for the bait, whatever it is Hongbin has (or doesn’t have) for him can wait, because Sanghyuk’s got a drunk Taekwoon and an opportunity he isn’t going to let slip from his hands. The others however, can practically feel the danger emiting from the situation and it is with Jaehwan’s insistent need to get the hell out of there that forces everyone to go on ahead. Hakyeon manages to squint very hawk-like at Sanghyuk before he steps out though. “Play nice,” he slurs, his own inhibitions clouded by the alcohol and Sanghyuk lets out a snort. Sure, he’ll definitely play nice.

Hakyeon probably wants them to make up or something,Taekwoon probably cried to him about Sanghyuk being a petulant child (on some scale he knows he was acting like one, but he is petulant and he isn’t going to admit to it), but all Sanghyuk wants to do is humiliate Taekwoon and make him apologize. Truthfully, he’d rather Taekwoon choke on his own words and feel as bad as Sanghyuk had felt when he heard them, but there’s only so much Sanghyuk is willing to do when he knows that Taekwoon really is sorry (he doesn’t have to say it, he never does, his actions have always spoken for him and these last few weeks had proven it, but Sanghyuk wants more than shy offerings and made up excuses). Sanghyuk needs to hear it, needs Taekwoon to beg for Sanghyuk’s forgiveness, and he isn’t ever going to do that sober.

“Hyogi,” Taekwoon mumbles, using the usual endearing way to call Sanghyuk’s name whenever they find the maknae to be cute or playful, except Sanghyuk is well aware that Taekwoon views him as cute and playful all the time. He tries to lift himself up off the floor, but all it takes is a weak hand from Sanghyuk to push him back down and Taekwoon stays seated. “Where did the others go?”

“Home. We can catch up later,” Sanghyuk says easily, switching to informal speech. Taekwoon would chop his neck and send a glare if his mind wasn’t muddled with the amount of soju he’s consumed in the last hour. Such a lightweight.

Taekwoon looks like he wants to protest to that, as if his mind is still properly functioning and it’s alerting him that little shit maknae Han Sanghyuk is going to make him jump through hoops before he’ll be allowed to go back to the dorms and fall asleep tonight. It’s partially true, but Sanghyuk feigns all sorts of innocence as he looks up at Taekwoon with wide, clear eyes.

“Are you sorry yet?” Sanghyuk asks, voice soft, but tone very unforgiving.

He watches with intense interest as Taekwoon seems to fumble around with his words, dropping his head up and down from his hands, a nervous trait that Sanghyuk has the patience to wait through for an answer. He can tell how the anxiety is hitting Taekwoon, his ears are pink and Sanghyuk knows full well how Taekwoon hates confrontation. Good, he wants him to be as uncomfortable as possible through this. “Yes,” comes the response, Taekwoon blinking slowly at his open palms.

“Say it,” demands Sanghyuk, very haughtily. He leans in closer and Taekwoon looks small this way, smaller than usual in comparison to how big Sanghyuk just is now. “Tell me you’re sorry.”

“…I’m sorry,” mumbles Taekwoon and his eyes flutter shut, trying to block out Sanghyuk completely from his vision.

“Louder,” Sanghyuk says, tone hard. “I can’t hear you.”

“I’m…I’m sorry,” Taekwoon repeats. His hands are trembling slightly and Sanghyuk is only just an arm’s length away, maybe even closer. Taekwoon sucks in a breath. “I’m really sorry,” he manages one last time before grabbing the collar of Sanghyuk’s shirt and pulling him to close the gap between the two, his eyes are still closed, but through his drunken endeavors he manages to smack his lips right against Sanghyuk’s, kissing him almost insistently as if it’s the only thing that’ll keep him going through this.

Naturally, Sanghyuk’s body reacts by trying to pull away, but Taekwoon’s hold on him is too strong. He’s taken aback, this wasn’t supposed to happen, he wanted to make Taekwoon feel like shit and apologize, not make out with him. That’s exactly what happens though when the panic never fully settles and instead the pleasant burning from the soju starts to swirl in Sanghyuk’s stomach again as he tastes it on Taekwoon’s lips when he kisses back. Taekwoon is really drunk. Sanghyuk must be too.

“Hyogi,” he mumbles when his lips separate and Sanghyuk’s mouth opens to follow his, tongues brushing against each other and Taekwoon lets out a moanand Sanghyuk’s never heard anything like the sound of it before and he shudders in Taekwoon’s arms. It’s the alcohol, it’s definitely the alcohol because as inexperienced as Sanghyuk is at this, he finds himself kissing back a little too desperately, Taekwoon letting him take the lead and whining softly in Sanghyuk’s mouth with such urgency that Sanghyuk will be questioning why he didn’t seem to notice at first how hard his hyung was becoming in his jeans. It’s the alcohol, it has to be.

It’s sort of weird, Sanghyuk discovers moments later when Taekwoon lets out a broken sob as Sanghyuk palms him through the rough fabric of his jeans that only seem to get tighter and tighter as Sanghyuk rubs slow circles. He’s only lazily kissing Taekwoon now, all his interest put into watching the aroused expressions that splay across his hyung’s face, Taekwoon looking more and more unraveled than he usually would when drunk. Sanghyuk can feel his own erection begin to form and he swallows thickly, letting out a shuddering breath as Taekwoon moves his hands down the expanse of Sanghyuk’s back and he can feel the blood rush to his cheeks and then down south to his dick. He tells himself again it’s the alcohol making him feel so affected and not the large, familiar hands that have always grabbed softly at the back of his neck or ruffled condescendingly through his hair.

When Taekwoon comes, it’s with a very soft and fluttery voice, his eyes squeeze shut and his lips tremble while his hold on Sanghyuk only tightens. Sanghyuk solely watches with arrested interest, feeling himself flush from watching his hyung orgasm because of him. He kisses Taekwoon again, because he figures he can and Taekwoon kisses back, that neediness never seeming to have left even as Taekwoon begins to finish off. As soon as their lips separate again though, Sanghyuk pushes himself off of Taekwoon, embarrassment and other things flooding him and he runs, he fucking runs.

“You’re late,” Wonshik says when Sanghyuk throws himself down on his usual pile of blankets, face covered and hard on buried within the covers. “You two didn’t have another spat, right?”

Sanghyuk mumbles a reply, something like “no”, but he isn’t sure because his mind is still running wild with images and replaying sounds that he was never supposed to hear from any of his bandmembers – specifically Taekwoon. He can’t stop the erratic thumping of his heart either, but he tries hard to breath through his nose, to even himself out and sleep doesn’t find him as easily as it usually would, but Sanghyuk fights any and all urges to rush into the bathroom and lock himself in there, because he cannot let himself get off to the thought of Taekwoon’s face when he comes.

Awkward, however is not a word that Sanghyuk is familiar with – Hongbin maybe is – but not Sanghyuk. The next day is simple, he wakes up, tells himself to not think about it and that’s what he does. He sees Taekwoon leaning sleepily against the kitchen counter in the morning, first thing to boot, but Sanghyuk isn’t deterred as he breezes past him and grabs for a bowl in one of the cabinets. Taekwoon doesn’t move either, stony faced as ever as he sips slowly from his mug of warm coffee, Sanghyuk avoids looking at the way his adam’s apple bobs. The other seems okay, so Sanghyuk decides he is okay too. Maybe Taekwoon was too drunk to remember, maybe he left the studio feeling weird in his pants and figured he had a wet dream. Maybe Sanghyuk can get over himself and stop being a five year old child. Maybe.

It’s anti-climactic again and Sanghyuk is beginning to suspect that maybe everything with Taekwoon is going to be this way, but it isn’t like he minds exactly. Sanghyuk may enjoy arguments and having excitement in life, but with Taekwoon it’s usually the opposite and if Sanghyuk would agree on one thing with the elder, it’s that they both seem to work better when they both act like everything is okay between them. Ignorance is bliss, Sanghyuk tells himself when Taekwoon smiles softly at him, a usual smile, a half-awake smile and Sanghyuk smiles back.

Later that day, Hongbin does hand him a present, it’s a new video game that Sanghyuk’s been wanting for a while and he’s pleased as punch to get to kick both Hongbin and Jaehwan’s asses for a few hours before schedules start and everyone seems to be fine, hardly affected by last night’s drinking and whatever else that happened. It’s a mundane day, to Sanghyuk at least (while he pretends), practicing and sweating and dropping to the floor when Hakyeon calls for a break. Hongbin hands him a water bottle and Sanghyuk struggles between drinking it all in one go or dumping it all over his face, the summer heat is hell.

“When are they gonna get the AC fixed,” mumbles Jaehwan as he rolls beside Sanghyuk. “Don’t they know we’re dying in here?”

“I’m sure they know,” Hongbin says, sighing and glancing down at Sanghyuk. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk replies with, truthfully. He hasn’t been thinking about what happened last night, not really, maybe a little, possibly all day. He pushes himself to sit up, palms pressed to the floor, “I gotta go to the bathroom.”

He doesn’t notice the way Taekwoon’s eyes are following him as he leaves, because he’s too wired up from the invisible weight sitting on his shoulders and he definitely doesn’t notice the way Taekwoon does that thing where he just seems to silently slip away from the others. It isn’t until Sanghyuk’s in the bathroom, door unlocked and opened just a crack as he splashes his face with cold water, feeling just slightly relieved from the contrast of how hot his face was feeling moments ago. He’s twenty-one today, he realizes belatedly, even more of an adult than last year, but he still feels like a child, it’s ridiculous. Just a few weeks ago he was demanding Taekwoon to stop treating him as such, but the way he ran away last night seems to remind him that he still has a lot of growing up to do. What was he even supposed to do in that situation though? Surely some line had been crossed, something had been pushed or pulled, either way, Sanghyuk had to figure out what the hell to do before things got too pressurized again and he’d either explode in front of everyone or implode without a single sound.

“Hyuk-ah,” comes the soft voice behind him, Sanghyuk didn’t even notice the door open. “We need to talk.”

“Hyung,” he mumbles, turning around slightly to face the other, it’s Taekwoon with his expression soft and laid out carefully, as if he came here with some kind of elaborate plan before approaching Sanghyuk. “Talk about what?”

Taekwoon looks unimpressed, but then again he always does and Sanghyuk curses inwardly. He needs to play this cool. So, Sanghyuk clears his throat and returns to staring at his reflection in the mirror, “We don’t have to talk about anything really. I mean, it’s fine now, we talked last night, remember? You apologized and we’re fine now, really.”

The other’s expression doesn’t change and before Sanghyuk even gets a chance to protest, Taekwoon is closing the door behind him, encasing him and Sanghyuk in the cramped bathroom and there’s the click of the lock before Taekwoon’s hands are cupping his cheeks and his eyes are intense when he leans forward and it’s the last thing Sanghyuk sees before Taekwoon’s lips are on his in an instant and Sanghyuk melts. Kissing Taekwoon sober feels a thousand times better than kissing Taekwoon drunk. The other isn’t as urgent as he was the night before, but softer and more aware, like this time he knows what he’s doing. He manages to ease Sanghyuk into opening his mouth again, this time it’s Taekwoon taking the lead, running his tongue through Sanghyuk’s teeth, exploring, and he’s a lot closer this time too, his chest brushing Sanghyuk’s and the younger male feels like his stomach has dropped all the way to his knees.

Sanghyuk sighs when Taekwoon pulls away, but his hands remain on his face, his thumbs rubbing slow circles at the corners of Sanghyuk’s eyes. Of course, Sanghyuk is still a little surprised (more so at himself for how badly he wanted that, to be kissed and to be acknowledged by Taekwoon in this aspect) but he doesn’t want to argue about it really, if kissing is Taekwoon’s way of talking about things then he’d rather accept that.

“We’ve only got a few more minutes,” Taekwoon says softly, barely above a whisper as his lips brush against Sanghyuk’s ear. “Think you can contain your voice?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t understand what he means by that, but he finds out soon enough when Taekwoon is down on his knees of all places, Sanghyuk’s cheeks flush incredibly fast as Taekwoon mouths at his growing erection through the fabric of his shorts, one of his hands snaking up his thigh to cup his ass. Sanghyuk’s voice is breathy and he tries really hard not to let out a moan, especially anything loud, because if anyone were to pass by they could easily hear him. Curse Taekwoon for choosing to do this right now of all times. He fails miserably though when Taekwoon pulls his shorts and underwear down to his thighs, hot breath fanning over his dick and the hand that isn’t grabbing his ass comes to wrap around the base of his cock and slowly Taekwoon pumps Sanghyuk and that’s when the sound just pours out of him. It apparently hasn’t occurred to Taekwoon that this is possibly the first time Sanghyuk has ever had anyone beside himself touch him there, so Sanghyuk suddenly becomes sensitive, the feeling of Taekwoon’s calloused hands so foreign but so goodthat Sanghyuk’s hips jerk forward into them almost hastily.

Taekwoon finds it amusing and chuckles softly, but it’s too quick for Sanghyuk to respond to, he wants to call Taekwoon an asshole for that one, a thought that usually almost never crosses his mind. For some reason, a sudden boldness seems to sprout forth within Sanghyuk whenever Taekwoon kisses him, he’s only got two examples right now but something tells him he’ll have more in the future.

It’s a little too much for his brain to handle right now though, for him to think about upcoming encounters when Taekwoon’s mouth wraps around the head of his cock and Sanghyuk fights the urge to just fuck into his hyung’s mouth right then and there. It’s Taekwoon’s hand that mostly stops him, finally removing itself from groping Sanghyuk to properly pin his hips back against the tiled walls, and slowly, very slowly, Taekwoon’s lips stretch more and more as he takes in more of Sanghyuk into his mouth. Sanghyuk feels like he’s died and gone to heaven or something, Taekwoon’s tongue is slightly rough as it slides down the length of his dick and he hums softly for effect, making Sanghyuk stutter out more obscene noises that he tries hard to cover up with his knuckles being pressed to this lips. Taekwoon’s hand at the base of Sanghyuk’s cock is still pumping, slowly as before, but his head bobs at a faster pace, his tongue laying flat and moving against the bottom of Sanghyuk’s cock before he pulls back, only the tip in his mouth still as he gives Sanghyuk one hard suck and then pulls off completely, a mixed trail of saliva and pre-come sticking between his lips and Sanghyuk’s dick.

“Fuck,” Sanghyuk groans out when he takes in the eyeful of Taekwoon, he can’t believe any of this is really happening right now. He’s locked in a bathroom with what is still typically his scary hyung, getting his first ever blowjob and just imagine – he was having a fight over cereal just a while back. Sanghyuk blinks with hazed eyes down at Taekwoon who only just smiles that small little smile at him and it seems a whole lot different than the one he received this morning – dirty, almost – it makes his dick twitch in Taekwoon’s hand and the other starts to stroke him faster now, dragging his long elegant fingers along the expanse of Sanghyuk and under all these sensitive spots Sanghyuk never even knew he had until Taekwoon had found them. It doesn’t take him long to climax after that, his hand fisting in his worn t-shirt while the other is shoved into his mouth to block whatever sound he lets rip out as Taekwoon drags out his orgasm with his hand.

It doesn’t occur to Sanghyuk until he blinks away the white spots and glances back down at Taekwoon and oh my god, he’s just come on his hyung’s cheek.

“Shit, I’m sorry–” Sanghyuk manages to start, but it’s kind of funny in this weird way that makes his stomach feel giddy and he ends up giggling about it, but Taekwoon is either amused or actually annoyed because his face is nothing but a glare as he looks up at Sanghyuk.

“We’re even now,” he says after a heartbeat, standing and grabbing a paper towel to start wiping his face with.

Sanghyuk blinks slowly at him, is that what this was? Getting even for last night when Sanghyuk had accidentally gotten Taekwoon off? Because that was all unintentional and up until now, Sanghyuk was pretty sure Taekwoon had either not remembered it or just simply brushed it off.

“Get out,” Taekwoon says softly, “Hakyeon’s going to be looking for you first.” It’s true, Hakyeon isn’t going to bother with looking for Taekwoon at least until they’re halfway back into practice and he suspects the other is skipping out. Sanghyuk could do without the command though, but he puts himself back together in record time, missing the door to his face as Taekwoon practically locks him out.

If awkward is not apart of Sanghyuk’s vocabulary, then neither is subtlety. A lot of words actually remain foreign to Sanghyuk. He spends the remainder of practice completely elated, much more worse than that is the fact that he cannot stop his eyes from flickering over to Taekwoon where they light up and he seems to burst into a fit of giggles. Hakyeon is thoroughly annoyed by the end of the day where he ends things early, going into another room to call their manager because he can’t be around a child. Which is so stupid because Sanghyuk knows Hakyeon treats him as such and because as soon as they finish up, it’s Jaehwan squealing with joy and talking in his kindergartener voice as he dances in celebration with his butt.

Back at the dorms, Sanghyuk seems to be filled with ease as he plays a few more rounds of the game Hongbin got him before happily going to bed at a reasonable time and sleeping without much problem, he hardly even snores that night. Wonshik is worried to death.

It happens again a few weeks later, of course it does, as if Sanghyuk was going to let it go that easily, to let this new found thing just slink away back into the dark. It isn’t as weird, because he reasons that the first time was the alcohol, the second time was repayment, and this time is because it’s hot as hell and Sanghyuk is a mixture of bored and turned on from thinking about the first two times. It’s ideal right now, no schedules for another few hours, the others are out attending to personal matters that Sanghyuk doesn’t care about enough to find out what and Taekwoon is in the living room monitoring one of their old performances. It’s like it was planned out, by who – Sanghyuk doesn’t know, maybe some deity who decided Sanghyuk needed a break from his right hand and whatever cheap looking porn he could find online. Taekwoon was much more better than all of that anyways.

It does at some point, strike Sanghyuk as a bit odd. Taekwoon doing these types of things – with Sanghyuk, the supposed baby – and just in general. Sanghyuk has never pegged Taekwoon as someone who would fuck without meaning, with the way he talks about love at first sight, with how Taekwoon looks like he could love someone with all of his heart and would only ever be devoted to one single person, eyes trained solely on them. But that isn’t what this is, or is going to be. This is an excuse for them to touch because they can’t really, not with another human being, not with sexual desire and just physical want. That’s what this is, a way to satisfy themselves because they needsomething to ground them when all this stress and anxiety starts to pull them into orbit and Sanghyuk apparently wants Taekwoon (or Taekwoon wants Sanghyuk, either way it’s convenient and Sanghyuk doesn’t care if either of them want who, as long as Sanghyuk has someone to get him off).

“What do you want?” Taekwoon asks carefully as soon as Sanghyuk is in his view, he’s barely looked up from his phone.

“A lot of things,” Sanghyuk answers simply enough, sitting down on the floor by Taekwoon’s face, looking at him almost puppy-like. “But most recently, you.” The words itself sound a bit silly on his tongue and he hopes he doesn’t come off as too bashful, asking this of Taekwoon when the other times seemed to have happened whether or not both parties fully agreed.

A few different things pass on Taekwoon’s face before he sighs, taking a moment to set his phone down and look passively at Sanghyuk, who still has a very puppy-esque look on his face. Taekwoon’s weakness, probably. He gives in without a fight, kissing Sanghyuk slowly, a little sweetly and Sanghyuk smiles in victory – Taekwoon is so easy, Sanghyuk doesn’t fully know if he likes being indulged this way, but he doesn’t care anymore, not when Taekwoon’s mouth is open and hot and willing and Sanghyuk kisses him like he hasn’t kissed anyone before.

It doesn’t stop at the third time, it happens more, any free moment they can get. Stuffed in bathrooms, closets, and anywhere really. Once when Wonshik and Hongbin were watching a movie in the living room and Taekwoon was stirring a pot of ramyun, Sanghyuk was daring then, as he always seems to be when it comes to kissing or fooling around with Taekwoon. They got as far as Taekwoon moaning out Sanghyuk’s name when Wonshik had asked offhandedly if they were getting into a fight in there. Sanghyuk burst into laughter while Taekwoon elbowed him in the ribs, ever the temperamental hyung.

“You two seem to actually be spending more time together,” says Wonshik one night when Sanghyuk is laying belly down on the floor of the bedroom, sending a kakao message to Taekwoon about some mundane thing that had happened to him earlier in the day when he went out with Jaehwan to the store. Taekwoon still isn’t very talkative, but he’s a lot more responsive on messengers, replying quickly even if it is usually just one word, but he presses Sanghyuk to continue the conversation, always.

“Not really,” says Sanghyuk, only half paying attention. “I still spend way more time with you.”

“Only because we’re roommates and you never seem to like leaving the room anyways,” Wonshik mumbles, typing away on his laptop. “But seriously, you two are okay now?”

“I– yeah,” Sanghyuk furrows his brow slightly, partially distracted by the heart-eyes emoji Taekwoon sends him when he mentions spring onions. “Our friendship is always well, sort of shaky…we’re better now, much better.”

“Okay, because, Jaehwan hyung and Taekwoon hyung’s friendship is the hot and cold one. You and Taekwoon hyung are usually…more under wraps thanout there.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sanghyuk finally sets his phone down to glance up at Wonshik. He really wants to know where this going.

Wonshik seems to splutter for a minute before leveling himself and he pulls the top of his laptop down halfway to return the eye contact with Sanghyuk. “I’m just saying, you two used to act like it was mandatory to be around each other. Taekwoon hyung used to look really…forced? It’s just looking better, like you said. I don’t know, don’t ask me anymore, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

Sanghyuk’s eyes are slits of annoyance when he nods, “Yeah, you shouldn’t have.”

It ends there with Wonshik sighing rather loudly and going back to whatever it was on his laptop. Sanghyuk ignores his phone when it pings, probably another message from Taekwoon and the whole thing only lasts for about five minutes before Sanghyuk opens up kakao and replies back, acting like he isn’t the least bit affected by Wonshik’s words.

Of course they acted like they had to be around each other. It’s not easy for Sanghyuk, having a hyung like Taekwoon whose mind is always hard to read. Sanghyuk doesn’t pride himself in being able to read any of the member’s minds though, he sometimes even thinks he himself just doesn’t understand human behaviour, but Taekwoon is so much more difficult than that and it’s easier just to ignore it sometimes. It’s easier to just ignore Taekwoon.

But that suddenly becomes the most difficult thing in the world when Sanghyuk gets cornered backstage, Taekwoon’s hand on the small of his back, urging him away from the others. It’s a little unusual, because Taekwoon doesn’t like doing these things in public, more for waiting until they’re back home or in the company building, it’s mostly Sanghyuk who’ll stuff him in a waiting room closet and kiss the daylights out of him. But Taekwoon seems insistent this time, almost desperate as he presses his hands flat against Sanghyuk’s chest, sighing with content as their lips meet in the stuffy broom closet, a box seems to poke into Sanghyuk’s back, but he doesn’t mind when he’s so close to Taekwoon right now.

“You seemed distracted today,” Taekwoon mumbles softly, eyes immediately going to scan through Sanghyuk’s face as he pulls back. “Did something happen?”

Sanghyuk doesn’t really want to get into the whole thing with the conversation that happened with Wonshik, so he shakes his head, mentally noting that he needs to be even less distracted for the rest of the day than he’d usually be, he doesn’t actually enjoy keeping his hyung’s worried. If he’s distracted, then he’s distracting the others. The kind of distraction Sanghyuk needs right now though, is the one where he wants Taekwoon to not interrogate him like Wonshik had, so he pulls the other male closer, kissing him again, open mouthed and inviting, like he’s giving Taekwoon full control of just about everything. And Taekwoon takes it.

He leaves a sweet trail of kisses from Sanghyuk’s jaw to his neck, sucking momentarily on soft spots before moving his mouth away, wary of leaving any marks that will rise questions. Sanghyuk whines because he doesn’t care, but Taekwoon never fails to think things through, to think about their careers. Sanghyuk just always seems to get lost in these moments, trying hard to forget who he really is and what is happening outside of their little bubble, he would rather savor the feeling of Taekwoon’s hands sliding on the insides of his thighs. It’s so unfair, how much Taekwoon has on Sanghyuk, the five year age gap seeming to only grow instead of decrease with time. He knows so much more than Sanghyuk, knows where to touch, where to press his lips, he knows where to unravel Sanghyuk before Sanghyuk can even figure it out.

Sanghyuk comes in Taekwoon’s hand, his cock pressed right up to the other’s, Taekwoon’s large hand pumping them both sloppily as Sanghyuk whimpers and bumps his nose against Taekwoon’s. There’s no need for embarrassment, Taekwoon’s cheeks are only slightly dusted pink as he kisses Sanghyuk briefly, letting his own climax hit. Before Sanghyuk can even try to touch Taekwoon back in any way, he’s reaching for a stack of paper towels on the shelf behind Sanghyuk’s head. He wipes them clean, careful to not smear anything on their clothes, careful to bleed all of his attention on Sanghyuk. He really feels like such a child.

“You have to stop this,” Sanghyuk says after a moment of watching Taekwoon fuss over him. “I told you I’m not five.”

“And I said I know,” Taekwoon agrees. He’s not looking up to meet Sanghyuk’s eyes, “I wouldn’t be doing these kinds of things with a five year old.”

Sanghyuk’s voice is tired but he still manages a weak laugh. “God, I hope not. Seriously though, I can– I can do stuff. I can take care of myself.”

“I know,” Taekwoon nods with a mumble. “This is more for me. A reminder of sorts, or just really all out of habit.”

“Reminder for what?” Sanghyuk asks.

Taekwoon looks down again, fumbling with his words, but Sanghyuk is still just as patient as he has always been when Taekwoon needed a brief moment to sort through his brain. “To restrain myself. I really shouldn’t have….have done what I did the first time. On your birthday. I shouldn’t have kissed you, as affected by the alcohol as I was, I was more affected by you. It had just been a while since you seemed to acknowledge me. I didn’t want you to get mad again.”

Sanghyuk let’s that sink in with the silence that follows, trying to decipher why Taekwoon would need a reminder to restrain himself, why that reminder is to baby Sanghyuk. He doesn’t quite understand it, but to hear that Taekwoon is that affected by Sanghyuk, that maybe no one else could affect him as such, makes his chest burst with gratification. It isn’t until Taekwoon is fidgeting with the hem of Sanghyuk’s sleeve that he realizes the other is awaiting a response.

“I’m sorry too, honestly,” Sanghyuk starts off with. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you for just being yourself. It was just getting so…patronizing. Like, you really didn’t think I could…do anything.”

“I didn’t mean that,” Taekwoon says quickly, watching as Sanghyuk’s fingers begin to play with a loose string on his shirt. “It’s just– you shouldn’t be doing anything. You shouldn’t be kissing me in closets and learning how to give blowjobs. It isn’t that you don’t have the ability to do anything, it’s just that you really shouldn’t.”

“Taekwoon hyung. I’ve said a million times before, I’m an adult. I made these decisions. It isn’t like you held me against my will or anything.” Sanghyuk thinks he’s being a little more than ridiculous now, more ridiculous than crying over spilled milk.

“I know,” he says, voice just a tad bit hard. “I can’t help but try to somehow, preserve your youth this way. You’re an adult but you’re still young.”

Sanghyuk snorts softly at that, a smile tugging at his lips. “It’s a little late to be preserving anything, hyung. Really, it’s fine. I– I like it. Doing this with you, I want to. With you.” It sounds somewhat embarrassed, but Sanghyuk tries to swallow his heart down as it rises to his throat. Taekwoon is a swirling vortex, sucking everything into him. Sanghyuk is never allowed to just expose a part of himself, it’s all or nothing and as much as Taekwoon dislikes confrontation, Sanghyuk despises it. But the the other male seems content with it, a smile gracing his features and that’s the first time Sanghyuk really thinks Taekwoon looks attractive, not because of the styled hair or the make up caked on his face. Just really genuine, smiling Taekwoon, and something flutters in Sanghyuk.

They leave that day feeling much better than before, Hongbin and Wonshik giving Sanghyuk side long glances for the remainder of their broadcasting, but fuck it, Sanghyuk doesn’t care. The air is clean, the sun is shining, everything is fantastic. He dances to Jaehwan’s raucous singing on the car ride home, keeping Wonshik awake and occasionally grinning when Taekwoon turns around to give him a shy glance.

The next month or two is filled with things like that, soft exchanges of affection in front of public eyes, but heated fervent touches and expressions just for their own. Sanghyuk thinks he could get drunk off of Taekwoon like this, sometimes he really feels he is, resulting in him leaning closer whenever given the chance, just to inhale Taekwoon’s scent or to feel the warmth of his shoulder. If the members think it’s weird, they don’t say anything, more so, Hakyeon seems pleased at how much closer the two have become. Wonshik doesn’t question what’s going on between the two anymore and Hongbin acts like nothing’s really changing, while Jaehwan occasionally teases Taekwoon about his adoring baby. Sanghyuk no longer feels the bite from the word, not when he has Taekwoon whining in his arms, begging and almost crying for Sanghyuk to let him come.

They’re in a hotel room for when they actually have sex, the whole thing partially unplanned as Taekwoon gets roomed with Sanghyuk (it isn’t their first time getting roomed together when overseas, but Sanghyuk is beginning to think that maybe this time it happens because Taekwoon pushes Hongbin to room with Hakyeon instead) and it’s Taekwoon who pins Sanghyuk on the large, plush bed that they’re expected to share because hardly do they ever get a two bedroom room. It starts with Taekwoon kissing Sanghyuk, as it always does because kissing seems to always ease Taekwoon’s nerves, prepare him for the loud noises and harsh breathing that will entail later on. Sanghyuk’s a little excited to be honest, his muscles are slightly tired from spending the day rehearsing and exploring the foreign city with Hongbin and Jaehwan, but this time is different. They have time this time, a bed and soundproof hotel room walls. No rushing to finish, no worry over someone catching them.

It’s slightly nerve wracking at first, because Sanghyuk doesn’t know what to expect really, especially when Taekwoon starts slow, tender almost and Sanghyuk just starts to melt into each one of his feathery touches and soft kisses. It’s different than when Taekwoon seems to snap a finger and Sanghyuk just manages to come undone just like that, because right now, Taekwoon is careful, he’s learning. Figuring out in full detail what Sanghyuk likes and seems to like even more, because Sanghyuk has to face it, Taekwoon touching him with such intimacy could never be disliked.

“T-Taekwoon,” he sighs contently, only using his name informally when they’re alone together like this. Last time it had just been a slip of tongue which resulted in the other orgasming so quick and unexpected that Sanghyuk filed the information away safely for it’s next use.

This moment however, Taekwoon only lets out a soft groan, rubbing his hard erection against Sanghyuk’s, bare skin covered in a layer of sweat as their chests slide smoothly in rhythm. Almost hungrily, Sanghyuk bites down on Taekwoon’s shoulder, wanting more – needing more. It’s with two slick fingers that Taekwoon stretches Sanghyuk open, it burns at first, Sanghyuk hissing and clawing uselessly at Taekwoon’s back to try and register somehow that this is all real and happening. But it fades quickly with each attentive kiss Taekwoon delivers to Sanghyuk’s lips, his voice soft and low, telling him to relax. Sanghyuk does, hips rocking slowly to the beat Taekwoon sets, fucking his fingers into Sanghyuk. When he pulls them out, Sanghyuk is still deliriously moving his hips until he feels Taekwoon shift on the bed, the sound of plastic ripping and a minute later something new is at his entrance, and Sanghyuk sucks in a sharp intake of air.

“Ready?” Taekwoon asks, his voice his husky and strained, Sanghyuk briefly wonders if Taekwoon himself is ready. But he nods all the same, screwing his eyes shut when the head of Taekwoon’s cock slides in him and he lets out a gasp. Taekwoon stops right then and there and Sanghyuk forces his eyes open to find the other with a worried look, scanning Sanghyuk’s face intently.

“I’m fine,” he says, “Keep going.”

Taekwoon gives him one last look before nodding, sliding his lips down to press a kiss to Sanghyuk’s and the other indulges him, trying to convey through the kiss that he really is okay. Inch by inch, Taekwoon moves in, more and more and Sanghyuk is squeezing his shoulders so hard he fears that Taekwoon might just possibly break under his embrace. He doesn’t, instead he holds Sanghyuk’s hips firmly, swallowing thickly while trying to force down a shuddery exhale of breath. “I’m going to move now,” Taekwoon informs and Sanghyuk just nods again, his words refusing to materialize.  

It’s a lot fuller than Taekwoon’s fingers, that’s for sure, but it feels better, less of a burn and more of Sanghyuk wanting more and more of the friction than anything. It’s slow and careful, as a lot of things with Taekwoon seem to be and Sanghyuk can’t be selfish and demand for more, not when he knows how conscious his hyung is being of him, it’s a sort of pleasant overwhelming feeling that Taekwoon leaves in Sanghyuk. His heart could break through his chest right now.

“Taekwoon,” he whines, needy, and Taekwoon moves his hands from Sanghyuk’s hips to rest on the bed, boxing Sanghyuk in his arms. With a sudden urgency, Sanghyuk finds his hips rocking to Taekwoon’s thrusts, clumsily at first, because he still isn’t too sure what he’s doing, but eventually he matches with the other, letting out a rather embarrassingly loud moan when Taekwoon’s cock curves just so inside of him. One of Taekwoon’s hands seems to find it’s way in between the two, grasping Sanghyuk’s hardened cock and stroking him lazily, his lips mouthing hotly at the junction between Sanghyuk’s neck and shoulder.

Sanghyuk is a trembling mess when he oragasms, crying out Taekwoon’s name over and over again like that’s the only thing grounding him. As if finally releasing his own hold, Taekwoon follows soon after, a guttural sound erupting from him that sends shivers down Sanghyuk’s spine. They lay in silence for a minute or two, nothing but the sound of their panting filling the room and Sanghyuk’s cheeks suddenly heat at the realization of what they’ve just done. Taekwoon is only slightly heavy on top of him where he’s seemed to just collapse, the life practically drained from him and Sanghyuk gently pokes his shoulder. “Hyung. Hyung, get up. It’s sticky.”

Slowly, almost at a sloth like pace, Taekwoon rises and with caution, pulls himself out of Sanghyuk before rolling over to the side of the bed, drawing a breath of air in. Sanghyuk feels like he can’t move at all, but it doesn’t matter as Taekwoon slides off the bed, disappearing into the bathroom and then returning with a wet towel, wiping Sanghyuk and himself clean, using such kind and attentive hands, it’s actually endearing for once in Sanghyuk’s eyes.

“C’mere,” he mumbles sleepily, calling Taekwoon over with a lazily drawn hand. The other tosses the towel to the side, easily being casted into Sanghyuk warm embrace, nuzzling into his side and almost possessively wrapping the younger into his arms. Almost.

Sanghyuk is honestly too drowsy at this point to properly register much aside from the heat of Taekwoon’s skin on his own as they lay snuggled in bed. He can smell the musty scent exuding from the other and soon he feels Taekwoon’s soft cat-like lips pressing an almost chaste kiss to his own, small words being poured out into Sanghyuk’s mouth.

In the morning, Sanghyuk wakes up, half of his mind is in a dream like state, while the other is giddy at the aspect of what happened last night. He doesn’t remember anything beyond falling asleep in Taekwoon’s arms and he gets an eyeful of a sleep induced Taekwoon, face too close for what Sanghyuk is usually accustomed to when they share a bed. He doesn’t mind though, so long as Taekwoon doesn’t mind Sanghyuk’s morning breath as he kisses his hyung awake, groggy protests of ‘let me sleep more’ being thrown around without much of a bite. Soon, Taekwoon’s kissing him back, Sanghyuk giggling in his embrace before he throws the blankets off them, announcing that he’s going to take a shower. Taekwoon groans out loudly, but halfway through Sanghyuk’s shower, the other is joining him and they’re just a little late to meet up with the others.

It doesn’t really seem to hit Sanghyuk until they’re back in South Korea, all hanging out together on the floor of their dorm, Jaehwan resting his head against Sanghyuk’s thigh as he helps the younger with his lines for their upcoming single. Wonshik and Hongbin are bantering about something as Hakyeon flips through channels on the tv, while Taekwoon’s got a book in his nose, only half paying attention to everyone else. That’s when Sanghyuk’s stare wanders over to him and he’s grinning a little as his eyes stay casted on Taekwoon, so Jaehwan shoves a cold hand into the front of Sanghyuk’s shirt, causing the other to yelp and draw his gaze away.

“You were staring,” Jaehwan announces casually, a tiny glint in his eye.

“No, I wasn’t,” Sanghyuk hisses defensively. He definitely was not and even if he was, so what?

“Nothing,” he shrugs, lifting the lyrics paper up to poke Sanghyuk’s cheek with. “You just sing a little better when you’re distracted by Taekwoon hyung, surprisingly enough.”

That for sure causes Sanghyuk’s eyes to flicker between Jaehwan and Taekwoon, the other still unbeknownst of what’s happening. Jaehwan snickers, sitting up to get on eye level with Sanghyuk. “Why don’t you have him coach you instead?”

And that’s never happened before. It’s always been Jaehwan who’s helped Sanghyuk with a lot of his vocal work, Hakyeon or Wonshik occasionally jumping in whenever to offer their guidance as well. He’s never really sought out Taekwoon’s help, at least not with this. Not with his singing or his dancing or acting, or any of this. Sanghyuk shakes his head at Jaehwan, finality in his voice when he speaks, “That’s not gonna happen.”

He’s actually embarrassed, Sanghyuk is embarrassed at the prospect of Taekwoon coaching him. It’s silly, they’ve all heard each other sing, thousands of people have heard them sing – live, too. So, he sniffs indignantly at Jaehwan before shoving him out of his zone of comfort, standing up to go lay on his pile of blankets in his room and spend a few hours watching anime. It isn’t until a while later that the door opens, Sanghyuk’s first thought is that it’s just Wonshik, but the other had gone out with Hongbin for snacks, so his heart suddenly races at the thought of Taekwoon coming in to be alone with him. The rising in his chest deflates almost as quickly as it had begun when it’s Hakyeon who sits on his back, crossing his legs in a very Taekwoon-esque way and purses his lips, waiting for Sanghyuk to stop throwing his arms in protest.

“What are you doing?” Sanghyuk spits out, struggling to overturn Hakyeon, but the other is still heavy enough to keep Sanghyuk planted. Being tangled in blankets doesn’t help either.

“Having a talk with you,” replies Hakyeon, ever the rock.

“We can’t do this – I don’t know – sitting?”

“You have a thing for running away it would seem,” sighs Hakyeon, a knowing smirk on his face that Sanghyuk can’t see but he can hear it in the elder’s voice. He curses inwardly.

“What is this about, hyung?”

“You and Taekwoon. You guys are really close these days. Almost sickeningly so.”

Sanghyuk furrows his brows, that’s it? “I’ve already had this talk with Wonshik hyung.”

“It was probably more like you being hormonal and him backing off,” says Hakyeon almost impassively. “Sanghyuk, it isn’t my place to tell you what to do with your personal life, but it is my place to make sure that your personal life doesn’t do anything to interfere with your professional life. You seem a lot less careful now and a lot more…well, happy in an aspect, but really distracted, more so than usual.”

There’s silence. Sanghyuk really hates Hakyeon because he’s hard to argue with, he’s too fucking smart. “Get off,” he grumbles, not putting up a fight this time because Hakyeon stands firmly, looking back down at Sanghyuk who begins to sit up.

“Don’t do anything to hurt Taekwoon and most importantly, don’t mess yourself up too.”

Hakyeon doesn’t wait for Sanghyuk to respond, instead spinning on his heels and smoothly exiting through the door. God, Sanghyuk wants to punch him in the face. He’s trying so hard to look cool and it’s actually working. As if Sanghyuk is ever going to tell that to him though.

The same night, Sanghyuk finds himself holding Taekwoon’s hand as the two walk from their dorm to the cafe down the street, a promise of bubble tea and iced coffee for Sanghyuk if he behaved on the way there (Sanghyuk isn’t Jaehwan for heaven’s sake, he isn’t going to embarrass Taekwoon). The moon hangs lovely in the sky tonight, it’s clear as the stars twinkle against Sanghyuk’s eyes and the fingers curled against his hand only tighten when Taekwoon suddenly stops in his tracks, Sanghyuk nearly bumping into him. Taekwoon turns to face him and Sanghyuk opens his mouth to question why they’ve suddenly stopped when Taekwoon kisses him, gentle and sweet; a marching band goes off in the cavity of Sanghyuk’s chest. Maybe something a little softer, like an orchestra starts to play in Taekwoon’s when he slides his free hand into Sanghyuk’s hair, carding through the strands and causing the younger to sigh into his touch. There’s no one around right now, maybe a stray cat or two, but the summer night is still, stretching far too late for anyone else to be wandering around this street.

“Sanghyuk,” Taekwoon starts softly, voice sounding very pleading. He blinks slowly at the other as their lips remain only a hair’s length apart, Taekwoon’s eyelashes brushing against Sanghyuk’s cheeks.

“Yes, Taekwoon?” He answers tensely, he would rather really be kissing Taekwoon again.

“Do you–” he stalls, thinking of the right words to say, but eventually finds them, hand holding onto Sanghyuk’s even tighter. “Do you like me?”

And, oh. This is unexpected, the instinct – the one that always seems to get the better of him – tells him to run, but Hakyeon’s words hit him with an unimaginable force, burning brightly at the front of him mind. Don’t do anything to hurt Taekwoon.

And most importantly, don’t mess yourself up too.

Sanghyuk stutters nervously, it isn’t like Taekwoon is confessing to him or anything, he’s just wanting to know where Sanghyuk stands on this. Maybe, it’s silly, but maybe, Taekwoon already knows where he himself is standing on all of this. Taekwoon knows his own feelings and now he wants to know Sanghyuk’s. Words have never been friends to Taekwoon, many of those words have never been in Sanghyuk’s vocabulary either and right now words are all they have to clarify anything between them.

“I’m not sure. I mean– I, maybe. I don’t really know, I think. I think maybe…maybe I do.” Sanghyuk is mumbling, babbling words and most make sense while some of them get tied together and form completely new words, he’s never been this flustered in his entire life before and it’s embarrassing. Taekwoon sure knows how to embarrass him.

He’s only more embarrassed when the older male lets out a puff of air, head falling to Sanghyuk’s shoulder as his own begin to tremble slightly. It takes Sanghyuk a minute or two but he figures out that Taekwoon is laughing. He’s laughing at Sanghyuk, of all people, out in the middle of the night on the sidewalk. Jung Taekwoon is laughing at Han Sanghyuk.

“S-Stop that,” he demands immediately, slapping lightly at Taekwoon’s shoulder.

“You’re cute,” Taekwoon says before giving a faint peck to Sanghyuk’s cheek. “I like you too, maybe.”

“Are you making fun of me now?” Sanghyuk fumes, deciding to push away petulantly, but Taekwoon’s hold on his hand keeps him within reach. He gets spun back to Taekwoon’s side, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of Taekwoon’s lips and Sanghyuk can’t help but grin back.

It’s even more anti-climactic from then on, they go to the cafe, hands intertwined together until they reach the place and Taekwoon opens the door and Sanghyuk lets go with ease and both step in. Taekwoon gets Sanghyuk his bubble tea and an iced coffee for himself, Sanghyuk argues that he was supposed to get two drinks, but when they’re walking back, he tastes it on Taekwoon’s tongue instead. Everyone back in the dorm aren’t expectant of anything, in fact, Jaehwan’s already wheedled Taekwoon’s drink from him, using aegyo and whining proficiently. Sanghyuk feels tired all of a sudden, but not an exhaustive kind, it is a rather satisfying kind. Like he’s done a day’s work and been paid and now he’s ready to collapse on his bed and rest, but he doesn’t have a real bed, just a pile of blankets and one pillow. So instead, he tugs on Taekwoon’s sleeve, drags him down to the floor of the living room with him and rests his head on the other’s thigh, sighing with content at the comfortable substitute for his lack of bed.