Messy

when we were just..together. i mean irl. i mean when i and he do have a physical home that we can call home. so in a shortcut way id say that im not made for any long distance relationship. my parents were right. they are right. its hard being apart, well im not even with him with him, but, in a sense, if i were to keep liking someone. i need that someone to be in my vicinity. i dont even need…

do i beg onto him? this time? no. yet i still feel myself screaming at me to stop even thinking about this. ofc this never happened when i dont like anyone. but i know and am fully aware that i am way better than how i was before. i dont beg. im keeping myself just as how much he invests his on me. i am only, returning. this time i dont do more. no more bob the builder. no more romanticize…

either it’s conscious or not, i have no idea. i feel some sadness, or anxiety, deep down. not peace. thats the right word. im not in peace its all grey. is it again my punishment of not being a good person? as in conventional religion which my parents taught me. is this because i want kids? is this because again i like someone who might not like me as much? is this bcs someones gonna leave…

among many things, one is giving me realization that i can just literally try anything and work out of it. i can probably work some random jobs, do other field of research. it will be hard and difficult that i want to cry, but, life is, i mean, i will want to cry anyways in life. and. might as well crying in whole new place ive never ben before. see and meet new things. doing an entirely…

one said, you will find it when u stop searching, but well, that one is also bullshit. because i definitely stopped, but he fucking went away. i did fulstop and more. it broke me off. broke me within and beyond. im now in the other kind of pain, same annoying but at least this way isnt bcs what i did to myself. easier. to accept. period pain is one of pain i accept. its okay. but heartbreak?…

sleepy i need drugs. and by drugs i mean hella lot of caffeine and such. its been a very low stakes activity, no adrenaline rush. i feel like i just need to, well, be myself. not improving. i mean, i may not need any improvement anyways. but like, i dont know. i dont sctually know. i feel like phd will be, actually again, id probably not knowing

i always admire ones work of writing. where its abstract and nothing really..real within it. yet what i write so far, was always within what really happen to me and feels like some fifteen yo girls diary than anything else. as i read less and less now, my wording was even more limited, i keep repeating the mundane, practical and worldly words. guess i really am no artist. is it because here is…

yet another hot day in lab, i am mentally handicapped because i havent made any progress for my upcoming presentation. which is actually okay? not a matter of life and death. its just, well, another unproductive time in my phd. think like im very good a managing my stress. or like, not being the best in everything. which is fine. im still within sanity fence. im a bit sleepy now. but going home…

i just have so many of it. and youre not here. well, nothing ever states that you are something of me or vice versa anyways. it is always just me. isnt it. always ahead of anything. we are not even we, i guess. it is something kinda pain in my chest. things that i wanna just sleep it away because i cant get it out of my head. or work it away. maybe if i just work nonstop, i will cease that, i…

im not physically alone tonight, family is here but i feel very… alone. i need to keep reminding myself, that i did enough. i am doing enough and i dont need, i should not. i still hate you trevor. you took a part of me who was sadly very sweet. i was soften and all i got from giving chance to my soft me was this. you were the main reason of my darkest days filled with tears and fears of my own…

its crazy how i avoid doing this phd thing so religiously, like i have this big fear of just starting it. idk. its pouring rain and im here contemplating should i go out and be cold getting some pastries. or just be here

this time, im not in love. im tired and fully awake. fully aware that the guy i like, has different fundamental view of theology, far from me. he may also be not the soulmate. i like him and he does too. but. i dont know if it ever be enough. i dont know if he would sacrifice his ideology to be with me. i came so far, im here now, yet still, reality is reality. it is not the fairytale nor…

2025 was last year, and im going halfway 2026 now. which was, full of heartbreaks. and though i kept telling myself every one was the last, it was definitely not the last. of course. even this one, ongoing one, i thought it would be, will be the last, but i should know better by now its not. after all, im still not priority, still not even chosen, i chose him but its not the same for me. it…

hear the saying, not knowing is a bliss sometimes i like that line, very much, because i want to be nonchalant. and cool. and detached. and part of self hating maybe. because in nature, i want to be included. at everything. for those who matters. and i have horrible selecting skills. and i have deep craving. which i learn, is not suitable for this world. i cant know everything. i…

the newest bridgerton series, with a croatian working across me, not even 2 meters radius, and the male lead reminds me of, mark. he does look german, like even the bits and details about. since also, croatia will go back in, like, two days. without anything asked, ever. nor will i ever. we like each other, that part i am sure, but, but, we came far to realize that is simply not enough. we can…