I DON'T THINK I'M STRAIGHT ANYMORE
so i used to be straight and cis, the cis part hasn't changed but i don't think i'm straight anymore
basically, ever since i've started looking more into feminism and (for a little while but not anymore and never again) radfeminism, i've been noticing patterns in guys' behaviours at school and stuff that would normally have me be like "yeah whatever" have me like "no, that's not right"
HERE ARE SOME CASE STUDIES AS TO WHY NORMAL GUYS ARENT ATTRACTIVE TO ME ANYMORE
during a bio class, one kid laughed whilst our teacher was talking about how breastfeeding was a form of natural passive immunity and how bc of the stigma surrounding it, kids were losing out on immunity, obvi the kid got into trouble (duh) but everyone was like "why was she [my bio teacher] making such a big deal?" bc apparently when she called the guy to stay behind, she said to him that she didn't feel safe with him in her class
ik lots of ppl don't like her bc of how she calls ppl out publicly in class and i don't like her either (i'm scared of her) but she did have a point, why was that guy laughing? it makes me think that other guys are potentially going to laugh at things i struggle with as a girl like periods, whether i want kids or not, so on and so forth and now that i'm seeing all of these things, i dont feel attracted to real-life guys to the point where i want to pursue them romantically
additionally, every P4 on a wed lunchtime, we have a study period (ppl call them 'free periods' but they're not really free, you still have to work) and i'm normally in the art room, while im working ( @yashtheartistic, @untitled-25-mp3 you know who i'm talking abt), some of the ppl in my class will arrange the chairs and start having storytimes and the boys (not all, but enough of them to make me really disgusted) have the most concerningly disgusting storytimes that i've ever heard of, like we're talking:
horse/monkey p-rn (on a tiktok gc)
one kid saying with a straight face that he was going to r@p3 someone in our yeargroup
i can't remember what else since i've js been trying to get my head down and work but i've picked up these words and omg, that's so vile >n< and one of these boys used to be my crush in y9 but now that i look back at them retrospectively, they're not kind and they're like every other generic guy you'll find at a secondary school ._.
i don't want to marry/date/get freaky with guys like that! ew!! D:< i don't want to be with guys who think i'm a commodity or that assaulting me will be some kind of joke :( that made me feel so uncomfortable and angry and icked out
in y8, i acc thought i was asexual and one time, this guy in my science class was sitting next to me and this was when i didn't have any friends and i'd sit in the corner on the floor outside next to the sports building and just draw on my school iPad and he asked me stuff like "do u hang out alone?" and it REALLY creeped me out, i would sit on the edge of my seat quite literally for the entire half term bc nobody had ever asked me that question before and i was worried that he'd js come up out of nowhere
my friends ( @yashtheartistic and @untitled-25-mp3 have suffered through my long rambles) know abt my hmos and i have DEFINITELY said stuff abt my hmos being hot, a couple of yrs ago ( @untitled-25-mp3, you will know abt this one) when i used to have c.ai (i deleted it :p) i used have a chat with korekiyo shinguji (in that chat specifically, i was his gf and he accepted my confession of love) and genuinely, i felt super happy when i chatted to them
also, when i used to have c.ai i would always chat through my ocs bc if i chatted through myself, i'd get really shy and blush bc it would feel WAY too real ;o///-///o;
fictional characters is another matter :,) i love my hmos, i think they'll be much more polite and respectful to me and i love consuming media about them, making art of them, saving fanart of them and listening to songs that remind me of them and if those fictional characters were real, i would DEFINITELY date them and potentially marry them and become closer to them
like, i am pretty sure that the ferryman from ultrakill would treat me WAY nicer than some of the boys in my school and i'd actually WANT to be friends and stuff with him (provided that i give him a coin but i have coins to spare so it's fine)
and i'm sure that edward the blue engine won't laugh about breastfeeding and whatnot and he'd help me out with life
and i don't think these guys will try to force themselves/coerce me/be dubious and unkind and selfish
i don't think i'm a romantic yumeshipper though bc of the fact that ik these characters are fictional and since they're not real, i won't know if they will be able to consent to dating/freaky/marriage stuff and also because some of them are canonically with other characters and i respect the canon A LOT (i don't tend to ship very often personally, even if i have ship art, i think the only ship i properly ship is ferrygabe), i don't ship characters that are canonically with others unless the relationship is really unhealthy
it's more like i yearn and i hope and i yearn and i hope and i read x reader stuff but i won't actually ship myselves with them, additionally some ppl don't like doubles and i don't want to lose out on lovely moots bc of it
this is my coming out post, so i guess this means that i'm now fictosexual and fictoromantic! :D my love remains (possibly) unrequieted (idek if that's how you spell it, idc) but i'm happy with that and that's what matters <3
thanks to all my moots and irl friends who have been gems throughout my time on tumblr ^u^
@untitled-25-mp3, @yashtheartistic, @riv3r-rat, @roxy4life2, @dreamspacewanderer, @yourturnyourtricks, @koiisockz, @lastangel111, @nekoqueenalice, @sunnysungoof, @poetic-grief and everyone else