totally human I swear

hello I notice that you are attempting to access my webbed site from a phone. did you know we have an app? I will redirect you to the app store so y— oops it looks like you tried to load the webpage again, it's okay I will show you to the app sto— no, no, it's okay this happens all the time, I know you didn't really want to access the actual website on your phone, that's why we have an app! let me take you to the app store where you can download it

GOD, I wish more doctors were more like this redditor's dad

ive done it, ive finally overcome my black-and-white thinking and established a gray area full of nuance. *looks closer* wait *notices my gray area is an illusion comprising smaller squares of black and white, and my nuance is just a more complicated set of rules* fuck

hey guysss so unfortunately the rumors are true and im leaving the narrative. Buttt the good news is my absence will create such a gaping hole in your lives that it will become a sort of presence itself, and so in a way it will kind of be like i never left! But i am. Leaving just to be clear.

my wife's hours are bonkers right so, and its been messing up my sleep a little because im not used to sleeping without her around. so i only got about four and a half hours of sleep last night. and then today i came home and i wanted a snack and i sort of accidentally ate an entire large deli container of bleu cheese crumbles + a mangesium vitamin gummy + a melatonin before realizing that the last time i went to sleep after eating Extraordinary Amounts of Psychoactive Cheese i met the ghost of my grandfather who told me that he wasnt upset at me for not being there when he died. and i am not actually in a headspace to deal with that right now. but im also not really able to stay awake. so im just kind of talking to the one crumble i have left like, hey, man, i know i kind of fucked up here, but take it easy on me. im. im scared. no ghosts this time. it actually meant a lot to me last time but i dont want two ghosts in one year thats way too many ghosts. maybe just make this one kind of wacky. nevertheless. not my will, but thine, be done.

this is how they pick parasites off other animals, that beak is PRECISE

I think cis women should be allowed to get top surgery even if its not for a medical reason like breast reduction or cancer. I think they should be able to get it even if they're completely cisgender. Some women are just sick of dealing with them and would be much much happier never needing to wear a bra again

oh and you have to learn to weaponize “thank you for your understanding”. which means “there is nothing you can do about this so accept it”

might I add "thanks for your patience" = "things are going as fast as they can reasonably go and if you keep asking when it's going to be done you will actively slow the process down through your constant pestering"

Ants are always like oh shiit you have a thing? You left your Thing there i've always wanted that. And can all my friends come also