xShaylaZero

I cry confused.

I cry overwhelmed.

Overstimulated I sit.

Frozen with hot tears.

An earthquake rumbles inside me.

A caution cone or a dunce cap.

Daft thoughts to fill the gap.

There's no one here besides me.

A silence that feels so loud.

No words, only a voice that produces sound.

The deafening reality closes in.

Unopening echoing windows suffocate.

A reminder of the solitude each day that I wake.

I pound and I pound, but they just won't break.

It is only me.

It's always only me.

I try, I reach out.

I'll scream and I'll shout.

Within the patience I will not beg.

My mirror shows only a ghost.

I am a vessel with no host.

For her, from me, she will always take.

All those people look in, yet no one really sees.

The misery from mercy.

The one life that I chose first.

Looks different than the life I want to be.

I sit, and I wait.

This feeling will pass.

Time moves as a vine growing upon a gardens gate.

They glance and opinionate.

I chose and accept my fate.

Alone I will be.

My voice rests in written.

I will calm my lion, retreat into a kitten.

I will wash my window, grateful and blessed be.

Although inside, a stained mind will torment me.

_

Grip open.

Words paused.

My hands feel empty.

Holding air.

Silent sentence.

My hands feel old.

Feel tired, feel used.

Feel small.

My hands feel dirty from touches left decades before.

My hands feel power.

Feel reason.

Feel love.

My hands have spoken.

Day after day.

Five years of movement.

Still for a moment.

My hands have learned a language only I can understand when my daughter is near.

Her hands move with grace, speak with passion.

Mine watch hers dance and reply.

The comprehend what's on her mind.

My hands aren't mine.

They are her safety, her voice.

My hands forever see the beauty she will always be.

_

Processing.

Drinks gone down.

Thirty minutes past midnight.

Old playlists.

Songs overplayed.

Lyrics that once made me cry.

Growth?

Boundaries?

Sober.

Not tonight.

Regret.

None.

No shame.

Blocked.

Blocked your number.

Blocked your title.

You're only a name.

Three letters to yours.

Double in mine.

I can't believe from you what I once received I thought was fine.

What's mine is mine.

I'll share if I feel it's worthy.

This is me in my thirties.

From you I am not.

From you I once was.

The girl in the mirror.

She's walked through her past.

_

The fool in me wants to let you in.

The Mother I am knows to not.

You ask me questions a father should know the answer to.

My eyes can't align with yours.

My voice can't break monotone when we speak.

My heart doesn't deserve to be broken again.

Her.

She.

Ours.

Mine!

It's me she chose to run to that one day you stood next to me.

It's my hand she held, my hip she leans into.

It's me she signs to.

It's me she knows who will respond directly.

You ask did I do it right?

You were trying to sign to her I love you from outside of her home door.

It was me who she was looking to.

It was you that she knew was leaving.

If you need to ask if you're loving correctly, then don't be surprised as she skips on past.

Happy-funtime pop-in parent.

You're in her stories.

I'm in her memories.

___

Waiting for you to arrive.

Maybe after seven tonight, but hopefully five.

Your name in her mind.

Even with your absence, we've been doing just fine.

Headstart graduation, preschool over soon.

A new season.

A birthday.

But will you ever stay?

You come.

You play.

Then you're back out on your way.

She's at home.

Waiting.

How long now?

Another weekend, a month or two?

Before you know it, she'll outgrow you.

A picture to hold.

A story her Mom told.

Three chairs today..

Tomorrow there will be only two.

__

Her tears come at night.

She doesn't feel enough ..or enough.

She doesn't feel worthy.

Every passing day is the same hour.

The sun sets and her soul beats alive.

She. Alone.

Her ceiling is vivid with anxiety.

The darkness unleashes her depression.

Light from the tv.

Sounds from strangers.

She almost wants to walk again with danger.

Stumbled yellow line middle of the road.

A train on rails full speed will not heel.

One am, will she find her home.

Her baby asleep in a makeshift manger.

Nothing earned.

Nothing given.

Is this fate or a false beginning?

A hangover and a new poem.

Was throwing away three months worth it?

She's tucked in but her mind is fight or flight.

Fight for her she will.

For me?

Me left years ago.

__

God I hate it here behind my heavy eyes.

There's moments between the broken glass.

Moments where I wish the sunshine would last.

The blade from a pencil sharpener.

The splash from a pour.

My head my heart, the future at war.

Her cries behind a gate should make my earth quake.

Quietly I wait and pray for a motherfucking break.

A break down a break through.

Just one single moment of rest, where my soul doesn't have to be put to a test.

I scream and I fight, but I'll always kiss her goodnight.

Sunken shoulders in a slum couch, tension barbs and wires my spine.

I feel so small yet the largest in the room.

For I, the feather that weighs down the hummingbird.

An open blue eggshell upon a sidewalk with no near tree.

Born into something I know not how to be.

-

I deserve a yes not only a maybe.

I am more than a pair of tits.

I have never fought for happiness this hard before.

The silence between the noise is when my tears no longer fall.

The sun will set and solemnly I'll sit.

Alone in a bedroom with a cracked door.

You say words I've heard all before.

Feeling like a lonely internet whore.

Angry with myself for allowing a feeling.

Slapped with reality as if it has a meaning.

A silent phone with a loud ringtone.

I stand atop my totem pole.

Jump.

The ground below is so far and gray.

..Say my name.

Something pulls me along to stay.

....Say my name.

Somedays I wish I could fade away.

......Say it again.

A dandelions blown wish.

A weed spawned from a roadside ditch.

I'll jar my thoughts instead of bitch.

-

She doesn't speak because her words fall shattered and unheard.

She chooses to feel instead.

To watch, to visualize.

To discover what she feels inside.

Instincts take over.

Primal fever.

Confuse the demons.

Unleash the tension.

Her heat is rising.

If you see her, she'll be heard.

If you stay close, she'll remember to breathe through.

If he's true, her intentions are pure.

If he's real, she'll let him in.

Don't leave her dizzy and daydreaming.

Show her there's a life worth meaning.

Prove to her she can safely say yes.

He's already had her piece.

Give her your peace.

Eyes locked.

Fingers intertwined.

She knows no one can take her worth, only reflect it back.

Return. Be safe.

She can go at your pace.

That grin on her face is sincere.

Something she hasn't felt in ten years.

Wake her up. Feed her soul.

She made her decision.

He asks, is this ok?..

Fuck yes, absolutely!

Come in and unlock your door, leave your clothes there on the floor.

Let her lips trace your skin.

Lay your hand on her neck.

She wants to hear your snarl.

She craves your touch.

Exhale and breathe her in.

Exhale and welcome him in.

Safety in each other's arms.

-

Beautiful betrayal.

Black line omen waiting for rapture.

My soul winds like a vine, avoiding your capture.

Eyes of dim safety.

Someone please wake me.

Hold my misery.

I tried.

I praised thine name only to receive pain.

I prayed for permission to unleash kind words and strength that I had already self contained.

Controlling Messiah.

Narcissistic sadist.

Bring me to the bottom of my desperation.

Inflict your sin and spread your lies.

Scripture written by a false prophet.

Extend the rope for me to climb with your noose on the other side.

I laugh at your name.

Show your face!

False intentions, blurred directions.

Take me to your resurrection of smoke and mirrors.

A magician spreading rumors of faith.

Gaining the confidence of sheep.

Bow to the unproven.

I'd rather walk with my ancestry of ghosts than to open myself for an uncertain host.

I am sorry Shayla.

-

I grieved you.

I forgave you.

I grew from you.

I was once in love ..with you.

Love for you I carry, always will.

Differently it will be.

Did you miss me?

Did you think of her?

Did you ever hold love for me spooning in my bed?

..or was my heart for you a hotel commissary?

Now you're back.

Twice.

How long will you stay?

I hope the distance won't always be this way.

You've seen your daughter smile.

You've felt your daughters laugh.

A barefoot hug attack two steps inside her door.

You've played cars belly to the floor.

While your daughters mother saw, watched and adored.

Good morning.

Coffee in hand.

The horizon is chaos.

Mountains to climb.

The jagged valley gap is still unspoken.

It remains gray as if looking far beyond the ocean.

The last three years brought stability.

Gave structure.

Built her a foundation.

Don't rock the boat.

Don't sink our ship.

Join our family.

Be a family.

Wear your title with pride.

When she signed your name, did you feel fuzzy inside?

Prove to yourself that you're worth something.

Reencounter the new versions of ourselves.

Yet I hope you're not here for my sake.

She is also yours, help her build life's path to take.

Show her she's not a fool for loving you.

I have outgrown the old ways.

I am now eager to create better days.

_

She feels deprived

Numb from the inside

She feels yet she tries to hide

Meanwhile leaving flashing lights curbside

Words don't form in her head as it swirls

She holds her voice

Deciphering squirrels

She dreams to dine rather than devour

Tears come pouring over the faultline

Keep some space in-between

This will pass, just give it an hour

With her glasses off to make life blurry

Her heart feels it's always in need of a hurry

No no no again

She sits unheard

Useless and sheilded

Isolation sets in

Punctuation isn't necessary when her mind runs messy in destress

Everyday feeling like a wounded askari

Hold your apologies and tuck your praise

This Mama needs to feel the suns rays

It's brightness will diminish her polluted rage

An opportunity

Reaching for more

I'm sorry, I forgot

I will wait my turn

Someday maybe she'll see what joy lies ashore

The sun sets with the moon near

Please take her sadness and make it disappear

Give her growth

Give her grace

Give her something to replenish her faith

It's not space that is needed it's something for her to succeed

Can't you see it written upon her stone face

A feeling of hope

A feeling of chosen

Her home is safe yet right now she feels as if she's just taking up space

A burden

Not eating to shrink her only widens her shame

She dresses her body yet the mirror she betrays

Everything she is trying to persuade

She doesn't deserve this plate or a palace

This light and the sensation of flight or fight

A pounding head and a saints silent laughter

Her screams go on

Her thoughts left uncaptured

Will happiness appear or another rapture

Stickers on a page

Laundry in it's basket

A clock on the wall more like a thieving time bomb

-

Same clear sky with a higher treeline.

Birds circle over, footsteps pass by.

Occasionally someone stops and says hi.

Full shopping carts creating chaos around me.

Playlist loud so I can mute my surroundings.

Empathy keeps me comfortable with the homeless.

While my house patiently awaits for life to restore at its door.

A quiet living room with unswept floors.

A full kitchen with unkept dishes.

With this house I will fulfill all my daughters wishes.

Her serenity her security.

Her future looks so pure to me.

All the while I wait like a boat under a tree, hoping to be useful again.

For the moment, an opportunity for something to come and rescue me.

A rut I live, everyday I repeat.

Overthinking choices with heavy eyes, all the while she sleeps peacefully.

-

There's a voice behind the words she doesn't speak, she doesn't know if she'll be heard.

There's a bed in her room, yet her mind never lets her rest.

There's a hole in her heart, gaping, gathering and releasing dust.

She knows she's beautiful, but she delegates who sees.

A form of beauty from the inside you'll need distorted darkness within yours to see.

She will show herself to those who see her efforts, her passion ..her pain.

To those who hear her from behind her souls windowless ashes.

Her growth she cradles with pride.

To those that set the bar, to those who strive for better.

She knows her strength, but doesn't feel worthy of the battle she carries.

She'd rather write poems, quick to the point or long and wordy.

It's not only herself she protects.

An offspring, divine and learning.

Two tiny eyes who glance skyward.

Behind those eyes holds a Mother's embrace.

A smile so pure that if stolen she would unleash a hunt, set out to slaughter.

At any length to shield her Daughter.

She no longer considers herself a person.

She no longer puts care inward.

She no longer feels that she is deserving of affection.

She craves.

She moves and the earth quakes.

She puts herself at the edge of serenity, yet she retorts her self into extinguishing own inner peace.

A balance of imperfect crumbs, she wants her body to stop feeling numb.

Traped under layers of unkind acts, an ogre she has become preparing for impact.

Wake her.

Make her more than a fragment of broken string.

Help her to weave her story again.

_

You can only choose who to become.

Somedays it's magnificent.

Somedays I forget to breathe.

I hate that I care.

I hate that I hear her in my speak.

I hate that she calls me every day of the week.

My reflection shows her, that's why my hair grows green.

I'll treat myself better when I'm thin and not meek.

I'm used to being treated like shit and debris.

I don't trust my own judgement.

I don't trust my ability to drink.

So instead, for tonight, I will sit here and I will write.

I will think about tomorrow and the days that might be.

I will think about the times when I was a homeless bum.

My past happiness and my glee yet to come.

I hope my words one day are meaningful to some.

Short lived and dimly lit.

I hope to find my place where I fit.

Where I am seen.

Where I am praised.

Where my daughter will be heard and helped raised along the way.

I pray fourth upon the empty sky for a love strong and serene.

I pray for a love that is divine and truly is meant to be mine.

-