Kol

Mainly scared that some friends are now realizing I am to much energy when I interact with them and am very annoying.

Doesn’t help that all of them for some reason have decided “oh you’re to anxious and fragile so we won’t keep you extremely updated on shit you know is happening” which I’ve let them know I want to be kept in the know hell I rather have a sugar coated version than be kept in the dark.

Fucking hell we have one alter who thinks they all hate him for being close to someone he now hates as much as those others do because he probably exists as a reminder of him. It’s hard when he wishes to chat and hang out again.

I just miss when everything was fine. But I won’t let them know I’m spiraling with anxiety being high.

I don’t care if I’m ignored I care that they won’t tell me to my face what’s wrong. I don’t care if they think I’m fragile and that it’ll “hurt my feelings” be fucking blunt with me to my face. I don’t care anymore

I have one friend I’m close to and I feel like shit I haven’t chatted with her often but we have both been busy. I’m so tired. Maybe I should just take a full step back from being host and shit.

Context some friends have known I have a crush on on my best friend of 3 years and that me the one in the system who has said crush is a guy while my best friend is a girl. I point at the fact I am genderfluid but masc presenting.

Wait

It is going to be hard explaining to his friends “Hey so the host may be our old host now and I’m the new one. Yeah still refuse to give you fucks my name but oh well” I really hate his mother figure she’s a bitch and the one person I refuse to let know my name

I am already so so tired of this bullshit from some people the guy previous interacted with daily. Only one I truly enjoy the company of is his sister figure

A thinks B doesn’t like hanging with them as B is very dry and blunt. Host was in VC with B and C after A left due to shit. A also continued to use discord TTS to talk after C was like stop. They acted like we all hate them(I do mainly as they caused our host a bit of worry on if they’re being mean telling the others what they messaged the host but it was about person B in the VC, it was shambles once the host left call)

So past two days discord has been offline as we are going radio silent there due to shit and only interacting with other groups for our sanity.

Like rn we are looking at grades and one class had a teacher swap middle of year due to administrations decisions and we failed it despite averaging mid-low 80s all year. The teachers way of teaching is eh to me personally but Nyx despite being chaotic is very agressive and easy to annoy.

Whiskey. Her names whiskey and she called someone a god damn son of a bitch.

Anyways guess who’s realized he’s part of a system and Whiskey is pretty active as much as I am. Oh boy.

I feel Liek a let down and just wanting to do what I do normally(write draw and build) feels tedious.

But sometimes I pick up new things like this Minecraft town I’m making with this mod that has prebuilt houses but I’m redoing some of them and have terraformed the land by a lot. Hell today I built some of the gardens area!

But even then in the background I felt useless to stuff I’m meant to be helping on.

Heh

Yes not remembering childhood shit is normal but also a lot of my memories even from like grade school are iffy(the iffy years being preschool to 2nd? Grade maybe third).

Also the stuff I do remember feels dream like. As if I was only seeeing from a outsider observing.