I’m sick of them judging me without trying to know me

I’m sick of my “friends” bailing on my for something better

I’m sick of my fwb, who is my only escape from reality, flaking on me

and I’m so sick of him leading me on

I’m sick of my mother finding every reason to start shit with me, then pulling the “I’m a terrible mother card” when I have panic attacks.

I’m sick of my dad not being a main part of my family because he couldn’t have handled it when I was growing up.

I’m sick of my job asking more and more of me when I can’t even handle what I’m doing.

I’m sick of school, but I have 4 more years before I’m even considered premed.

I survive every day thinking “will I ever feel alive again? Will I ever feel like I used to? Will I ever be able to enjoy driving hours away from home and look out into the nature and truly see the beauty in it that I once cherished? Will I ever see a day where I’m not completely disassociated from what’s going on?”

But when will I get to live? I don’t think I ever will. It’s been years since I’ve felt even the slightest bit “okay”. Life isn’t worth living, but would it be easier if I was dead? I don’t think so.

I’m stuck between being alive, not enjoying it, and feeling dead