homesick

“It’s been a year. A year and two weeks.” He knows that they’re both fallible but this was more than something that could just be fixed. There’s something that just isn’t clicking with Kai he thinks, probably in his rush to find what makes him happy he hadn’t thought about Caelum’s happiness and that…that scared the little prince more than anything. “And if you could? If you could really go back or forward or wherever, you’d do it? That wouldn’t be me. This is me. If you did find me, that other me then—I’d still be alone. I feel so alone.” He shakes the hand away from his back and turns to kneel down at the whining dog, she’s ever so impatient, unhooking her leash from the collar before he finds himself finally standing to look face to face with Kai. His misplaced other half.

“You should have stayed the first time you found me. You’re a coward. You’ve always been a coward. That’s not something I need in my life.” And no matter how much conviction Caelum pushes into his tone he still doesn’t believe the words that are careless and poisoned. Kai has always been on the run and for good reason and Caelum never held him at fault for it before. How could he be so ruthless now? He thinks about past confessions whispered from under sheets and how their promises soaked through to the tiles of the bathroom floor. The only witnesses were their fingers locking together and their breaths falling short. But all this isn’t just a “mistake”, it’s not something you can “do over”. It’s a betrayal. It’s a gutless apology.

The first clap of thunder rattles Caelum where he stands, feet stepping back automatically, putting distance between him and the storm outside, and the one that was spinning recklessly between him and Kai. The noise of little paws pattering against the floor is the only thing that sounds over the rain for the next few long moments. Just enough time for Caelum to feel his gut twist because even if Kai was the closest he’s been in so long it still felt like he was so distant, so far. “You already lost me once. What makes the difference if you do it again? Go ahead. Snap yourself out my life. Leave. You think I can’t survive without you? I did. You can go now. Don’t even stay on Earth. Go back home, Kai. Your time here is done.”

He winced when he heard how long it had been for Caelum. Time had become immeasurable with how much he had been jumping through it. He stopped trying to figure that part out because he had to focus on getting back to that moment. But it didn't matter, Caelum didn't see things the same way and if there was anything Kai needed right now, it was forgiveness. And a year and two weeks was far too long to get it instantly. "I thought... none of this would happen if I could get back there. You wouldn't be alone because I wouldn't have left. I was wrong," he sighed heavily and looked down at the ground. It didn't feel like he was walking into his home anymore and that fact weighed down on him quickly, making him scratch his chest to ignore the pain there.

His nails dug into the cloth of the shirt at the name. He was a coward, he grew up knowing this but it was something Caelum never called him. Late nights where Kai managed to talk about his own past, Caelum made him feel like a survivor. But people try to make the ones they love feel better and maybe a year and two weeks was long enough to lose those feelings. He pressed his lips together tightly and blinked away the stinging behind his eyes. Maybe this was just because he was hurt, Kai had to believe he still had a chance. "The first time I saw you again, you were up to here," he brought his hand up to his waist. "You were the saddest child I've ever seen. I wanted to go up to you, to make you happy, but how messed up would that have been?" he shook his head and dragged his fingers through his hair. "I saw you again, but you weren't alone," he continued grimly, eyes flickering towards the direction of the bedroom. "I couldn't accept that. I am a coward."

     “A mistake? Jesus, Kai—” A mistake would have been leaving the lights on while no one was home. Dropping his phone from the third floor balcony for a second time. Forgetting to lay out water for Mona. A mistake would have been something that Caelum or Kai could fix with an apology. This…this was a betrayal and every word that left the boy’s mouth sent pin prick after pin prick straight up the prince’s spine. How could Kai do this? How could he know all this time that Caelum only wanted him back, that he was searching for him, but still he snapped his way out of every lifetime that Caelum lived. It all made sense now. The sweet scent he woke up to lingering on his pillow in the mornings after spending the night alone. The way his notes would reappear at his desk even though he was more than certain they were left scattered on the first floor library. It made sense that every person he took to bed disappeared before the sun even rose, it’s not all too uncommon within fucking and forgetting but in the past he at least had one or two stragglers stick around for free hand outs and this time…nothing.

Caelum doesn’t want to do this. He wants to walk away and let Kai snap back into whatever reality he wanted, whatever Caelum he was desperate to find in the first place. Caelum was destroyed. He was weak and inconsolable, the knot in his stomach already vining it’s way up to encase his heart. He never felt more human than in this moment.

And being human comes with a wide array of emotions, unfortunately for Caelum, sympathy is one of them. “If you want to come inside to stay out of the rain then fine.” He knows Kai could go anywhere, snap his fingers and be out of the country even, somewhere dry, warm, more inviting. And the drop that comes falling from the unforgiving sky plants an urgency in Caelum that he can’t ignore. Mind flashing with memories of the two huddled under covers as a heavy rain begins to pick up, Kai making the odd animal noise to drown out all the roaring that shook the windows. A memory of a boy left alone and crying for his father who would never come. Another raindrop breaks him out of the thought and Caelum hands the leash over to Kai and turns, long legs carrying him back up the walkway. Part of him felt relieved, in all honesty, because if Kai were to get flighty again and want to disappear he knew that he wouldn’t do it and leave Mona stranded alone…not like he did to Caelum so many times before.

Even though he was being yelled at, Kai's lips couldn't help but to twitch up at the sound of his name. He missed Caelum's voice more than anything. And even though he missed the 'I love you's in the morning and the sleepy laughing at night, he could settle for his name. At least for now. Kai wouldn't stop trying until he got back everything he lost with that mistake that Caelum couldn't seem to understand. Kai wouldn't stop until he had Caelum back. His mouth opened and closed several times, he wanted to explain but this wasn't the place. Storms seemed to destroy Caelum's life and Kai didn't want to be associated with them. He seemed to be doing fine ruining the other without them. He looked up and felt a couple drops hit his face.

It felt so suddenly, but the leash was in his hand and Caelum's cold voice broke the storm. He was already walking back home and Kai wasn't going to waste time anymore. He followed the other with Mona trotting at his side. "That's not why I offered," he pointed out, not slowing down until they were right behind Caelum and he couldn't help but stare at his back. Those broad shoulders seemed to have been slumped and Kai didn't know if it was because of the storm or because of him. Probably both. "I haven't snapped my- since I saw you before. I haven't done it again. Because I'll probably never get it right, Caelum but I can try to fix this. What I've done to hurt you," he was used to talking a lot around Caelum but he wasn't used to doing most of the talking. He missed how he sounded when he was excited about something and then explaining it to Kai. He missed Caelum so much, but especially now even though he was so close but with his back turned towards him.

“Leave her alone. She’s not yours anymore.”

Bitter. Sour. Resentful. Caelum’s mouth carves every word with a touch of annoyance and he knows that it’s unfair. He knows that he can’t keep Kai from seeing their dog, Kai’s dog, but he didn’t have to offer up an ounce of forgiveness. That’s what he told himself anyway, since their first re-encounter. All this time the lonely prince thought that Kai would snap his way out of this reality again and search for something more suitable, that he’d be left alone again to nurse his agony with even lonelier nights. That’s why he never wanted to come back in the first place, right? Kai couldn’t get what he wanted because it wasn’t about Caelum or them anymore.

But seeing him like this brings back the memories of a missed smile, and forehead kisses, and a voice that he couldn’t stop hearing echo through the hall. Caelum’s chest isn’t sweet with warmth like it was just moments ago when he was chasing Mona past the dancing grass, it’s soaked with a cold edge now and the fingers that reach to curl around the end of the terrier’s leash feel numb at the tips. All he could think about was getting this over with as his blood rushed like the sea during a storm, quite possibly a storm that’s just as bad as the one that was closing in overhead. Dog or not, he was going back inside and despite knowing that doors hold no power to Kai he’d lock all of them and shelter himself from the thunder that would be raging outside and the lightning that would be flashing through his heart at the very same moment.

It’d be a lie if he said he didn’t want to reach out to his former lover, though, to drag his fingers down the line of his jaw and retrace his lips like all the paintings he touched in his father’s room. To him, Kai was no doubt a work of art. But the reality isn’t fading. The other had plenty of chances to return and yet he never did. In his obsession to get it perfect he instead let it all crumble right in his palm. “This isn’t your home anymore, Kai.” But it is. Caelum wants to tell him so badly that it is, that he’s home, that he never has to run again and that he can come back. He thinks of how scared he must have been alone and fleeing and trying to figure out where the hell he went wrong. For almost a year straight he imagined what it must have felt like for Kai…but that year he also knows how it felt to stay up nights on end. Crying until he couldn’t bring in enough oxygen into his lungs. Cancelling plans so that he could stay held up in his room just in case Kai returned. He knows how it felt thinking that the only person who truly loved him could have been dead. Then he thinks about how Kai was alright all this time, that he could have saved Caelum the ache and embarrassment all along. He thinks about how Kai broke the only promise he was supposed to keep and so he tugs the leash at his hand, shaking with nearly a whisper. “Come, Mona. Inside.”

He flinched at the cold tone, not used to Caelum ever talking to him like that before. Aside from their reunion, which went so much better in his head. He didn't expect to be forgiven right away, but he didn't expect to be cut from the prince's life. Even though there were times where Caelum left too, he returned. Kai didn't. Mona seemed to forgive him, her tail wagging happily and small whines escaping her as his hands still ran over her fur. It was the only warmth he felt in days. Part of him wanted to grab her and snap his fingers to try all over again, so this time he wouldn't be alone. So everything could be perfect again. But he couldn't hurt Caelum like this. Not in this timeline too. He would stay until he fixed things. And then he would never leave. "I know," his voice was thick and if he didn't shut his mouth immediately he would let out a cry. This was all without even looking up at the man he loved and hurt more than anyone else. He would never say he was very brave but he couldn't remember ever being this cowardly.

He nudged Mona towards Caelum reluctantly and shoved his hands into his pockets to retain some of that warmth. The weather seemed to go well with the tone of this meeting and how Kai had felt since Caelum turned him away. His nails dug into his palms and he hoped the pain could override how horrible he felt, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. He turned his gaze away from the dog and up into the sky, staring at a particularly dark cloud as he inhaled sharply and Caelum's next words. If Caelum didn't want him to be apart of his home anymore then ultimately he would have to accept that. But not just yet. "Look, I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I tried to fix it, but I can't. And right now it doesn't feel like I can fix us but I can't- I can't stop trying. I can't say goodbye because I don't want to. I didn't want to then either," his voice is getting shakier by the word but he's been thinking only of these moments with Caelum. He drew his hands out of his pockets only to rub his face roughly and groan. "You were looking for me- I saw the books. I never stopped. When I found you it wasn't you yet. Or it wasn't you anymore."

He knew it was wrong, to sit outside his former home and wait for glimpses of his former boyfriend. He knew he should approach Caelum to announce he was back and he wasn't going anywhere this time. Every time he aimed to get back to the moment he disappeared it was never right. After being away for so long and discovering his new ability, the hopeful reunion never came to be. Mistakes were made every single time. Caelum was either too young, unaware of Kai's existence. Or too far into the future where he probably moved on. The worst was arriving at a time where Caelum didn't even exist. Kai shook his head and leaned back against the tree he was standing in front of. Today would be the day he went to Caelum again, he was sure of it. It was the mantra he kept repeating as the prince made his way outside with Mona on a leash. Yet there were too many failed attempts to count.

The door opened and Kai straightened up, hoping he would gain some nerve when he saw him. He ached to see him smile again at him, but that would never happen if he kept succumbing to his fears. Seeing Caelum again had been so bittersweet. He got to feel his hand on his face and hear his voice again. And yet he was also shoved and told to leave. Kai would consider himself an optimist, but he couldn't be surprised by the outcome. Even though he didn't want to or mean to, he still betrayed Caelum. He swore he would never leave-