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I don't think my animal 'funerals' were really about 'honoring' the animal or giving it 'a funeral that it deserves' as a thing of respect. As death is a natural phenomenon, a part of life, the decaying body is not a waste, it is part of the ecosystem and it nurishes the soil for new life.

I always had a huge fear of death, not of my own death, or seeing dead animal remains in the woods, but of losing family and friends.

As a little kid I already had insomnia, worrying about my mom and I would ask her difficult questions before going to bed; 'What do I do when you are all dead?'

It has caused me so much suffering for so many years. I would also spend nights rethinking what-if scenarios of my beloved dog dying and I had so many nightmares of him dying a horrible death.

I think growing up in an unstable family situation, was perhaps an aspect of my way of having a sense of control over things, by worrying endlessly and grieving something that hasn't happened yet so I could prepare for the worst.

When my dog was nearing his end, I felt a lot of grief, but there was also a huge sense of relief. I allowed myself to hold him till his last breath, allowed myself to be as close as possible, all that was left was love, so much love and by accepting it and being so close to Death, I felt at peace.

Death isn't pretty or painless. It smells, it rots. We can try to make death look alive, by making a corpse all dressed up and filled with chemicals to preserve it as if they are sleeping, but I feel that is denial of the impermanence that I think we need to experience, to see the it as it really is, and that there is beauty in that.