#Central/SouthAmerica

My weekend with pet

During my week with karla, i noticed (because it was pretty obvious) that i couldnt stop talking to petrina. We were like teenagers, messaging back and forth all day, day dreaming of one another and sharing everything under the sun. I was madly in love, like fall on your face in love with this girl and a plethora of bizzare things were circling our relationship (all of them super cosmic and hard to explain) that just gave me more reasons highting the importance of this relationship at this time. After intense and hilarious conversations, a thought popped in my head, maybe id buy a flight down to KL to see her for a few days? We chatted about it, but i was still feeling hesitations, i was afraid to let go and indulge in this realtionship. My entire life, im trying to find balance, and i was afraid that i was falling too deep into desire. BUT, after some conversations, i surrendered and jumped into the pool of love and bought my flight. A few days later, after pai, i was driving to the airport in chiang mai, hopping on the plane, and arriving in KL. I couldnt fucking wait! So i arrived, and we eased gently into one another, this was the first time we’d really spent time alone together, without any other stimulation to entertain us. But we eased smoothly the first night, as we laughed and talked and eventually fell asleep. The next morning we had planned to trip together. We had spoken about stepping a bit further out into the universe and taking a tab and a half each, and then adding some mushrooms on top. So we went and got some breakfast, made some food, set some intentions, and took the dive together. I lead the death meditation for her, and it felt like a  really lovely start to our trip. And there we went, our rocket ship left the atmosphere and the next ten hours were an intense explosion of connectedness, realizations and honoring the intriguing relationship that fell upon us. There were times that we held eachother so tight, that it was like we were a meteor flying through space, inpenatrable on the outside, but safe and gentle on the inside. It was as if i had lived multiple complete lives with petrina. Each life, a completely seperate reality, similar to mr. nobody. In one life, we were two kids that met each other and were full of lust. In another, we were partners with a child, all of us covered in with shalls and warming up by a fire in the winter of northern thailand. Another life, petrina was my daughter and i was letting her know how much her mother (petrina) and i loved her. 

The trip was incredibly powerful and intense, and near the end, we became slightly more sexual. Neither of us spoke, and i noticed that i wasnt sure what she was wanting from me. There were definitly signs that she desired pleasure, but at the same time it felt like a very surface feeling. I noticed that she wasnt recipricating touch, and that although we were being sexual, there seemed to be a slight distance making its way between us. Near the end of the trip, i started thinking about some of the things i had said earlier on, and that perhaps some of the things i had said earlier, may have caused a feeling of her needing to distance herself. I tried to open up and share and process the trip, but i could see that she was holding back a bit. I told her whenever she was ready to share, id love to hear. We fell asleep and the next morning she went to shower, closing the door and i could feel a continuance of the distance. It dawned on me that only a few days before, i was wearing the mask she was wearing of distance, and now it was my turn to feel the other side. I realized then, that neither of these roles were mine to play, and that mine was a secure one, and that i wanted to continue handling the situation from a place of truth and compassion, and not from anxiety and insecurity. So i meditated a few minutes as she showered, and when she came out, i asked if could share with her. She agreed and listened intently as i explained that i had noticed my mind finding insecurities, and only weeks ago i was on the other side of the coin. I realized that while i wanted to give her love, i never want to hold her back from anything, and that i really just wanted to make the most of our short time together. I wanted to end our beautiful weekend on a note that would send us into the world feeling good, and not one of regret and feeling foolish. I wanted to face my feelings, and confront them. I told her i was sorry, cause she expressed that she wasnt great with confrontation, but if we were gonna have a relationship of any kind, this is how we gotta do it. 

Pet was incredibly receptive and opened up a great deal about how she was feeling the night before. She opened up and we talked about the lust we were feeling the night before, and how it didnt feel great, that i wanted to give her love, but it felt cheapened by lust. I pointed out that i noticed she hadnt even touched me, and while that was ok, it just felt as if i was giving and she was receiving, instead of us mutually sharing love. The day continued on and our relationship truly blossomed. I learned the importance of communicating from a secure place, of not attacking, and not trying to pin my feelings on external events occuring, rather just to express my feelings and intentions. It was truly a game changer. We had a fucking blast the rest of the day, laying together in bed, getting coldstone ice cream, and going to see the new spiderman movie. 

Spiderman was hilarious, as we didnt realize that it was a cartoon. We arrived at the theater a few minutes late, and couldnt figure out what was going on. We left the theater and asked someone if we had made a mistake but the employee assured us that we had entered the correct theater. After reentering, we did some quick google searching and concluded, that we had in fact chosen to go see an animated spiderman, but since we were already there, we might as well enjoy it. And we did. It was a fucking awesome movie. I realized that night, that it didnt really matter what we were doing, as long as we were hanging out together, i was happy. 

A beautiful weekend of celebrating ourselves, with the lovely petrina

Things i learned from my acid trip with petrina.

There was this feeling in the depth of my being, that a large chapter of my life was coming to a close, and that this next chapter was about to commence. I could feel this third of my life, the third where i was making decisions for me and only me, was ending, and i was entering a realm where i would truly feel comfortable to make desicions that considered not only myself, but also others around me. Thats not to say that that hasnt happened in the past stage, but this would be the predominant work of this stage. A stage of giving back. As if the early ears of my life were focused on taking and utilizing resources from my parents and the world around me, and then i left for israel and i started thinking about caring for myself and taking less from those around me. I focused on learning and diving into the things that were interesting to me, and filtering a many great things that were interesing and letting those core healing practices emerge organically. I now feel like im arriving a stage, where i can truly allow for opportunites to come, that will help me dive to the depths of some of these realms that ive started digging in. Whether its a 21 day meditation course, or a month long ayuhasca retreat, im reading to get deeper. In addition, my relationshpi with petrina highlighted a desire that i had for a family, one of these days, a most unconventional family, and i believe that in this chapter of life, i will start to arrive to a place of emotional stability and groundedness.

In addition, i had an interesting experience, as i was showering during the trip. I could feel, very clearly, how much energy i had been storing in my dreads. This was stale energy that id been carrying around with me, weighing down on me for weeks, through pai and chiang mai. It was a profound experience, washing away all of this old, stale energy that was no longer serving me. I cant even explain how much lighter i felt after the shower, after coming to the understanding of just how much we carry with us and within us from the past and if we dont take time to cleans and wash, it really does build up.  it was awesome (like actually awe-some)

Another huge take away, was was omni present during the entire trip, was the idea of depth. I think for my entire life, ive been searching for depth, in almost everything that i do. Ive been trying to find tools to allow myself to experience the world in a more subtle and deeper way. During the trip, i feel like a door was opened that allowed me to see just how deep things can be in relation to how deep i have been living. It was truly humbling to see just how much of the mountain i had left to climb, but to see that there was a direction and deeper conciuosness (ironically, weeks later i would start my ayurvedic yoga/bodywork therapist trainging, where i would be consistantly practicing going to the depth of myself and of the world around me.)

Indulgance vs. discipline vs. balance

Lastly, something that petrina brought to my life, was this question between when its right to let go and indulge, when its right to hold back and be disciplined and how to find the balance between them. Obviously if you are always disciplined, you lose out on letting go, and living in the moment to some degree. On the other hand, if you are always indulging, it may be harder to reach a more sublte reality, or a deeper path.

An example of this would be, if i ate the entire cake by myself, i would miss out on a much deeper experience of sharing with others (a more eudonomic happiness vs. just sensual pleasure), or i would be trading sensual pleasure for pain and discomfort in my body later on. Or very simply, giving into sensual pleasures constantly, will be atempting to fill a void, that will just grow and grow (as both max and zen buddhism teach)

Having said that, if im constantly holding myself back, i may deprive myself of the simple and beautiful pleasures of life. In my attempt to get deeper, i will miss a very important lesson, in letting go and being present with what is, in flowing with the environment vs. trying to control everything. 

Crazy time in Pai

So over the last few relationships id realized that id really been struggling with confrentation, resistance and avoidance. Id fall for a girl and over commit myself to some degree, and when i perceived that she was becoming more dependent on me than i felt comfrotable, i’d start feeling a bit trapped and try and distance myself. Throughout the process of this happening, id attempt to communicate it, but i was always focusing more on the external experiences that i thought were causing my discomfort. Shes trying to hang out too much, shes not giving my space to make boundries. Eventually i started noticing the pattern and through observing, i wanted to approach these situations (towards myself and my partner) from a more compassionate space. I wanted to come from a space that felt more like my secure self, dealing with challenges i was having, as opposed to acting through an avoidant “mask” i felt like i had been wearing. 

During wonderfruit, i had a pretty strong experience in the “distancing” realm with karla. I had met these two amazing amazing girls and i wanted to dedicate time to connecting with them. A week or so earlier, i started to feel something going on with karla. She was definitely feeling some insecurities and and our relationship got a bit heavier. I was seeing that my support was perhaps not strong enough to keep her head above water, but because we were only speaking on the phone, i didnt feel it too much. Upon arriving at the festival, i tried to express that i was a bit nervous, feeling that i may have to find a balance between attending to her needs, and my needs of connecting with these girls. I think my perfect situation (now looking back) would have been for me and karla to spend time with these girls and to be a crew, where i could be open and loving towards everyone and feel good about the balance. In the end, it felt that karla was constantly pulling my attention away, which was causing me a great deal of dissonance. I wanted to be with the girls, but i was feeling as if i wasnt free to do what felt good for me. A few days in, after a few conversations between karla and i, trying to figure out what was going on. I realized that i was feeling a great deal of resistance (which she was feeling as well). I told her, that i could see that she needed support, but this time for me to connect with these two girls was really important to me and that i wasnt willing to support her in this time and that i could give her all the support she needed when we arrived back to chiang mai after the festival. While clearly struggling, she did give me the space (guilt free) of spending time with the girls. I was very very greatful for this and ultimately that space allowed us to heal over the next week. Still though, on and off i felt as if there was a wall inbetween us that wasnt allowing for me i truly express the way i felt. I was feeling hyper critical, and things would bother me that hadnt in the past. At the end of the week, i had noticed the following things

-karla and i are very compatible in many ways

-we live very similarly, and when we’re alone, things are very peaceful and lovely

-sometimes when we’re with others, i have a hard time navigating and balancing our relationship

-when either of us are feeling off, it can be very hard to understand what the root is

-we seem to connect differently in social settings, or at least we have different ideas about how we connect with others. (i think karla may have a distorted idea of how i connect with others)

Anyway we went our seperate ways at the end of the week, and she headed towards koh chung, and i headed up to pai...

So i arrived in pai, and i was supposed to meet katy. The first evening i arrived, we met up for a christmas potluck and this (which we found out later) christian, spiritual community gathering. There were hippies everywhere and little dreaded kids eating with their parents. It was actually quite lovely. After a bit of time, i found a deep sense of distance towards katy as well. It didnt feel good to be with her, and everything felt quite flat. We both felt it and at the end of the evening, we spoke about it a bit. I told her i was working through some stuff and it wasnt her fault, but that perhaps when we met, it was just in a particular headspace that i was no longer in. The next day we decided it didnt feel good to meet up, and that i would see her before i left pai, to say goodbye.

A few days in pai, meeting some amazing and beautiful people (charlotte, hook and ting ting) really did me some good. I ended up going to a breathwork workshop and at the beginning of the workshop, she asked us what we wanted to release from us. I said distance, avoidance, resistance. During the holotropic breathing, there was a point where i saw myself, holding petrina as she was curled up, and i was crying because i just wanted to keep her safe, but i knew that i couldnt, and that i would have to let her go. Suddenly petrina changed to a child. I was holding this baby in my hands, with the same feeling as before, and a moment passed until i realized that the newborn i was holding, was myself as a child. And i cried a bit more. I truly felt, that by trying to protect myself, i was only holding myself back, and that i would have to let myself go, to experience these relationships fully in tune with myself. 

Arriving at the end of the workshop, something had definitely shifted and i could feel a lightness in my body. Little did i know, the universe is literally always present and has a sense of humor.

So later that evening, charlotte told us that she had friends performing at an open mic at art of chai. We all decided to go and when we arrived, we saw that the open mic and only just begun, so we went to grab a quick bite to eat, and then returned after. Upon our return, the first person i saw, sitting with her father, was dannah cahn. A super super weird experience in itself, just because i had no idea that she was in pai, as we werent really on speaking terms. So after an awkward embrace, i went and sat down. I got some inspiration from charlotte to lead a mini meditation during the open mic. And when i was called up to lead it, katy waltzes in this tiny coffee shop and sits down. So here i am, leading a loving kindness meditation, and two of my past partners are sitting and watching in this little tiny room. I guess the universe is telling me that  its time for me to deal with my shit.

Ok so bali’s good for the first two weeks, we have some wonderful adventures, and we eventually find our way to ubud for the first of many times, and we find a flyer for this free ocean yoga festival in amed a few days later (on the east side of the island) we’re super intrigued and we head to canggu for a few days before we go out to amed. In canggu, this wonderful girl (who will soon change my life) shows up and we hit it off. Shes orginally mexican, but she, like me, left her home country. In her journey, she moved to the states for a few years, and then flew out and has been in chiang mai for the last year or so. We sat in the pool for a bit upon meeting and spoke for a long while. It was almost a magneticism, karla and i, we just really enjoyed eachothers company. So we kept hanging out over the next few days. We slacklined, did some yoga, and really just connected. Meanwhile the gang and i went and saw FKJ, NIghtmares on Wax, and Slow Magic at this bougie festival at the W hotel and we met up with rain and fox (for the first of a few times) from the burn. The festival was hilarious, as we just got plastered and had a fucking blast, pulled some shenangigans, and were the life of the party...or should i say the life of the super fancy hotel.

Anyways we told karla about this festival we found out about and she asked if she could accompany us. It made me super happy how direct and open she was. And i remember being a bit nervous, but i wanted to let her know that i was interested in sharing a room together if she was into it. After we talked, and agreed to share a room, we all made our way out to amed on the 4 or 5 hour ride.

Arriving in the evening the hotel lost our reservations and through a 45 minute process of events, we eneded up getting upgraded to an unbelieveably beautiful sister hotel of theirs, for the same price. This place was an actual temple, It was incredible. We shouldnt have been allowed to stay there, it was directly on the beach and had 3 enormous rooms with two outdoor showers and a kitchen and living room. So karla and i got our own private little villa in back where over the course of the week our relationsihp and bond deepened as we explored each other and ourselves in the form of love making, sharing, beautiful workshops we explored and amazing ecstatic dance partys. She was a brilliant and lovely companion. She was excited to try new things, she loved meditation and she was so hilarious. She was kind and gentle and loving, and she had my back. It was the first time id ever really felt that a companion could really provide support for me too, a true partner, and equal. I very quickly fell into an ocean of love, but a love this time, without infatuation. A love with (as the community of tamera would define) my blue ball in tact, and still with me, and a love with true contact. A love that seemed to carry intention, awareness, gentleness and consideration. A love to be proud of, with no shame, guilt, fear, or demands. Would this girl play a role in my future? I didnt know, and didnt really dwell, i was just happy for the time that was happening.

 We decided, a few days in, to trip on acid together. It was ultimately a really incredible experience and i went pretty deep into my own mind. I took away a few things. First off, i deepened my connection to trees, as in many ways i felt as if i embodied a tree and grounded myself into my life and into those around me in order to support them. But i also experienced something else interesting, i felt the support of karla, it felt that because she was fully able to take care of  herself, and even had extra to give, that i could finally feel supported in my own journey as opposed to focus on taking care of someone else. It felt almost as though i was so much stronger because i had someones support behind me. This was definitely something new for me in a relationship and it became very clear during our trip together. In the past, ive been used to feeling like i am consistantly taking care of two people, and with karla, it felt as if i i both of us were watching out of both of us. At the end of the day, it was super nice that she was open to tripping and i see that the manifestation of a psychedelic lady is coming to fruition which makes me so happy and excited for the future

In the next two weeks we contintued connecting, checking in and exploring. We dealt with the challenges of me balancing my time between her and my group of friends and i learned a great deal. I learned how important a group is to me, and how hard it is for me to feel seperated while im spending in a group. I think it triggered  feelings, like i must choose between people i love, when i really love them all and i want to dedicate time and energy to everyone. I know for part of the time mikey expressed feelings of “losing” me to karla, and feeling like our trip was starting to diverge from what we had originially planned (ill go into this more in depth at a later point)

Through these challenges, we grew, and communicated and so to lighten the mood ill share some funny stories that happened along the way.

Scooter story

So one night during the ocean yoga festival, there was an ecstatic dance experience. Ecstatic dance is an awesome forum for expression through movement. Its basically a 2 hour dj set where everyone has the space to dance however feels good for them, they can do yoga, meditate, dance together, dance alone etc etc. It’s basically a space that holds the freedom to move and enjoy without alcohol or drugs. So the location of the ecstatic dance was a bit far out, but we had done some acro yoga there a few days before so we knew the route, the night was amazing and we danced our faces off, and i got a bunch of new songs via my shazam addiction. 

flash forward a few days, there was another dance party out on the beach right in front of the yoga shalla where we had danced only nights before. Because the journey was so long (30 minute drive) and it was already night time, one of our friends that we had met offered a short cut. He owned one of the restaurants in amed, blue earth, which and INCREDIBLE charcoal pizza. Like, this pizza was so good we got it seven times, thats how good it was. I would give the rest of my lifes savings, just to eat a life time supply of this pizza. Anyway, so we get this short cut where we basically drive to the beach and walk 20 minutes down the beach. We park the bike and for some reason decide to lock the key hole, just in case there are theives by the beach and we didnt want our bike to get stolen blah blah blah. So we lock the bike and something weird happens where it seemed like the lock was stuck. No worries, we headed down the beach and started our treck to the party. The walk was lovely, along the beach at night, and we finally arrived to the bonfire party combo. We stayed for a while and danced and chatted, but after a while we both felt the call to get the fuck back home. As we walked back came across some bio luminscense!! The plankton in the water was so beautiful so we played fora  bit, as it was the highlight of our evening. So we contintued on and after some time arrived to the bike which we would find out soon, was inevitably locked forever. Its not that the keyhole lock was messed up, its that the back of the key itself which unlocks the keyhole lock, was worn down and stripped. It was at that point i realized that i had no more internet on my phone plan and after about 40 mins of tryign to look up youtube videos of how to break into our bike, and about 5 people coming by and failing to help us, we decided to try and contact mikey or max to help us out. It was about 1:30am and after about 6 tries, max finally answered, thank fucking god. I tried to keep him on the phone, explaining to him the mild emergency, and thank god about a half hour later, mikey and he pulled up and took us back. After a long, exhausting evening, we slumbered into the night, gearing up for the next days journey to kuala lampur for my visa extention.

Last last lastly, we had a fun experience one evening that is particularly worth noting. We were starting to explore a bit of intimacy one evening and as we got a little deeper into it, my earing got caught in her nose ring and karla and i got stuck for like five minutes cause our faces were so close together that we couldnt see how to undo it. it killed me and heres some evidence belowww

October 2018

So its been a crazy few weeks,

We got back from the burn, mikey, jake and i went camping with jordan rabin in big basin, south of san francsico. 

We had a beautiful experience, with deep reflecting and processing. We took some psychedelics and i came away with reevaluating my relationship with marijauana. I had some time to come to terms with the fact that this substance was no longer serving me and that i am taking some space from this relationship. I had some time to connect with jake and jordan, and mikey was able to process on his own, as he took the day to stay sober, and work on himself in a clear headed way. 

It was a beautiufl day of self and group exploration, and a very good transition period

We then dropped mikey and jake off at the airport, jordan and i got some good time to hang for a minute and then i went out to vipassana, headed down to hang out with avi in palo alto and relaxed a bit before the journey 

One night after spending a lovely day with avi, i went up to jordan edelheits house. In these few weeks in san fran, i had such an incredible opportunity to connect and grow my relationship with jordan. I feel like we really had time to sink in a bit more, and i truly feel that the bond between us is one of the more beautiful and healthier bonds ive had in my life. I have so much love with her, and so we have so much depth, that i feel like i was able to swim around in the pool of love with her. It was a similar feeling to my past “in love” experiences, but i noticed, that i had very little (or no) attatchement toward her. I had nothing i wanted from her, i had no expectations, and no desire for her to be a certain way. I was just able to share love with her, it was incredible. She is such a passionate, inspiring woman, and i was blessed to share space and time with her.

On that note, jordan met a man who was been running an event for the past 10 years in san francisco, called “you are going to die”. At this event, any one in the audience, has the stage for 5 minutes. They can perform whatever is on their heart, as long as it revolves around the idea of death. In this powerful emotional experience, people share songs, poems, short stories or anything else that expresses their connection to death. Some people share about the death of an experience, or an identity; some share about the death of a car, or a loved one. Some talk about their fear of death, some dress death up to be a beautiful woman and describe a dance they once had with this woman. There are countless beautiful 5 minute incriments. The goal of this event, is to foster vulnerability and intimacy around something that we all experience. It’s to create community through sharing our fears, joys and emotions.

Jordan had attended a few of these events and really vibed with the idea, so other than approaching the guy who ran it, and proposing they work together to expand the organization, she also developed a small, more intimate spin off of the event in her home. She was living in a moishe house (a jewish co-op) where her rent was subsidzed and in return she was required to facilitate a few events a month for young jews in the area. So she decided to run an incredible event, in which i had the pleasure of attending. The event was a similar format to “you are going to die” but the topic, instead of death, was love and sexuality. 

What an incredible night it was. It was a group of about 20-30 of the most beautiful people. People wrote and performed songs, shared poetry, told stories and shared themselves, in a small living room, off the panhandle in san francisco. I asked jordan if i could share part of one of the meditations i had been doing throughout this year. She seemed a little hesitant, as she didnt know what vibes i would bring and what crowd was coming that evening. As the evening started, jordan was supposed to start us off with a little poem but she was having some jitters. I, feeling very very nervous, knew that this was my opportunity to step up, and i did. 

“Hey, ive got a meditation to share to help everyone connect and calm down, and to set the tone of the evening, can i share?” i asked.

She smiled lovingly, and introduced me, and that was that. I had my five minutes, and the beautiful, sexy, intimate night began. I am so happy to have been able to frame the evening with safe and loving atmosphere. 

About a half hour in a girl came late, and asked jordan if we had all taken mdma because we all felt so connected hahaha

I cant even begin to express just how magical those beautiful beings were, how at home i felt, and how in tune with the universe i felt.

MY TRIP! Mikey bribes a federal official

From avi’s, maytal dropped me off at the airport and i was off.

Max and D were in java, indonesia, finishing up a vipassana and mikey and i were gonna meet them and start our travels together. Plot twistttt, after vipassana, mikey told me he was gonna be on standby for the next few days because he was getting a free flight from ika, his previous lady friend. Maya faya messaged me, telling me that i should come see her in bali for the last few days of her trip. I could meet her for a few days as she moved on to australia, and i started my journey. Because i didnt wanna chill in java alone, and a guy at my vipassana told me java didnt offer a great deal for backpackers, i decided to hang out with maya for a few days. We had a nice few afternoons together, we tripped acid on the beach, talked about life, and processed her trip. Mikey was supposed to arrive the day before she left and we were all gonna do a bit of hanging for old times sake. So mikey calls me and tells me that he cant fly in until the day that maya flys out but he may be able to land a few hours earlier so we can all chill for a minute or two. 

Maya and i are a bit bummed but, at least we got our time together. So i tell maya that ill drop her off at the airport and pick mikey up at the same time. This is the plan

BUT THEN!

Mikey calls me the morning of his arrival, and tells me that he landed in the singapore airport. All seemed well until he tried to get the airline to print out his ticket. They told him he wasnt allowed to get on the flight because he has a temporary passport and he wont be allowed to enter indonesia without a special visa prior to his landing. Hes freaking out a bit (completely valid) and were trying to figure out the best plan of action. The officials told him to go to the immigration office in singapore and take out a visa, which could take one to two weeks. FUCK

My thought process was that if could just get onto the plane, and land in bali, we could figure the rest out. It would be much harder to get rid of him once he was already in the country, and either way, it wasnt illegal for him to get on the flight. so the next step, was to figure out how to get him onto the flight

our game plan was as follows: 

-try to ask another flight attendant to get him a ticket (because they might not ask for his passport)

-if that didnt work, leave the airport and come back in and try and check in, as if he had been in singapore

-if that didnt work, find him a hostel, find the immigration office and get him a visa asap

Heres what happened

Mikey asked three other flight attendants, all of whom denied him of a ticket and now knew his face. 

Plan A-failed

So we moved to plan B, but not before figuring out plan C as a back up, because mikey was running out of internet time in the airport. So we found him a prospective hostel and found the quickest route to the immigration office just in case.

So mikey leaves the airport, and enters again. He does some shmoozing with the ticketing agent and GETS A FUCKING TICKET. 

Ok so now he has to go through security, and then get passed the flight attendants, who all denied him, and know what he looks like. He manages to slip through, (at this point he’s experiencing an immense amount of anxiety)  but then ten minutes before the flight, he finds out that the gate changed. So he runs across the airport and somehow sneaks by the attendants AGAIN!

He calls me and hes on the flight, thank fucking god. So i leave to drop off maya and i wait at the airport for mikey.

I get a message from mikey while im waiting for him at the airport telling me that shit went down and that if he makes it out, he has a crazy story for me.

I wait a bit longer, nervous that mikey may not appear. But then, like an angel decending from the heavens, mikey magnificently comes out, super suspiciously and finds me. Lets get out of here NOW, he says.

As we walk out towards the parking lot, he tells me part 2

PART 2

Mikeys on the plane, and the flight attendants (who previously denied mikey) stop the plane, get on, and start looking around for someone. They walk up to mikeys row, and look at the guy next to mikey, check his ticket again, and then leave the plane. The plane is about to start moving and then it stops again, the flight attendant comes BACK ON! Goes to the row where mikey is sitting, and CHECKS THE GUY AGAIN! All without noticing mikey sitting right next to him. She says its ok, and the plane takes off, thank god.

A few other fun things that went down

We went to a little headwash spot, called astral headwash, where you get a fifteen minute head wash and massage and its amazing. I asked if i could volunteer and they said yes! So i gave little guided meditations as i washed peoples heads and minds. Such a lovely experience. (reminder for myself: connecting with the girl with dreads)

The burn was around the time that it dawned on me, that my relationship with THC was coming to an end for now. A beautiful and freeing revolation

One of our camp mates brought these hilarious little tiny hands, that you can put on your fingers, and it looks like you had a tiny hand. Needless to say, this prop became an integral part of our hilarious week, filled with bits.

And lastly, i put together these awesome mdma supplement kits, to help protect your brain againsts toxicity from the mdma. Its a kit mostly full of antioxidants and i gave them away as gifts. This was something super important to me, to be able to help people be healthier, and to educate them on responsible mind expansion. It took me HOURS to work on them. I had about 90 kits, and was planning on giving away 30 at the burn. Before i left terris house, i put an extra kit in there for myself, but this kit was marked a bit differently cause i had put two capsles of mdma in one of the little baggies. I did it jsut in case i got stopped or checked by a police officer on my way in to the burn, as everyone was on high alert. I planned on taking the packet out and storing it spereately when i arrived. Flash forward about 5 days, i had gifted about 20 or 25 of the supplement kits. Everyone was so thankful and lovely and on the night of tycho, mikey, jake and i were gonna take my mdma, but i couldnt find it anywhere. All the sudden it hit me...hard.  I had accidentally dosed one of the kits though because i hid my mdma in one of them. It was about 2am and my heart started beating very quickly. How could i have done something like this!? Everyone had trusted me!? How could i be so careless!? WHO DID I DOSE? HOW COULD I TELL THEM> WHAT WOULD THEY THINK!? I had to find everyone and tell them, all 25 people, in a festival of 70 thousand. Thank god about 12 or 13 of them were in our camp. So after a few good minutes of panic, i decided that there was nothing i could do immediately, and later that evening the moment i saw anyone i had given a kit to, i would tell them not to take the restof it, and i need to check it. THANK FUCKING GOD, pips was the first one i checked, and i found it before she dosed herself unknowingly. Everyone seemed pretty cool about it when i told them though. Most everyone was just excited about getting more mdma. In good measure, i gave her one of the capsules as reparations. Never again

I arrived late late, around 3am. I found josh, a friend of mine from midburn who had invited me to come help his camp set up a few days early, and we sat down and chatted for a bit. Over the next few days, i met a few good friends, helped people organize their camp and passed time until our campmates arrived

A few days in, yoshi, speakeasy, gadget, rain and fox showed up. They arrived in the evening and i  rode my bike over to help them start setting up a few monkey huts and shade structures. We immediately clicked. Gadget and i immersed in conversation, talked about everything. We talked about our lives and things we loved and struggles we were dealing with. We talked about everything. The six of us really hit it off, and i immediately experienced a feeling of being home, being in a community that welcomed me, and in a place where i could feel and share love. We were home

As building continued and people started arriving, jake, mikey yoshi and i started to take on the project of building the stairs for the stoop, on top of the shipping container we brought to the burn with all of our camp’s equipment. This was a four hour endeaver, but we were heavily determined to work quick. A green banana (new camp member) named hailey, showed up and offered a hand, im more handy than you think, she commented. A quick three hours flew by and we were officially deemed the “stairmasters”. It was such a good team, and we built some damn good stairs, you could jump on that shit.

There were some pretty amazing things that happened througout the week

I asked the bananas if they’d be down for me to lead an intimate meditation the second night in, and they were super open and really accepting of it. I was really excited for the meditation and i thought it would be really powerful to bring everyone together. In the end it was WAY more powerful than i anticipated. Everyone was so open and ready for it, i felt as if we were able to deepen as a collective group and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It felt so good for everyone that we ended up doing another version of it on the night of the burn, a few days later. We did the death meditation (prana yama, body scan, guided imagination and then death) and it was just so beautiful to help everyone connect. I feel like ive found my passion and it was pretty magnificent

As far as the week goes, there were a few stories worth remembering

Tycho sunrise, was one of the most increidble experiences of my burns so far. At around 4:30 in the morning at met at the end of the neighborhoods, around 10:30 and I. Once there, we saw hundreds of other bikers standing next to their bikes, covered in lights, all standing behind the dusty rhino (a beautiful white art car) playing ambient african beats. At around 5am, the dusty rhino started moving and we all started a pilgrimmage behind it. We moved as a body, together, following this beautiful moving art piece. During this time, people were lit up as they reconvened with their fellow camp mates and friends that they hadn’t seen the entire night, and everyone was hugging and peaceful. We walked for half an hour and arrived to the trash fence, the furthest out you can be from the festival. And there we laid down, almost our entire camp, tripping on mdma, and loving one another as the sun rose and we swam in the beautiful rhythms of tycho. A breath-taking sunrise at burning man.

Part one from Sf

Sf was amazing, I was there for four days gearing up for the burn and spent some time with Jordan. Her and I had such a beautiful time together and connected very deeply  and I felt that we really worked on mindful communication and I felt like I was able to practice expressing my needs in a safe container. We played and massaged and I slightly floated in love with her along the way. We went to a so far sounds which was utterly hilarious. We arrived to this lovely and quaint apartment, saw incredible music, connected with a the artists, got a huge fake jewel necklace from the first band’s lead singer, and spilled wine all over the carpet... And tried our best to clean it up. On our way home, we called an Uber and proceeded to sing Vallery by Amy wine house, at the top of our lungs in the back of the car as the next passenger entered... who immediately started snapping along and joking around with us. It was the most playful I'd been in a while.

One thing i loved about jordan, was that she loved connecting with people, and having adventures as much as me. It was so easy for the two of us, as a pair to connect with strangers, and make new friends. Shes such a light and radiant personality, it was very effortless to spend those days with her.

After those two lovely days, exploring sf, and playing freely with jordan, i went to spend a night with terri. Terri and i had a blast together and she spoiled me as we ate incredible food, drank wine, ate ice cream and helped me gear up for the burn.

During this time i found a ride up to the burn from SF, through the burning man ride share page.

Pre Burn Craziness and falling in love with camp orange (ya glad we didnt say banana???)

Summer 2018

So during camp, jake and i started chatting with alexis to see if she could hook us up with her camp at burning man. She said her camp seemed a bit too bougie for us, and she had a friend “hannah” that had a camp that may fit a bit better. As its incredibly challenging to find and enter an already tight nit and established camp at the burn, especially one that you vibe with, we were not optomistic that 3 of us could actually get in to camp “orange you glad we didnt say banana?”. Alexis wrote us literally the nicest intro descriptions possible. They are as follows:

Sam: Positive, brimming with love personality. Clutch team player. Amazing at massage. [ED. NOTE.: Dr. Canada, do they teach you guys massage in school or something???] Actively practicing mindfulness and studying alternative communities across the globe. Compassionate male feminist. Has shaman vibes that will enhance everyone’s journey on the playa. Can teach you Hebrew. This year he was part of a big camp at Midburn, Aligate, that managed the entry gate.  

Jake: Super kind, caring, protecting personality, eg he looks out for the squad on nights of adventure (water? Lights? Extra layers? Check his bag). Runs a CrossFit & juijutsu gym, strong dude who can help with building. Not that we’re being superficial, but mesmerizing green-gray eyes. [ED NOTE. This description is from Alexis. ;)] This year he was part of the same big camp at Midburn, Aligate, that managed the entry gate. Together with Sam, they are the homies. Funny, smart, loving, adventurous. & you’ll have somewhere to stay in TLV and at Midburn.

After the intro, hannah (lambchop) and i started speaking and after about 10 or 15 back and forth voice messages, to feel each others vibes, WE GOT ACCEPTED! We were so excited, this camp seemed like such fucking homies. Jake and i convinced mikey to come and I remember talking to both of them on the phone, curious as to how this camp would affect our burn, and perhaps the rest of our lives. I mean, at that time, we had no idea what was in store for us.

A few months later, i found this email exchange from hannah and camp orange, trying to get us from the waitlist, to official members in the camp. Such a homie:

I'm overjoyed to report that the Israel-based bros on the wait list are S-U-P-E-R stoked on us. They meet all our criteria: "dyin' to go, ready with their dues, itchin' to get involved, can be there for build/breakdown, and seem truly ON OUR WAVELENGTH.* (See below for examples. lol)

The only reason I'm reaching out with one final email on this is: due to a miscommunication between me/Alexis/them, it *might* actually be 3 of them, not 2. They have one other friend named Mikey and he's not 1000% sure whether he can come yet, but IF he can, then his 2 friends are not going to leave him homeless. So we would need to be OK with potentially taking 3 instead of just the 2 that y'all have already approved. Since we are currently at 34-35, adding 3 more would put us at 37-38 (or 38-39 if Cheshire's friend wants to come too?) -- still under 40. Thoughts??

Beyond just "staying under 40," my understanding is that the overarching concern about being a bit heavy on new folks this year stems from worry over potential loss of camp culture / camp values / that sense of super-strong rock-solid community. We ALWAYS want to be a tight-knit camp where we all know each other, love each other, eat dinner together every night, sling bananas together, roam the deep playa together with Dusty Rhino... etc. My opinion on this, which I know I've shared but will repeat briefly, is that there's no inherent difference between "old" and "new" members -- we just need people who are gonna truly understand our vibe. And speaking to the yellow spotty moldy bananas -- it's our responsibility to make sure our green bananas are inculcated with our values and are excited to live them. AND are fully aware of the expectations of them, and what they can expect in return. From committees/pre-work, to build, to bananas, to breakdown -- and beyond. I promise to ensure that these greenies understand all of that & more.

Please let me know what you guys think. LOVE!!!

Lambchop

*I wish you all could hear the audio message that Sam just left me on WhatsApp. The more I tried to scare him, like, "we have more work shifts than other camps, we want more of a sense of community, we'll need you for build/breakdown, etc.," the more he loved it. He literally was like "I hate to sound cliche, but my favorite part of last burn was my work shifts, and I can be there a WEEK early to build." LOL. In sum: they are crushin' on us hard, can't wait to work, and are ready to pay. I am super excited.

Lambchop

Needless to say, as we started getting involved with the camp, we liked them more and more and the third night i was there, 4 of the first bananas arrived to the burn, so i rode over to help start setting the camp up. I met gadget, speakeasy, yoshi, fox and rain. I quickly fell in love with all of them, and got SO FUCKING HYPED for the rest of our adventures that would soon unfold during the week.

A few good videos from camp, workin in the kitchen with a hilarious 4th kitchen crew

Throw back to GUCI

June-August 2018

Soooo camp....

was camp as per usual. Sedona, daniel, julia and i were one of the strongest co-groups i had ever been a part of. We worked our ass off all summer and loved our kids so dearly. I learned so much from them it was incredible.

Daniel and i got so close, and i was so proud to see how he had developed as an adult. He taught me some beautiful lessons, and both kept me in check on a daily basis, challenged me, but also encouraged me to push myself. A True friend

Sedona and i explored new parts of our relationship and faced our challenges together and both in the beautiful, as well as the more challenging times, i believe that our relationship developed and grew in a way that i felt very good about.

The first week into camp, i had asked to lead a workshop on authentic connecting, support, and compassionate communication. I loved the workshop and it went WAY better than i expected. This was the first step in an epic journey that was to come.

After the workshop, i started getting requests from counselors to lead meditations for their cabins and units. I did some planning and working, and drew up a few meditations that felt really good for me. One was a regression meditation, one was a death meditation and one was inspired by the aum meditation that i did at zorba.

Throughout the summer, i lead about 15 different meditations and workshops, and started to notice how happy sharing these workshops had made me. I was so fulfuilled with sharing this passion that it pushed me to apply to lead a workshop at burning man, at camp contact. By the end of this summer, i felt as if i had found a path in life that i was ecstatic about.