you were my safe place

“Explain Freud’s structural model of the psyche”

brain: do you have your wallet?

any advice for someone who isn't really that interesting?

my body: i need fruits and vegetables… please i’m begging you

you were too scared to say what was on your mind, you were too scared to do the thing you loved, you were too scared of other’s opinions, you were too scared to kiss the girl you liked, you were too scared to strip yourself bare, show yourself at your rawest and purest moments. you were too scared to take risks, you still are, you take them anyway.

you’re no expert when it comes to intimacy, when it comes to tangling your bones with the bones of another, when it comes to not knowing where you start and where she ends, when it comes to tracing soft skin and soft lips with your fingertips, with your lips, hands trembling, lips quivering, cautious and careful, as if you just might break her, and she just might disappear if you press too hard, if you go too fast, if you become too eager, after all, you’re well-known for being a screw up, for ruining beautiful things, just by looking, just by touching, but you’d be damned to hell, if you ever harmed her.

when you entered first grade you were a tiny thing with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, shining with curiosity and wonder at all the kids you’ll meet, befriend, play with. little did you know back then that kids could be cruel too. they made fun of the way you dressed, how your blouse was a bit bigger on you, how your jeans were a bit worn out on you, how your shoes were a bit muddy on you, how your voice trembled a bit when you were nervous, how the gap in your teeth was a bit too big and too noticeable, how when you smiled big and wide it was a bit, too ugly for their liking. kids were kids, cruel or nice or gentle or rough but, that was the first time you hated yourself.

she whispered ‘i love you’ in your ear and your heart clenched with regret because you were unable to love her too. you had to watch her pained and defeated expression at your silence and you wished nothing more than to say it back to her. you wanted to make her happy, see her smile so bright, brighter than the sun like she always does when she was around you instead, all you could do is whisper 'i’m sorry’ to the empty space that once was occupied by her.