Helplessly Hoping

Since a few weeks I’m working again and it just is so hard i work at an hotel and everything always has to be perfect there and as an employee u always have to be soo happy and kind and friendly and smile all the time, i love my job i really do but i just don’t have the energy to be like that anymore but no one understands it because it’s ‘normal’ to work so much and everyone has there ‘garbage’ to carry, i understand but it really just is too much for me right now

Normally i have 9/5 job but my chef wants me to give up my free days and work 6 or 7 days a week and 10h a day like i did yesterday but on Wednesday - my free day i have therapy so i don’t really wanna miss that but i also don’t really wanna go to therapy anymore because i feel like she isn’t kinda really helping me and it’s really expensive tbh i live on my own so it’s really hard but i need help i really need help because my depression ed and suicidal thoughts are so loud right now

My best friend is also really sad and kinda puts a little pressure on me because she wants to party every weekend wants to go out have fun and just do what young people in my age would normally do and she feels like her time is fading away and all that, yeah i have the same feeling but i just can’t do it all anymore I don’t want to drink cause of the calories, i don’t want to go out, meet new people, or talk to people i just don’t want to do it and i really don’t have the energy to do that after 10h of working with people i just don’t want to see anybody, it isn’t fun for me and i feel sad that she doesn’t really understands that just because she never had to deal with mental illness, i mean i’m happy that she hasn’t cause it’s really shitty but she just doesn’t understand how hard it can be.. besides always being available at work and always being available for my friends i also wanna see my family sometimes, spend time alone, also go to the gym and do my workouts so i finally will loose some fucking weight but also have to do some work at home cleaning and all that stuff, grocery shopping and just everything but i honestly just want to lay in bed all day cause i don’t have energy for anything anymore I’m just so stressed and don’t know what to anymore.

I‘m in therapy since 3 months now and really try to recover since a month, then the extreme hunger and binging came & of course the bloating and discomfort afterwards, I’m still trying to compensate it with extreme exercise and purging so atm it is like a back and forth between trying to recover and starving again cause of the guilty feeling bloating and the weight gain, i really don’t know what to do anymore. Like i said in an earlier post is my first doctor appointment on the 20 July so i feel like i have to get thinner so the doctor sees that i‘m sick but at the same time this just doesn’t feel right … the permanent battle in my head is so exhausting

Ana is hard, but trying to get out of that shit is a fucking challenge i feel like i‘m not ready for