my feelings

it’s always been you, even when i didnt want it to be, even when it broke my heart over and over again. its just always been you

Sunday… nothing happened. Mike dropped me off birthday Starbucks. Then me him Lilly and Carin went down o see uncle Joey (greg son) and then we all went down to ride aid and I scared mike he will never get in the car with me again. That’s Sunday. Be good. I love and miss you   Your tadpole

Party day it was amazing. A lot of people came and everyone had fun I got to see my niece nephew and sister. We did everything under the sun. It was so much fun. You honestly missed out. I got to drive from home to giant eagle and I did amazing so fuck you. You missed out. I’ll send you pictures. B e good hoe. I love and miss you   Your tadpole

Late on my letters again. Friday was way birthday. Walked in everything was fine. I got to homeroom got sent up to the office. It wasn’t even my birthday fro an hour ( was born at 6:42 AM) and I started crying. My dqaqd and grandma dropped cards off at mu school the day before. I’m literally traumatized. I’m on constant watch at the school now and everyone isn making sure I’m safe. I went to three class periods that day.  Left early to get my permit and I passed. Came home and ya. That was my 16th birthday. Definitely one I won’t forget… I hope you’re being good snd I hope your 16th will be better than mine. I love and miss you   Your tadpole

Okay I’m all caught up on letters and I feel better now. I got your letters today and wow. I don’t even remember a single thing I wrote you. You got my birthday wrong it’s not the 23rd its the 22nd you asshole. Honest;y letters from you where the last thing I needed his week. I honestly didn’t even expect you to write back. It’s hard to picture you being home. I can’t even begin to imagine it. I’m scared for when you come home. A lot has change and a lot has happened and I’m scared I’m not gonna like the new you or that you haven’t actually changed at all and I just don’t want to deal with the drama of you coming home. I also just want us to be friends you come home. Friends first, always. If time and all the other shit is right then maybe new ill date. But when you come home friend first. Anyways I’m tired I didn’t have school today but I’m tired. So fuck you bitch. Be good and stay good stupid. Good night sleep tight and don’t let them damn bed bugs bite. I love and miss you  Your tadpole

Wednesday. Went to school struggled the whole day. Last day of the marking period and my lowest was a 34 and my highest was a 91 and the average was 80 something. Came home they wouldn’t let me do the one fucking birthday cake I wanted which was drake ratchet happy birthday with his album cover and I cried. I forgot about pictures and told my mom I needed to pay them off and we got into a fight thew hole dance class. I cried three times. Mike called me between hip hop and lyrical and helped calm me down. Came home took ibuprofen and passed the fuck out. Thank god I didn’t have school today. Be good and stay good. I love and miss you  Your tadpole

Tuesday I went to go look at the places or my party and it is so small. Mirrors on half the walls. One is glass and the other has. tv. I’m so worried it’s going to break. I’m really upset with how small it is. It’s all the way out in tj too which is bullshit. I wish they weren’t having a stupid fucking seminar. It’s my 16th too. I’m just really disappointed. I guess that will teach me not to get my hopes up. I’ve been so emotionallydrainwed. Almost done catching up though I have 2ednesday and that’s it. Be good. I love and miss you  Your tadpole

Monday. Gyro. Switched my birth control pill. Got Air Force ones, a lanyard for my keys and wallet. Came home chilled out. Went to dance and cried again because I’m struggling in tap. I work so hard and practice all the time. ‘M just not good enough. I want to be an actual dancer when I grow up. Maybe broadway maybe shows and movies. I don’t know. But I want to be famous I guess. Came home from dance showered and went to bed super fucking early because like I said I’ve been out of it all march. Oh and pictures are next week and I have nothing for them. I’nm ending my life. Wish me goo luck Charlie. Be good and stay good. I love and miss you   Your tadpole

Sunday is a blur. I can’t remember anything but I remember crying myself to sleep. Don’t even ask couldn’t begin to explain to you. I’m just glad I have Carin and mike in my life. They help me so much. Anyways that’s Sunday nothing and crying. Be good. I love and miss you   Your tadpole

Okay Saturday. Um I have no fucking clue. I think my backdrop for my party came in that day. It came in sometime last week. I don’t fucking know I think mike also took me to the store too. No clue. Be good and stay good I love and miss you   Your tadpole

I can’t remember SHIT from Friday. I probably came home and took a nap I don’t fucking know. Be good asshole I love and miss you   Your tadpole

Okay I know it’s been a week since’ve wriitten an email. March ha mentally and emotionally taken it out of me. You can’t even begin to imagine shit I’ve gone through this month. I just needed some time to chill the fuck out. Honestly you have been the last thing o my mind lately. Don’t take it the wrong way but it’s true. Anyways I’m going to catch p then last week of my life day abby day as much as possible. This would have been Thursday the 14th letter. I can’t remember shit I told you but I stole cones for practice driving and ya that was what happened I transferred them from my moms car to mine and ya. Be good and stay good I love and miss you   Your tadpole

I stayed home Wednesday bu I probably could’ve gone to school. I also missed dance which made me really upset. Probably better I didn’t though. I had pizza and wings which made my day better. Be good. I love and miss you   Your tadpole

I’ve been really sick so it was hard to work up the strength to write a daily email. Anyways today is Saturday and I haven’t written you since Monday night. I needed up staying home from school Tuesday and going to the doctors. I got tested for strep and mono but both came back negative, but I always test negative for strep. They thought I just had the flu and they where probably right my had hut really bad and runny nose sore throat coughing sneezing dizziness everything. I wouldve4 gotten tested but cp doesn’t carry flu test so. But I got a note for Tuesday and Wednesday so this good. Anyways be good. I love and miss you   Your tadpole