Pieces of Celine

if only the clock struck that grin off your face

write down my jaw line all your twisted desires.

pin the sheets like broken glass shattered as memories flood against your skin merged into mine.

water falling as time bites the dust.

I often wonder if I am a mother enough?

she looks up with me with her beaming eyes,

as if I’m telling her a surprise,

she laughs and giggles like oxygen depends on it.

just like that, another year here.

champagne bottles line the memories,

like lipstick stains on glasses, popping memories like the pounding in my head.

like glass leaving water stains on the kitchen counter.

write to me at the end of the day to tell me the demons have vanished,

eight whole weeks we’ve been all together,

still trying to grasp the emotions, I am a mother.

our lives before you seem small and gray,

the rainbows on your onesie paint the stage, for all you have given us,

write the words I only once stammered.

I am going to be a mother.

the waiting game, each day,

praying to god like never before,

get me through these next four weeks.

so I can see our sweet baby across the black and white screen.

emotions run like roller coasters, thick and hot like summer heat,

emptiness as time fills the spaces.

hover over me like a spark of hope,

the nightmares are back,

shuttering as a flash takes me back,

each and every time I close my eyes,

I watch over and over again as I see your soul passing by.

strip these sheets like flesh on bone,

stepping up the stairs like stones of whiskey in the bottle,

like jumping fences on the night skies,

did my heart become a stone in the tall grass?

as if I thought connection through flesh would hold the gates open.

click my shoes on the hard wood floors fifteen times,

then I can smell the church in which I realized I grew out of.

as if through acceptance of the world my mother painted for me,

was an escape for the carbonated emotions I have been leaking through the cracks in the roof,

held out my hand for the woman I dropped at the front door,

kisses slide in like a skipped beat,

no one ever asks how time slows down,

until the haunting plows through intimacy,

white dress, navy suit,

I do, I do too.

I love you like an ocean wave, through highs and lows, tide changes and stormy seas,

You are mine until the end of time.

why does no one ever talk about how marriage is scary?

how you’ve spent the last 27 years of your life being Celine Dagenais,

only for two “I do’s” with no objections will make you Celine Wyckoff.

long gone will be the days of people groaning when they have to spell my last name,

who knows maybe the Celine Dion jokes will bury themselves,

and why in the fuck does no one talk about how you feel like you’re losing your identity?

I love matt more than words, we have made this house our home but I feel as if my life is about to change in monumental ways.

maybe I feel as if by ditching my family name makes me less connected, as the only girl, the only one to change their name makes me sad.

while you could argue I could hyphen, Dagenais-Wyckoff is a mouthful and a half.

I’m not scared to marry just to lose myself completely even though matt and I have been our own family for some time now, I just don’t want to lose the parts of myself which tie me to my parents, for one day they’ll be gone and part of me will die inside