Delirium

I shouldn't wish James was dead, but I do. I don't understand how one person can be such a horrible human being. It's beyond my comprehension how one person can contain only negative qualities. I genuinely hope that next time you go on a drinking binge, you drown in it, dad.

Every time I start to feel better about my weight, she has to remind me that I'm disgusting. I was always small. Always under 108 pounds. At my smallest, 78. That was in 2012. It's been a few years of recovery. Learning to enjoy my food again. Learning not to think about the number on the scale. Right now, I weigh 130 pounds. I'm 5'6, so that's within the average range. Something I've never been in. It's been a struggle. I fight the feeling that I'm fat and disgusting every single day. I fight the impulse not to eat. I fight the impulse to throw up my food. I fight, tooth and nail, to be a whole person. But the second I'm around my mother again, it starts. I was helping her clean out her pantry today. Trying to be a good daughter. Just trying to be helpful. What comes out of her mouth? "You're really getting as fat as a cow, aren't you?" With a laugh. Just casual conversation. Like it was nothing. It's 3:07, and I haven't eaten yet today. I was planning on eating tonight. But I guess that won't be happening. Thanks, mom.

Please, just... Leave me alone.

Depression.

#takeyourmeds2017