I know what you mean. My entire life, I’ve pretty much taught myself to grow up and the mere idea of belonging to someone freaks me out a little bit. Almost like I’m scared of having someone in my life who I need just as much as they need me. After a while, the entire game just gets so..frustrating. Going out, in search of the perfect guy, or girl in your case, or really, just anyone, you flirt, buy a couple of drinks, trying to pretend you’re not completely fucked up inside, go on a date while acting the opposite of yourself just to impress someone. You put in the time and effort to get to know them, faults and all; pull out your best stops in bed in hopes they’ll think you’re the best sex they’ve ever had only you’re too stressed out to fully enjoy it, seeing movies you hate with sappy and happy, predictable endings, go through the torture of meeting the parents, all to have it fall apart and then you have to start all over again. I’m tired of it. I’ve been in love only twice in my entire life. You know, a whole first love type of deal, and a true love deal. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, let me tell you that. Especially not with the guys I dated. They were practically my best friends since we were five years old, well one, the other was my nemesis, but anywho; inevitably, once we hit our teenage years everything played out, my best friend and I having a puppy love romance until he turned my world upside down by making my father disappear again and after a summer apart, rejecting me for a new girl who came into town and then I, fell in love with his best friend, my nemesis, senior year of high school, who proceeded to dump me at prom two months after taking my virginity. We’re all still pretty good friends but it’s…a mess. The two guys still have this rift between them, though, and it’s pretty much my fault, you know? I think after this current guy in my life is gone, I’m swearing off love. Who really needs it? I think it’s completely insane you can have a deep conversation with complete strangers and don’t feel judged but the second you talk to someone you know, you’re not as open. You’ve honestly lived the life and I’m completely jealous now.
I think that belonging to someone is a bit weird. I mean, I've met people who fall for someone so hard to the point where they lost themselves in the process of trying to keep the person they loved. I've just never understood how people could just give up who they are to keep someone who might not even stay in the long run. You know, it makes me wonder if it's all worth it. If the whole love thing is worth it. Honestly, I am just not sure if I will ever find the right person. I mean, what does the right person even mean? I think it might just be some weird idea that society has planted into our minds, but you know, it might not even be a real thing. If anything, it's just another load of bullshit to get us to buy into the idea of monogamy. I mean, if anything, I'm completely fine with just sleeping around. Though I guess the whole girlfriend thing has ruined that for me. I mean, I think that maybe falling in love and being with one person forever is right for some people, but I just don't know if that's what I want for my life. It's just so much easier to not have emotions and to just be passionate about someone for one night. Looks like you've gotten to experience two teenage girl novels. Falling for your best friend and falling for your nemesis. The closest thing I had to love was when I was fucking this girl and we had this friends with benefits thing for a little over a year. I could have sworn I was in love with her, cause it was the most serious thing I'd ever have. But in the end, she just wanted something more serious and she didn't think I was ready for that, even though I was fully open to it just for her. She didn't believe that, though, so she just moved on. Lucky you for still being friends with them, though, cause she hasn't talked to me since then. Then again, I think it's better if I didn't talk to her because actual, real feelings might come back. I doubt it's your fault. I mean, I'm sure that the breakup happened for a reason. Some people need love. Maybe some time down the road, I will. I don't think it's insane. I think it's nice and refreshing. I feel like it's because we always try to impress the ones close to us, so we change into someone else. With strangers, there's always the possibility that you'll never see them again, so who cares if they know your business? Hey, if I ever go out to travel again, I'll make sure to invite you too.














