Noah Kahan
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@wouldntlastaminute
i've never been so fucking hurt by someone in my goddamn life. i told you how you've made me feel and all you could do was throw it all back in my face and make me feel even fucking worse and not even listen. it was never even about having other friends, it was about feeling like you were pushing me away because you got along with them better, having me tell you that, and then you completely brushing that off.
lost my best fucking friend. great.
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honestly, let things be the way they decide to turn out, however they decide to turn out. i'm focusing on getting back to a good space mentally and emotionally, I'm not gonna let anything or anyone get in the way of that. can't be concerned with petty bullshit anymore, it's too goddamn draining. feeling too much negativity coming off of others is the biggest turn off ever. don't need it.
🤗
live update: things were better between us yesterday and it feels like maybe something is changing for the better so maybe the world isnt ending! imagine that!
someone tell me what to do in this entire situation. I don't know what's right or wrong, what's a good or bad solution. I don't know. tell me what someone is supposed to do when their own wife doesn't even want to have a real conversation with them anymore. tell me what someone is supposed to do when they feel so far away and no matter what you do or say they dont come back, what's someone supposed to do when you try to talk to them and they don't respond. when you try to be close to them and it feels like they don't even want to be anywhere near you. when it feels like they dont even LIKE you anymore. what is someone supposed to do after telling that person ALL of that, and still nothing changing? what do you do when you tell that person what's been going on in your head and what you've been struggling with and they dont even respond to it? when you try to explain a mental illness that you struggle with day in and day out to them and they literally don't say a word while you've been supporting them through their own illness and struggles? when it doesn't even feel like your own spouse wants to put in effort, what then? when you support them and try to tell them you love them more than anything in the world, but it feels like they dont hear it, then what? what the fuck do you do? give them space and let them come back to you when they actually want you again? stick around and deal with feeling more like a friend to your own spouse rather than a husband? what the fuck does anyone do in this?
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yall gon make me kill myself for real for real @ gossip
and that's the last real post yall gettin from me so have fun!
i guess i've kind of come to terms with some changes that have happened over the past month or so. my head's been a mess and my emotions all over the place, but i think now i've kind of had a breakthrough and i've figured out the way i've been living and dealing with my emotions and shit just...doesn't work for me. i can't just "feel everything and let it pass", it fucks me up far too much and it honestly never passes for long. it always comes back. i think the relatively "new" craig from these past couple years just isn't me. i don't have everything figured out about myself like i thought i did. i'm not this calm cool collected guy, i never really will be. i can't just go with the flow of my emotions because now i realize if i keep doing that it's more than likely gonna kill me.
it's hard when your own fucking personality is the issue. when that's the disorder and that's what's making you sick. but it's cool. i just need to go back to how i used to be, it's like i've been putting on a front for the past couple years of my life trying to convince myself i was different. but it wasn't me. the old craig is me, that's who i'm supposed to be in order to survive mental illness and survive my own head. and that's not a bad thing. if it's gonna help me fucking survive and not be how i have been these past couple months, why would that ever be bad? i just need to get back to being old craig. confident, independent old craig. take whatever meds that i know i need when i fucking need them craig, not when a goddamn doctor tells me to.
i'll be good. shit's different now and that's ok. i know how i have to handle it now.
feels weird to like...kind of be replaced in your life. don't really know how to feel about it.
"here let me get drunk first even though I know you're having a bad night and THEN I'll come spend time with you since you need me"
don't even really know if i'm surprised or not that this was your response.
i bet like.........i could just sneak out at the party tomorrow night without anyone noticing and go off myself somewhere
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dunno if i'll even make it to next month.
over sensitive. impulsive. overthinker. paranoid. moody. split. i don't want to be any of these things. i'm too deep in my head every single day and it's fucking exhausting by now, it's been like this constantly with no breaks for a month now and i'm sick of it. i don't want to worry anymore. i don't want to feel like i'm not doing enough. i don't want to feel hopeless and helpless anymore, i'm tired of it. i wanna feel good, genuinely good. but i don't. and i don't see it fucking ending anytime soon even though i'm trying so, so goddamn hard to be positive and optimistic but...it's fading. the anxiety is getting worse and my brain is getting worse and the paranoia and wonder aren't stopping. and it's all on me, no one else. i don't deserve it. i don't deserve to feel like this, i don't fucking deserve to be sick in the head. i'm so goddamn tired of it. i'm tired of being sick. i'm tired of my illness fucking things up. i'm fucking tired and worn and drained and i don't want to fucking do this if this is all i'm going to keep feeling. i'm tired of trying to be positive. i'm tired of forcing myself to be happy. i can't fucking do it anymore. i can't.
thank you for being there and caring. for being a good friend.
it was genuine, i honestly felt like an idiot for the way i behaved and felt like apologizing for the way I went about things was the right thing to do. sorry if you don't want to accept that. 🤷🏻♂️
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i worry about you sometimes.
i just feel......like i'm kind of replaceable. like people only come around and are my friend when it's convenient, but i'm not actually that important to them. i feel like i'm there for a lot of people and i don't really get that back except from maybe 1 or 2 people. i feel like a lot of people mean a lot to me but i'm just another acquaintance to them. i feel like i put in more effort than i receive. i feel like i'm forgettable, and a joke. i don't really feel like i'm anything but someone just floating around, in and out of people's lives when they want me and then i'm just.......here. i don't know.