>:)

a) he has no idea that that's what he's got going on. he knows of the terms but he's got some subconscious queerphobia going on and feels like those words are only for purple haired teenagers. and he's in favor of purple haired teenagers, but that's still for Other People, it would never in a million years apply to him.

b) his "leaf in the stream of creation who just kinda does what other people ask him to" attitude extends to his interpersonal relationships and he very much has always fallen victim to the mindset that he needs a "good reason" to refuse someone romantically or sexually. mostly this means he's had a lot of pretty miserable experiences that were uncomfortable and felt bad but where the other person didn't actually do anything wrong, everything was completely above-board and as it "should" be and he still haaated it. his takeaway is that relationships and intimacy are inherently unpleasant for reasons he can't describe and in a way that he can't alter, so he'll just silo himself away from getting close with people to avoid the risk.

ow fuck ow stupid fucking evil killer bees coming at me from every angle jesus christ for fuck's sake harrow why have you not lifted a single weighttttt OUGH and that's a sword right through my me and by my me I mean your you

inconsolable despair from feelings of rejection and worthlessness

i'm going to be a bit of a pedantic fun ruiner and say that rocky just doesn't qualify for sainthood - and that's a good thing. the reason that you can sincerely call grace things like "the patron saint of one-way trips" with a straight face is because he is straight up violently sacrificed (both as a consequence of the project being a suicide mission and in the sense that the induced amnesia strips him of his former identity) and raised up in order to perform a miracle that will save humanity from an apocalyptic event of legitimately biblical proportions. for a cause named after one of the most famous sacrificial religious figures in all of human history, no less. it's an almost absurdly and rather horrifyingly literal take on the prayer for divine intercession "hail mary, full of grace". it's a catholic's wet dream.

rocky is... not that. rocky and his crew were never meant to be on a suicide mission. nobody was supposed to die at all. rocky is, in fact, the sole survivor. there is something to be said of the blip-a, with its intricate, almost unbearably beautiful cathedral-like structure that refracts and radiates light, singing as it soars through the skies, chasing grace playfully and sending him messages across the void as if to say "be not afraid", being evocative of the angelic, and something to be said of the eridian language being made of music; of rocky being able to use this to communicate with an alien megastructure in order to fly through time and space. rocky feeling compelled to fulfil his purpose to the point of spending nearly half a century alone rather than returning home, and push the boundaries of possibility itself to "fix" as much as he can. but rocky isn't an angel, either.

there is, however, something else that is a significant recurring motif in religious mythology and folklore across a variety of cultures throughout human history, but not exclusive to any one of them. something that travels across the universe, enduring the centuries, singing all the while, and bringing comfort to those who need it even when they have nothing else left. what do we call a rock in the sky, too blisteringly hot to ever touch even if we could close the immense distance between us, that burns itself up to show us the way home?

truth over solace in lies

finished one of the most amazing reading experiences in my recent memory! these two are my very favourites.

kill astrophage