This IS the Life!

Kinda over the bot deluge…

Gonna take a break…

Ok, so not on break any more. But getting way more practice blocking bots than I wanna!!!

Friday, my dad was moved to memory care. My parents have been married since 1962. And now, they’ll probably sleep together again.

Dad has dementia and for the most part is very pleasant. He’s had some bad moments, but I think taking the thousand mile look, it was him getting scared by his own mind and lashing out. Understandable when you look at it that way.

Mom has always been about control. That’s what drove me away for sure. Not long, just 6 months. But when you’re only a 30 minute drive away and deliberately don’t make contact, not ideal.

So she’s been struggling with this time a lot. She’d get frustrated with him and fuss. Pretty much her usual habit. But now, with dementia, dad’s reactions were bigger. Hell, he’d actually answer back. Previously he’d just tuck his head and shut his mouth.

Mom was pisssssssed about this move. Certain more could be done to get him back to normal. Certain they’re doping her at Assisted Living, they’re not, she’s getting her heart, cholesterol medicine and stuff for her potassium levels. I’ve seen the full print out of what she gets. She turns 83 this year. She’s stressed and tired and those two things alone are enough to make you feel like you’re in a fog. But she WILL NOT hear it. Anything outside of what she says is received as turning against her, turning against family.

Yesterday, I took mom to find chairs for each of their rooms and other goodies. By close to the end of our day, she quietly said, “I miss him.” The only acknowledgment I’ve heard that dad isn’t entirely there from her. She quickly recovered to keep telling me about all the people not treating them well and taking advantage of them. But there was a moment.

Dad I was expecting to have a real issue. Fortunately, he was very calm. He was showing more of his outgoing self. I’d like to believe, there’s a part of him that understands this is for the best.

Dad’s dementia has been an adjustment. It’s not a linear progression though. There are times he seems almost normal. Then you realize he’s covering. Other times it’s pretty obvious as he babbles along. When I visit, for the most part, he’s pleasant and wants to have conversation.

Mom has had the biggest struggle. Her rock has been deteriorating before her eyes. I can’t imagine how painful that’s been. Especially as she ages and her own health declines. It doesn’t help that her baseline mood is a step away from anger at all times. Plus sprinkle in some paranoia, which plays very well with dementia.

The rough part of this trip is, the ALF wants to separate my parents. Dad needs more attention than assisted living can give because he keeps trying to walk when he can’t any more, so he falls. They need to move him to memory care.

And mom is going to meltdown.

And she’s going to blame me.

It doesn’t matter where any fault lies. I’m going to blame me too. I’ve been trained well.

Finally showed my parents the Emmy I got this past year.

I don’t post a lot.

My life nor wit is that interesting. I’m a normal guy going through normal life stuff.

My parents are in their 80’s and dad has dementia. Mom is coping, best she can.

I convinced mom, with the help of docs, to move dad, and her by happy happenstance, to assisted living.

I didn’t understand all that went along with that. Now I have better understanding.

I’ve tried since COVID to move my parents near me, as the only child. Mom would be in support of that to my face, but couldn’t conceive of that loss of control. So they are 4 hours away as opposed to 2 or 1.

No one can really prepare you.

There is guilt, sadness, depression and so much more.

I moved away for my sanity if we’re honest. Now the pervasive feeling is guilt for being away.

The reality is, aging parents are hard. For anyone who is primary or only.

Please give those folks grace. I’m single and don’t want to burden anyone with my reality. I realize I have walls I didn’t have before.

You want to love but don’t want to burden. But this, truthfully is a burden that folks have a concept of, but can’t understand until they’re in it. I didn’t know, but thought I did.

This past Wednesday night was the worst I’ve seen of dad when the sundown dementia demon took hold. It’s a good thing I paid attention when my co-worker told me about her father being so challenging, he had to be locked in a room by himself. On Wednesday, when my dad needed to go to the bathroom after a lot of unsuccessful attempts that day (turned out to be a urinary tract infection, UTI), two nurses came in to help him. His balance is not good due to the stroke, but it was also uncomfortable to stand due to needing to pee so badly. But once he was gotten up in the Sara Stedy, a switch flipped. He was convinced we were taking him to kill him. Me and the two nurses.

So my dad, a man I don’t remember ever hitting me for discipline or in anger, punched me in the mouth. And then tried to punch the 5 foot 2 nurse. I stopped him, thankfully!

After that point, nothing could calm him down. He was certain I wanted to kill him first his money, and after the nurses helped, I’d kill them too.

It was surreal seeing someone who had said multiple times earlier that day that I was their favorite kid, etc, then saying I was a killer.

The punch was more a shock than painful. And the whole events of that evening cemented for me, dementia is an evil disease. The person who has it can be anything from who they are yet pleasantly forgetful to a person whose perceptions are the polar opposite of who they are normally, their actions too.

Give people as much grace as you can, then take a breath and give them a little more. My dad has always been the good person, would stop to help folks with a flat tire or out of gas, but now, after dark you don’t know if you’re getting Jeckyl or Hyde. My mom is the spouse of 60 years whose mate is drifting away, in a scary way. And frankly, then there’s me, the only child, remembering my father for all the good and bad that came before and not attaching the present dementia parts to his legacy, while trying to keep my mom from completely falling apart and navigating my own emotions through it all.

Last night seemed to go fairly well. I was able to keep dad calm and quell any of the stuff going on in his brain so he could go back to sleep.

Tonight is a different story. Nothing I’m saying helps or distracts. After he had spent about an hour trying to get out of bed and leave here, the nurse told me they had already given him medication that’s supposed to calm him so sleep comes easier. They did warn us it could take up to a week to see effects from the drug.

When the smartest person you know appears to be losing their mind, especially when it’s the parent you most trusted, it’s tough to witness.

Both of my parents love me, I know that without a doubt and count myself fortunate for that! Growing up, mom was the volatile one, fighting her own issues from her childhood, not always able to prevent taking those issues out on me. Dad ended up being a bit Disney world slash safe haven from the storm mom could be.

Now, his imagination is a scary place. His intellect is still rolling around in there. We’re probably lucky he had the stroke, it makes him trying to leave too hard for him to accomplish.