here’s what’s up with me.
It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written any kind of thing longer than a 10 word caption on an instagram post and I’m going to try and give this a go.
I’m not very well. Mentally, physically. I haven’t been for quite a while.
A lot of things have happened in the past month. Some pretty life changing things. I’ve been tested tremendously.
I have had 2 really bad infections in the last few months which have been painful and uncomfortable. I’ve had a really rewarding job, working for a really terrible company. I lost this job due to being unwell too much... I’m kind of glad about this, but becoming unemployed is always a difficult thing. I was also attacked around 4 weeks ago and my mobile phone was stolen from me. I also haven’t been taking testosterone for a good 4 months now which has been super, super hard.
All of these things happened kind of on top of each other and I didn’t really have the time or space to process them all individually.
They also all happened really soon after a came back from working on a camp for trans youth, which was amazing but incredibly emotionally taxing.
When I lost my job I was so, so relieved. So happy. And the few days following that I was THRIVING! I knew that my job had been holding me back from doing so many things in my life that I so desperately needed and wanted to do. I applied to go to university again after dropping out the first time around (once again due to ill mental health). This time I will be studying something I am so, so passionate about. Not that I wasn’t passionate about what I studied before, but after 2 years away from it I know that this is the career path I would like to pursue. I also switched my GP surgery to a much better rated one, which is much closer to where I live now. Which was a really positive thing. Hopefully they will not have any issues with my testosterone prescription like my old one did. I did all these things in like, one day after losing my job. I felt amazing. It’s more productive than I have been in a very, very long time.
But then the reality of it all kicked in. I realised that I am actually really struggling with going outside, hearing the sounds of motor bikes, or any loud engine noises triggered the memory of what happened to me and would send me into panic. Shaking the visions and memories of my attack feels impossible.
Also, being unemployed is really not a good thing. I don’t have any money. Money is always a thing that’s really scared me. I was in this position a few years ago, and now here I am again. At least now I can work part time, around my university course instead of every day and 13hour shifts. But finding a job is really hard.
I feel like I just can’t find enjoyment in anything any more. This frustrates me to no end. I feel like I’ve just lost all sense of who I am, my identity, what makes me, me.
I hope I can find that again, soon.
