CASSANDRA JULY

Rosy: It wasn't a threat. Please, you know me by now, if I was threatening you it'd be far more graphic than the mention of a funeral. I just meant that it holds the potential that we'd kill each other at the same time.

Magda: Always, love. I love you.

Magda: Uh... in the sense that I can tell you where to find it but I cannot actively get it for you without bad things, yes.

Magda: I'll go deal with the toddler, you go into my office and in the box on the far bookshelf are things one can fidget with, go ahead and just grab the entire box, cos it needs to not be in my office right now.

Rosy: You really want my sister to attend another funeral of someone she loves?

Rosy: You do know that I used to do ballet, right? Rigorously for years. I'm not exactly a novice that you'd get to toy with.

Magda: Darling, all I want is you, in my lap, letting me play with your hair. That's it.

Magda: Do not apologise, darling. You have every right to feel stressed out and it's not your job to take care of everyone else.

Magda: I told you not because I want you to fix it but because you were owed an explanation. An explanation you deserved BEFORE I isolated, it just all happened too fast for me to give that to you.

Magda: Now, do you need me to do anything for you? I can probably manage the anxiety override for like... half an hour before I absolutely need you in my lap with your hair in my hands.

Cassie: Thank you. I love you.

Cassie: Do you have a stress ball I can use while you play with my hair? I just need to not feel/be alone (in other words, I need you) and something to take my feelings out on that isn’t me.

Rosy: HAHA!!! It's possible I startled Ziv and Col with how loud that made me laugh.

Rosy: That's a special kind of special, even for demon bird.

Rosy: Yeah, I suppose it is.

Rosy: No offence, Cass, but what the fuck would I do at NYADA?

Cassie: 🤦🏼‍♀️

Rosy: He's got a soft side to him, he just keeps it for when its needed.

Rosy: Anytime.

Rosy: The circus is being lazy. Ziv and Colman are being all cute and snuggly together. Pep whisked Cairan away upstairs. I've been looking at online courses.

Rosy: Absolutely thrilling life over here lol

Cassie: What a shithead.

Cassie: OMFG HE'S LITERALLY A SHITHEAD

Cassie: He shit on a perch, went down a level and got the shit on his head.

Cassie: Domestic bliss.

Magda: You don't have to be good, darling. We can be not good together, if we need to. I just don't like how loud my brain is right now and being with you helps that.

Magda: I had you lock my office because the last time I felt like this the house was a mess for 3 weeks afterwards because I rearranged the entire thing... I always start in my office. That's why I isolated. But I've done all I can alone.

Cassie: Okay. I understand. I wanna be with you too, but I can't do anything except be there. I don't have the right words and I can't take care of you. I'm so tired, Magda. I'm barely keeping myself together.

Cassie: I'm not blaming you, but it's like everybody forgets I haven't even been sober for a year. I binged and purged via exercise 4 months ago. I'm not strong enough to handle everything on my own yet.

Rosy: So demon bird does have his uses after all.

Rosy: Ok. Let me know if she doesn't and I'll come over, ok?

Cassie: I think he figured out I needed him. And needed him to be a good, sweet boy.

Cassie: Okay.

Cassie: Thanks, Rosy.

Magda: I know, my brain spiraled when it wasn't supposed to. It was more about apologising for needing it. not that I still needed it.

Magda: It's why I had you lock my office. If I don't have the starting place then I can focus my energy into something else. If I focus my energy into something else, like playing with your hair, then I don't need the isolation and I can maybe make my brain go quiet.

Cassie: Oh

Rosy: That it does.

Rosy: Ok. Before we do anything, you need to breathe. A panic attack isn't going to help you.

Rosy: Do you want me to come over? Or I can come grab you and we can go grab a coffee or something somewhere?

Cassie: Okay. Breathing. Petting demon bird.

Rosy: Never just rains, does it?

Rosy: Ok, well, I'll try deal with others later, right now, I wanna help you.

Rosy: You deserve more than relapsing.

Rosy: Romeo isn't picking up but I'm here, ok? What do you need?

Cassie: No, it turns into a shitstorm

Magda: Can I come cuddle you? I wanna play with your hair.

Magda: I feel like I did something wrong.

Magda: I'm sorry.

Magda: I didn't know this would happen. I didn't want this. I never want this. I'm just trying not to make things worse. And I will. It always gets worse.

Magda: I don't want the isolation, I don't. I promise. But I need it. It's not about avoiding the emotions it's about avoiding something else. Making things worse for you and Conall. I can't do that. I can't make it worse.

Cassie: Fine

Rosy: What's going on, Cass?

Cassie: Magda's falling apart and I can't fucking deal with Adeline anymore and Sweeney is atrocious today

Cassie: I feel stressed and not in control

Cassie: All I wanna do is relapse everything

Cassie: I'm craving the catharsis