better days

i’ve been feeling a lot better recently.

i moved into a new place, MY OWN place. a bachelor apartment, at that. it’s coming together but it’s mine, it’s all mine. i’ve been trying to attain something like this ever since i moved to toronto, to be living under my own roof and living by my own rules. i’m able to come home and not worry about anything else. it’s magical. it’s everything i could’ve imagined it to be and more, i feel so liberated. 

i always knew at some rate that when i did end up moving in on my own that things would kind of come together for me because i was always stifled living with other people, especially with the people i chose to live with. i was unable to be myself and would seclude myself to my bedroom about 75% of the time because i always felt like i was bothering them in some way or another. there was always some underlying form of judgement coming from the people i lived with and it forced me to go in a direction that wasn’t healthy.

there’s been a lot that’s changing in the past couple of years in regards of my personal life. i think with being 22, i was really experiencing depression for the first time in my life. things were kind of hitting me full swing and i didn’t know what was going on. i had to pull myself back from a lot of things because of my inability to cope and there was a wall being put up unbeknownst to me. 

it all came to a head with a trip to new york city last year with 7 of my, then, best friends. things happened and now i don’t talk to 5 of them anymore, not being as close with the other two. that shattered me a bit. people don’t realize that i am an incredibly loyal person and my friends mean more than the world to me. so, with what happened going down like it did, i fell deep. of course, i’m not one to admit to my shortcomings, this being my mental instability. my incapability of coping with certain situations and putting myself into a reclusive state because of what was happening to me.

i lost a group of friends that i spent 10 years of my life with, i lost my spiritual freedom to education, i lost my motivation to a job that i hated, i lost my confidence to the depression that was consuming every fibre of my being. 22 was a year of loss for me. i know that’s a little dramatic, but i feel that i lost myself last year in a lot of ways, it turned grey for a bit. i’m surprised that i was able to get through it. 

i was locking myself in my room for, sometimes, 3 days in a row. constantly eating, numbing my mind by staring at my phone screen for hours and hours on end, sleeping during those periods i wasn’t looking at my phone. i’d skip all of my classes for weeks in a row because i couldn’t cope with getting out of bed. i was unable to admit that i suffered from depression, but i didn’t exactly know what depression was until i was fully immersed in it.

i got myself into a couple of toxic friendships, and a toxic relationship, because i was looking for someone to fill a void that i was no longer able to fill. i was lost. i still am, but i’ve been able to compose myself more than i was last year. once the year was over and 2018 came about, i came to a realization about a lot of my faults and what was happening inside of my head. i was able to realign myself back to some of my roots and re-evaluate the things that had come at me in the past year without a sense of overwhelm. 

i remember when i first moved to toronto, i felt so free. i felt like that for the first 2 years of my life here. i miss that. i worked full time, but it was fine. i was making a life for myself, i was in complete anonymity here with no strings attached. i was able to live without inhibitions and experience so many things for the first time. i don’t know why, but as soon as i entered school, all of that went. i entered the service industry and started school, which came with inflexibility and suffocation almost. that was truly the start of my spiral into depression.

i decided to take a break from school this summer to focus on myself and get myself back on track. i’ve been putting a lot of important things on the back burner, one of them being my mental health. i haven’t been taking proper care of myself for the past 2 years. i’m glad i did it because it’s allowed me to really think about what makes me happy and get me back to where i need to be. it’s also allowed me to get closer with my group of friends. i’m so happy they’re in my life, they’re my only constant and i couldn’t be more grateful for them. 

i went on vacation to san francisco with my best friend kyle and it really put things into perspective for me. first, i’ve decided to make a direction change with my career. it’s still to be determined, but i’m excited to see where i’ll end up. second, i probably won’t be in toronto for the rest of my life. this one shocked me, because i always thought that i was going to be here, but staring at the ocean, listening to the waves in SF, i realized that i am not done exploring yet and i’ll end up somewhere else. third, i’m incredibly grateful for my friends and they’re everything to me.

well, it’s been awhile since i’ve actually done one of these. i don’t even know where to begin. i’m in the best spot i’ve ever been in my life. i’m happy, i’m in the best shape i’ve ever been in (both mentally and physically), my confidence growing by the day, i’m starting school soon, moving into a new place, it’s all great. i love everything that’s happening. it’s the reason why i moved here honestly, to better myself and my quality of life. mind you, i’m still trying to keep that on an incline since there’s a few things i need to rid of before i advance in my life.

one thing being my job, i’m sick of it. the people that come in just make my day worse and worse. i walk into my job dreading it and it’s always the worst experience, something new, something awful. my job expects way too much out of me for such a little wage. it’s nice to be in the position i’m in as a title, but otherwise it’s all garbage. the job itself comes pretty naturally to me, it’s just the customers, the product and some of my coworkers. i can’t deal with it anymore, it’s doing my head in. so, i’m looking around for serving jobs that i can get into and easily work when i’m in school since my availability at my current job requires me to work at least 24 hours a week which just seems a little to excessive when i want to mostly focus on school and advancing myself to get into a better career, not on my current job that i could give two shits about. 

i moved to toronto to open new doors for myself and get further in my life in all aspects whether it be professionally, mentally, physically, socially, whatever. i didn’t move here to pretty much be a doormat and get stuck in a situation that i need to settle for. i did that when i lived in new brunswick, all i did was settle for situations that i felt i had no control over when in reality, life’s what you make it. my thoughts are financial stability during school and the fact that my current job has amazing benefits. but, then i think about how unhappy i am going into work every single day and how awful of a person i am when i’m actually at work. it’s just not a situation i imagined myself to be in and i refuse to let myself settle. so, i’m moving on. even though i just got promoted... 4 months ago now, i can’t do it anymore. i’ve worked at this place for 2 years and it got old after the 6th month. 

there’s so much otherwise that i’m really excited for. i’m looking into a bachelor apartment and hopefully it all works out so i can live on my own which is something i’ve wanted for such a long time. i love my roommate to death, she’s like a sister to me, but it’s tough living with a roommate. so, i want to live under my own confinements and whatnot. 

then, of course, there’s school. i’m so excited for school. i’ve never been this excited for school before. i remember when i actually used to be in school, i would always get really pumped up for school during the summer but then when i would actually get to school i would check out almost immediately, so hopefully now that i’m in a totally different environment and i’m in school under my own terms it’ll work out in my favour and i’ll have a little more motivation in the education department. i think when i was in school before it was such a different thing because i was kind of forced into school by my parents and i hadn’t figured out what i wanted to do. but now that i have zeroed in on something that i want to do, it’s really lit a fire under my ass. i’m so excited to finally start school and work towards the life i imagine for myself. 

physically, my body is improving everyday. it’s insane how i look in the mirror now and i say to myself “damn, i look good”. that’s something that i never had. i would always look in the mirror and find SOMETHING, then feel like shit about it for the rest of the day. now i notice all of these little insecurities becoming my strengths and it’s really amazing to see my confidence continuously grow every day. i’m really happy with the progress i’ve made and the progress i will continue to make. it’s really cool thinking of what i can do to make myself look and feel better. i never thought i’d ever be that person to really go to the gym and such but here i am and i fucking love it, i gotta say it.

tying into that, mentally, i’m fantastic. i’m not a fucking maniac with how panicky i am anymore, it’s so nice to be able to live my life with a clear head. i have my flare ups every once in awhile when it comes to anxiety, but otherwise, i’m so much better than i was months ago. it’s amazing to see that progress also, not only the physical barriers i’ve been able to jump over but mentally too. i’ve put myself through so much shit mentally and it’s just so amazing that i’m able to say i have my shit together a little bit. i’m in a good place.