Man havent been on here in what feels like ages. But needed a place to vent
Husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 5 months. The first month we actually started trying, I got pregnant. It was the most magical time, we were blissed out in excitement and joy and just everything felt so divinely timed.
And at 5 weeks it was ripped away. I started miscarrying on a Thursday, and that Saturday I had my sons 2nd birthday party. It was a shattering week but I had to stay put together for the family and friends we were hosting. Every time I would go to the bathroom I was reminded of the loss of the baby I so deeply desired. I am strong willed by nature, but every moment that weekend I just wanted to crumble.
The following month my period returned surprisingly normal, so we decided to try again.
And again the next month.
And again the next.
This cycle felt like the one. I was late for my period, I was seeing signs everywhere and I was finally feeling hopeful.
And then I get my period. Another heart wrenching moment.
And now Im feeling so sad. And angry. And scared. And jealous?
I know I should be focused on gratitude that I had a healthy pregnancy with my first and have the most perfect son. But theres this deep longing to expand my family and a fear that I somehow might not be able to make that happen. Its hard to put into words.
😭
