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@wildflowersinthewind
Summer
There is a small breeze as I wait for the bus. It whispers, “summer is coming, summer is coming.” But I worry that I missed the whole spring, locked up in my house thinking. I worry that I’ll lose this year to you again. Again. Because the spring is almost gone, and summer is coming, love. Summer is coming.
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writing tip: put words on page. hope this helps. i will not be taking questions because i have not done this
Truths
The truth is: I miss him. I miss him with an acuteness so sharp sometimes that I’m surprised to find I’m not bleeding.
Other times, it’s a vague sort of lack, the feeling more like light clouds drifting across the sky.
I wonder what he’d say if he were here; what he’s doing since he’s not. I ask myself what sort of person I’d be if we were constantly in the same space. Little things, too - what would he do with his hands while we spoke of small things again, refusing to acknowledge the larger truths? What would it take to make him happy? Not much, I’d think. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he needs the world and the moon, too.
Here it is, here it is!
The moment defined, the thought, the precipice alive
Don’t lose courage now
Let it carry you through
Home, to home
To the keyboard’s backlit glow (nice!)
Please, no, fuck! Don’t lose it now
Keep that candle’s flame alive
I think it’s very important to have a lil cat on your lap as often as possible.
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I want to be one of those girls who does yoga in the park. One of those girls that meets up with her friends for a coffee at 2 on a Tuesday.
But I’m frantic, and sharp. All razor edges and spinning wheels. I’m dashoutthedoortosuckdownacigarettebeforemynextmeetingbuymycattoysthatplaywithhimformeificanbutfeelguiltyaboutitanywaynotimetoeatnotimetoclean. I’m not calm, measured, deep breath in…and….switch to Warrior.
I could be, but I think I care too much about everything to take the proper time to care for any one thing.
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me harder to compost.
Ok
“I’m okay,” I tell myself. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay.
I tell myself gently, like my heart is a scared animal. I tell myself loudly, like I am a man who isn’t picking up the hint. “I am okay,” I shout at myself, like you might hear it, hear the lie, like you might come running.
You won’t. I know this. I am okay with that knowledge, loudly, gently, whispering, shouting, in the moments between waking and sleep, in the moments of the day when my mind drifts to your eyes, hands, laugh. I am okay, I say, because I want to be. I wish I could just be okay. Be fine. Not think of you. Not wonder. Just…be okay.
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I’m writing because I want to talk to you. I want to tell you these things. I want you to know what, exactly you do to me.
But at the same time, I know that telling you this would be a really terrible thing to do to you. So I write and write and write and repeat my own thoughts over and over so they stop chasing each other around my head.
And I know what you’d say. I know you’d get calm. I know you’d try to tell me it’s okay. Tell me I can say anything. Imply that I shouldn’t say that.
So I don’t say it. I just keep writing.
The way you say my name wakes me up every single time. Your laugh is…well, it’s every little and big good thing I could possibly list. It’s what I hope the soundtrack for the rest of my life sounds like.
I should not have sent that.
You know, I get inspired when I talk to you. Even if we’re talking about nothing at all. Something about you makes me create again.
Of course it’s near impossible to let you go. I’m trying, anyway.
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There is a lightness today. An emptiness, a nothing, that somehow feels like the most beautiful something. I’m trying to find a song that matches its frequency, but nothings quite right.
Repeat
I keep listening to this song. Over and over again. It makes me think of you. Not so much because of the content (though there is that). Not even the beat. When I first heard it, the lyrics obviously reminded me of you, but then I just really loved it for itself, separate from you.
I find myself really getting into it. It just makes me so happy. I want to dance to it, I find myself dancing down the hallways here, and having a good time, and that reminds me of you. The pure joy. And I know that if you saw me, you’d laugh at me and love that I’m so happy, so into it. And you’d match my energy, and then show me whatever your song is.
