wildflowerrising

in my dream i couldnt see

in my reality i didnt know what was ahead of me

my subconscious is trying to tell me

I am not living my best life 

there is change in the future that will be challenging 

but with all challenges comes growth 

the fear of the unknown within me

within this life i see

outside of my dream it speaks true to me

there is within a woman i haven't come across

the loss of innocence a child like mind

she showed me darkness the hurt within

a place i have not been

i met her with alcohol, drugs and sex

her heart ached for a better world but everywhere she turned she lost sight as she tried to witness light in between the insanity

she forgot what love for herself looked like

i tried calling her to talk some sense but the timing was past tense

she never picked up

she was gone for now but she will return

for most of the month she will return and in turn i will hold her for that time

embrace her, love her, through all the madness

even though she scares me and drags me into a place i would never lay

it always goes the same way

i pretend i just wanna be friends

now your with some superficial blonde

she wont let me see you anymore, i dont know you anymore

i sit here and remember how it use to be

all our inside jokes you laughing next to me

the trips we went on, the trips we planned

i was your first friend in this small town

you said “happy anniversary” when we knew each other for one year

we met on new years eve and you wanted to sleep with me

i shrugged you off a couple times thats not who i wanted to be

some time passed, i wondered where you went?

we fist bumped to friendship that night

i should have told you my feelings were growing for you

but it was to late

and you slowly dwindled out of my life, like it always seems to be for me

obsessing over someone you didnt even know 

what happened to our friendship? 

you shrugged me off cause you were with her

she knew a lot of insecurities and you loved her through them

but you let me go because of them

you let me go for a girl you dont even know

eyes watering now, it feels like a blow to the nose

i should have told you

i should have told you

I've witnessed this house in all of its glory and dirt

Spring, the rebirth of all new things, rain and more rain come down. Sprout up flowers, all living things. Let the birds sing. May the wind blow lightly, the sun shine proudly for the Japanese maple tree to bare in all of its glory.

Summer, green thumb brings ditry hands. Cultivating food from the land , raising chickens for eggs. White picket fence where 7 sunflowers made a home too.

Fall, the death, beautiful golds, warm breeze cant you take me with you? harvesting squash upon squash, feasts on feasts of food galore, preparing for the winter, stacking wood upon wood to keep us cozy and warm.

Winter, going inward, a time of darkness, a time of reflection, home body, baths and naps, wood stove burning looking out heritage windows as snow falls.

Spring, REBIRTH! here I am again, Its time to move on its been a year in this old house, I’ve made it my own and its all I have known for a year.

leaving this place  better then I found it, I painted the walls and prepared the garden beds

I love this old house

but its pushing me out

its time I know

the stars are aligned

i feel a shift, a power to adrift 

shifting objects around in my little life

I’m open to the eb’s and flows into the unknown

my heart guiding me every so gracefully

its time

eyes watching out windows while wind takes the trees

upon shelves where books live that haven't been read

red dripping down fingers with a head full of dread

woman are all the same, jealous, resentful, power strippers

and before i leave ill try and speak the truth to wash away the disrespect 

but you just deny, deny, and deny

so ill go sit somewhere and cry because it happens all the time

trying to keep things professional all the time

you are fake to your very limb, and i thought more of you

but now i cant wait to leave you

but i dont let this resentment overcome me

hold my breathe underwater

forgiving myself isnt easy 

now im left with dirty sheets

you used me 

pull the covers over my face and try to sleep

i cant believe this has happened to me again

i bruise easily, but did i let it happen to me?

Although i cant wash away the bruises left behind

forgiveness comes in time 

I will always be,

too intense but that's just passion

too loud but that's just how I express my emotion

too stubborn but that’s just how I judge situations

too opinionated but at least I have an opinion

too weird but at least I'm not boring

I forgive and forget too soon

I love hard, invest myself into people i love and care about 

I wear my heart on my sleeve

I am sensitive

I cry when I'm happy

I laugh when I feel awkward

I ball when I'm sad

I am patient

I am loyal

I am an old soul

my inner child shines

I act silly, young and stupid

I am unapologetically myself

I am me...

i feel like I'm loosing my mind

give me some water so i cant put my brains fire out tonight

driving long distances on highways unfamiliar 

going no where except to escape from myself

i wish i could switch my brain off

the thought of escaping just seems so much better right now

trying to find a sign some where on this long long road 

my stomach turning as i brew up sickening thoughts only i know

nobody knows the pain inside, i dont really understand why 

im spitting out these words because right now thats all i know to keep me going

it just gets worse but i keep going 

im so damn tired, so damn broke, so damn sick, i dont know where to go

so when my tank hits empty and ive lost myself on these roads

i drive back to the only place i know

and i really hate it here, all these people i dont know, changing so fast why does it have to grow

leave me behind, because really i have no place to go 

And if I was a child And the child was enough Enough for me to love Enough to love