Wildflower 🌺

No where to run now here to hide.

Deep inside this lonely chest my love is so real and true.

But what does this love matter if theres no one to give it to.

People see what they wanna see.

The silence and loneliness is breaking me.

I move through the day like a ghost of who I used to be.

She was wild and crazy and fearless and felt incredibly free.

Something happend along the line.

I became broken - I'm no longer fine.

I'm a shell of who I once was.

Broken friendships undeserving of love.

A quiet voice whispering are you still here?

Is there still fight inside or do you disappear?

You have to make the choice for yourself.

What is important to you and your mental health.

Holding my breath taking one step at a time.

To climb out of the darkness and reclaim what is mine.

Who would you be?

If fear packed its bags

if no one was watching,

if no one could leave,

if no one could break you —

who would you become?

Would you speak louder?

Would you love harder?

Would you be fearless?

Would you be reckless?

Would you run toward the fire

instead of circling it for warmth?

So tell me —

If you were fearless,

if you were free,

if nothing could hold you —

Would you become someone new?

Or would you finally

become yourself?

If I could risk anything~

I would risk being fully seen—

not polished, not perfect,

but real.

I would be the woman

who no longer waits for permission.

The soul who understands

that freedom is not the absence of consequence—

it is the courage to choose anyway.

I would be

exactly who I already am—

just unafraid to show her.

unthread my heart from yours,

walk steady into the quiet

like someone who knows

how to choose herself.

But my heart and my head do not listen to logic.

The worry and the fear for me - it's real.

It lingers.

It sits up at 2 a.m. whispering,

Where is he?

Is he sleeping?

Is he safe?

Is the weight too heavy tonight?

I just need to know you’re okay.

That somewhere tonight

you are breathing steady.

That you are okay.

That whatever storm lives in your chest

has loosened its grip, even just a little.

I need you to see you are valued and worth more than you understand or know.

I don’t need you to explain the darkness.

I don’t need to fix it.

I would, if I could —

I don’t need you to be perfect.

I don’t need you to be strong.

I don’t need you to pretend

you’re not breaking inside.

I just need to know

you are still here.

You were lightning in a dark room,

beautiful and sudden,

but I learned

that sometimes light can still burn

when you stand too close for too long.

I see the weight you carry

in the quiet spaces between your words,

in the way your laughter

sometimes sounds like it’s trying

to outrun something chasing you.

I will always hope

that your mornings grow softer,

that your mind becomes a safer place

for you to live inside.

I will always wish

you never feel alone

in the way I know you sometimes do.

I watched the weight

settle behind your eyes,

felt it creep into my own chest

I hope distance

becomes a kind of mercy for you.

I hope it gives your mind

room to breathe,

room to grow gardens

where chaos used to live.

You were never something

that needed saving.

You were someone

who needed space

to save himself.

So I am letting go

with hands that are shaking

and a heart that will always

recognize yours

in a crowded room of memories.

I am not leaving

because you are too heavy to carry.

I am leaving

because neither of us

was meant to carry the other.

Somewhere between

trying to hold you together

and pretending I wasn’t falling apart too,

we forgot that healing

is a road you have to walk

with your own trembling legs.

You need space

to untangle your thoughts

without worrying

about how they pull at me.

You need silence

where my voice

isn’t another weight

you feel responsible for carrying.

And I need to learn

that caring for someone

does not mean

losing myself

trying to keep them whole.

So I am stepping back

with a heart that is breaking

in the gentlest way.

Not shattered—

just stretching

to make room for acceptance.

If I could,

I would rewrite the world

so healing came easier to you,

so pain forgot your name,

so you never had to question

whether you mattered to someone because you do.

that your gaze strips me down

to truths that I bury beneath my careful smiles.

You read the tremble in my silence,

trace the fault lines in my breath,

and it terrifies me…

how easily you find the places

I never meant to show you.

You feel like a familiar mistake—

the kind my heart recognizes

before my mind can protest.

Every warning sign flickers,

but your name glows brighter

I am afraid of losing you.

I am afraid of keeping you.

Both feel like falling—

one into emptiness,

the other into fire.

I want you

in ways that terrify me,

in ways that make me question

whether longing is just

another word for self-destruction.

For how can mind be at battle with my heart when there is no winning side.

Still, something in me leans closer,

like a moth who memorized

the shape of the flame

and forgot the lesson of burning.

I try to run but running from you is like trying to run in quicksand.

So how do I escape if there is no way out?

I tried to make you understand, i held the truth trembling in my hands, I tried to lay it gently at your feet knowing the destruction it would cause you.

I wish I could make you understand I wish I could show you all the things that you can't see.

You don't see it - you cant.

So I live in the in-between,

where loyalty and longing

tangle like headphones in a pocket,

trying to untwist all of my emotions

that were never meant to be simple.

Your Pain ~

It carves your name into my thoughts like a prayer spoken too late.

I hate how powerless that love can feel how it fills your chest with oceans but leaves your hands empty when someone you cherish is drowning.

You loved her through my whispered fears, through my silent screams and swallowed tears.

I watched you walk on a fragile wire believing in trust not seeing the fire yet every step you chose to take was another piece of me to break.

Why can't you see your words and your actions have a hold on me.

1 step 2 step 3 step 4.

Am I walking away or coming back for more.

You say I'm distant and pulling away.

I call it surviving day by day.

You say you love me but still have her by your side.

Im not your first choice just a girl that you hide.

You play aloof and you act like everything's cool.

Meanwhile I'm the idiot standing here looking like a fool.

The reality hits chilling to the bone.

You don't really want me you just dont wanna be alone.

Cause i know when she comes back to you there will be nothing left of me.

A shadow of my former self someone I used to be.

All my thoughts and my dreams coming down in a crash.

One day I'm someone you love the next I'm yesterday's trash.

So why would I hang on to what I know will be my demise.

Your heartfelt sentiments are based upon lies.

The one thing that you never anticipated to see.

Is now I'm stronger and smarter and you cant manipulate me.

I never knew emptiness until I couldn't feel you anymore.

I never missed your lips until i couldn't kiss you anymore.

It all was gone everything that felt like home to me was destroyed.

Except it wasn't a hurricane it was a fire that destroyed the "home" I felt so safe in it was me I was the destruction.. I was the fire.

I look at the reminisce of what once was.

The home has been rebuilt but it now belongs to another.

Jealousy seeps through like daylight pouring into a dark room.

There is no changing the destruction that occurred and although the home has been rebuilt and the home belongs to another the embers of the past fire still burn and linger deep beneath the surface of what once was.

It's like a grief that never falls away.

Like a scent that passes you by and triggers a memory.

Every breathe tastes like what we lost.

Like ashes on a unmarked grave there is no marker for us no date carved explaining how he lived inside me.

Just the ghost of his memories and the imprint of him that he left on my soul.

Two hearts bound together like we were written in stone.

Our paths were winding taking us in different directions.

We found ourselves in new relationships making other connections.

Time drifted away from us like it always does.

Taking us forward away from once what was.

Memories have a way of lighting up old rooms.

Like flowers that lay in anticipation waiting on sunlight to bloom.

And somehow, throughout the years, although distance has kept us apart.

The memory of my first love has always been etched upon my heart.

Now here you are- familiar yet new.

Our past love that was once lost, is now finding its way through.

Your smile feels like a home i never stopped knowing.

A door that was left unlocked a fire that is still glowing.

We talk like no time has passed us by.

All the time that was wasted we have no clue why.

The truth is life has shaped us stronger, steadier, wiser than before.

A life of What If's that we can't choose to ignore.

Reconnecting again makes me feel like I can revisit the younger version of me.

Rectify my past mistakes rewrite our destiny.

And maybe this time, love doesn't have to run.

Maybe it's fate telling me it's always been you right from day one.

Maybe our story was paused and it did not end.

It was waiting for the right moment to bring us together again.

Because to say that I love you seems inadequate to me.

We are first loves, soul mates each other's destiny..

But I remember a young innocent girl who once called you mine.

You've never felt this way before things aren't exactly clear.

You are filled with happiness and excitement, and yes, even fear.

The first flutterings of that feeling we call love.

When he is the only thing you can't stop thinking of.

You fall in love the two of you date.

The feelings dwindle you separate.

You moved on, and you find another

I never imagined it would be his brother.

He is hurt and heartbroken inside.

The look on his face as if someone died.

Memories of him showing up drunk at my door.

Telling me he still loved me and was wishing for more.

Why can't you look at me? Why can't you see.

You're not meant to be with my brother. You're meant to be with me.

Your family moved away and your left filled with regret.

A few years pass a suprise birthday party you will never forget.

It was a night filled with complete satisfaction.

A moment in time, it was just a distraction.

You still wonder to this very day.

What would have happened if distance wouldn't have kept you away.

A reconnection once over so many years.

Then radio silence and he disappears.

You moved on the pain would dissipate.

He's just a boy you once loved someone you used to date.

It's been over a decade, so maybe I'm confused and can't exactly see

Why is there a message at 2 am in my inbox sitting waiting for me.

A simple message all it said was hello.

What it means, I just dont know.

What does he want after all the years?

I"m once again that teenage girl now filled with excitement and fears.

You live your life day to day, but there's always regrets.

I think about you, but it's especially hard today.

All the things I never got a chance to say.

So I keep all those emotions buried inside.

The possibility to tell you vanished the day you died.

Moments and memories are created by the life that you live.

I could talk about how i feel, but what resolution would that give?

Despite the relationship that we had.

No matter what, I loved you. You were my dad.

I mourn for the life you never got to live.

I mourn for the relationship you never got to give.

I mourn today. I sit here and cry.

I wish I had answers and could just know why.

Now im stuck in darkness, and i just can't see.

Why a father who's supposed to protect and love couldn't give that to me.

Every inch of my body is filled with fear.

I gave him a part of me that I can never get back.

Now I don't know what to do and I'm not sure how I'll act.

It was vulnerable and intimate and truthful to the core.

So tell me, how to look at you and not want more.

I was honest and truthful and real from the start.

I gave you my trust then I gave you my heart.

So how do I look at you and smile and just let you walk away.

Every part of me will be screaming, telling me to react in a very different way.

You may not be perfect. You may not even be mine.

But do i do absolutely nothing and wonder for all of time?

It's a question that haunts me as I lay in my bed.

All of these scenarios play out in my head.

I just wish I knew what to do.

My reality is i have no clue.

I close my eyes, and i can see your face.

I get lost in the depth of your eyes and the warmth of your embrace.

Two strangers who aren't strangers at all.

You know the depths of my feelings you knocked down my walls.

You have seen the flecks of firey passion behind my dark brown eyes.

You have heard the pleasure leave my lips between my moans and sighs.

You have heard me come completely undone.

Two souls separately, it felt like one.

A burning spark that became a flame.

A taste of heaven when I cry out your name.

Never been addicted until i met you.

Now I'm not sure exactly what I do.

I need a fix i need a taste.

You're like a drug I can not waste.

A intensity I've never felt before.

And all I can think of is I want you more.

There are those people who enter into your life unexpectedly.

They throw you off balance, and they cause you chaos and unexpected delight.

A lover a kindred spirit a soul mate a unexpected best friend your muse.

Life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes, it's earth shaking thunder and hail storms.

A strike of lightening flashes across the sky, lightning it up so beautifully that you see the sky in a whole new light.

I'm a full moon, girl. I was born high energy, and I am emotionally intense, to say the least. I make no apology for that..

I have high walls that I have put up to protect myself, and I will always second guess people's intentions especially in reguards to me.

My biggest flaw within myself is letting myself be happy. I self sabatoge myself because I don't believe I deserve to be truly happy. It's easier for me to believe the worst in others, always expecting them to leave that initially i always sabatoge myself in some way destroying others and myself in the process.

99% of the time, i always leave first better to hurt myself walking away than to be hurt by someone i love. (That's My Truth)

It's My Biggest Regret My Biggest Downfall.

The people i let in into my world and into my heart I LOVE THEM that doesn't change no matter distance nor time.

Reflections of things I said in the heat of anger or done in the result of heartache and pain I own those mistakes. I am human, and I am flawed. I am in no way, shape, or form perfect, nor will I ever be.

If I said i love you, I meant it.

If i said I'm sorry, I feel it to my core.

I'm not too proud of a person that i can't admit I genuinely can fuck up and do fuck up sometimes.

Reflection of one's self can be an eye-opening experience to change your outlook or simply give you the chance to change.

If I made you smile, then that brings me joy.

If I made you shake your head thinking I'm insane I'm cool with that.

If I have intrigued you, I'd love to know how lol.

If I loved you last month and last week, chances are I'll love you for a lifetime.

I'm a bit of ice 🧊 and a bit of fire🔥

What do you expect?

I'm a Scorpio ♏️