Wide Awake

Sam: knew that he had never been good at faking anything, at least not around her. “Not around you at least,” he replied, “but I have gotten better because if I wasn’t I’m pretty sure,” he wasn’t sure on what to call the relationship he was in, “I wouldn’t have dated her as long as I was.” Sam knew that there was one girl for him, and it always had been, even if most people didn’t understand that. A smile played over his lips, and a small sigh left them, “good because I don’t know if I could have let you go.” It was an easy confession, most of the time he was good at that stuff, even if words sometime didn’t sound the way he wanted them too. He hummed and nodded his head, “when we’re ready I’m gonna be screaming about it from the roof top or some other place but first we’re going to actually have a good relationship, a solid one.” As long as they managed that and knew what they wanted and where they stood it wouldn’t be a problem going public, the last time it was out almost before they had realized what was happening. Sam leaned into her touch, “yeah, you let me know when you’re ready to tell the world,” he whispered, “but now, let’s move from this couch to bed and let’s snuggle.”

Sam: let out a breath, he knew that she was right. This, this wasn't who he was, he wasn't the guy that cheated, or jumped between girls. And the only reason why actually had the relationship he had, was so he could move on, or pretend to move on until it happened. "I know but," he closed his eyes, "but I also know how I feel about you and yeah maybe this whole relationship was a bad idea but I thought I could fake it until I make it," he confessed. And it would have been so easy to just say no, no, they weren't right for each other if they were, then they would have stayed together, but Kitty was saying everything he wanted to hear, everything he needed to hear. Sam closed his eye, "you love me?" he asked, a smile played over his lips, as he opened his eyes, and he wrapped his arms around her pulling her closer, "I love you too," he whispered, "stay the night, please," he said as he pulled back, "we won't do anything just stay and tomorrow I'll fix what I need to fix." Sam bit down on his lip, "but y'know we can like flaunt this right away 'cos that's gonna look super bad but I wanna be with you. And I'm not letting you go you're gonna be stuck with me. I'm gonna fight for you. For us. Even if you start to doubt us 'cos I know we can make it."

Sam: hadn’t wanted to stop, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. And yes, he was happy, in that moment, he was happy with her. He had always been happy with Kitty. Sam was well aware of the fact that he was supposed to be happy with his girlfriend, that he only had because he tried to move on, and at least if he had a girlfriend he could pretend that he had moved on. But moving on wasn’t something he had done, or even wanted. He knew that Kitty was it, she was it. Sam knew what would happened if they were both single, and yes, a part of him wanted to hear her say what would have happened. “I know,” he whispered, “and maybe that’s what I want,” he closed his eyes, nuzzling his nose against her neck, and he took a deep breath. He opened his eyes, “you know all you had to do, still have to do, is just to say it,” Sam began, he took his lower lip between his teeth, “say that you want this, that you want us, that you want us to fight,” Sam said, he needed to hear more than she just had said, “and I can’t move on,” he said, “if I had do you really think I would have kissed you tonight?” he asked, “or us sleeping together would have happened?” he asked. “You know I wouldn’t cheat on you,” he said, “and I know that we can’t actually do this until it’s over with her.” Sam closed his eyes, “so if you really want us to fight for us, tell me, and I’ll do it. I’ll do what I need to do,” he reached for her hands, linking their fingers together, “tell me that you want us, that you want to fight because I want to be happy. With you. I want to be happy with you.”

Sam: let out a small sigh. He knew that this wasn’t something that they would agree on. And he knew what he wanted, her. He wanted her. It was almost too easy to get lost in her eyes, especially when they were lying like this, it had been a long time since they had. “I believe in the power of love, that you’d want to change for the better if you had the chance.” Sam bit down on his lower lip, his breathing was shallow, a groan left his lips, as he heard her. This was dangerous, because if he gave in, well he wasn’t sure on what that would mean for them. Sam tilted his head to the side, giving her better access to his neck, his hands ran up and down her back, fingers running through her hair. All he wanted was for them both to be honest. “Yeah, I’m happy,” Sam agreed, “but who said you’d mess anything up for me?” he asked, one hand cupping her cheek, as he looked at her, “I am happy, I’m happy now. Right here right now.” He locked his eyes with hers, Sam licked his lips, “if I was single what would you think would happen?” Sam asked, just focusing in on Kitty. “I know what I want to happen,” he licked his lips, “I want it to happen now too,” he confessed.

Sam: “Didn’t sound like it,” Sam replied, “but if they actually fall in love with someone when they’re in prison that like lives a normal life, aren’t they like less likely to commit a crime again?” Sam asked, he may be a bit naïve but he wanted to believe the best in people. He closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, his hands resting on her back. “Yeah,” Sam replied, “you can’t like keep someone that don’t wanna be there,” he said, meeting her eyes, “of course they were yours.” He locked his eyes with Kitty’s, “like you helped them to get to the point to know what they wanted. You’re like what they needed to actually figure out what they want.” Sam knew he had a girlfriend, or kind of girlfriend, but he also knew deep down that he would always have a soft spot for Kitty. Sam bit down on his lip, “I’m way better at kissing.” He wasn’t going to give this up without a fight, “that’s what you think,” he moved some of her hair away from her face, smiling at her. He needed to know what she wanted, there had been ex-sex, awesome ex-sex, more than once, and he couldn’t read her, at times he was sure he was just supposed to kiss her because that was what she wanted, other times it was like he just should hide. He closed his eyes, trying not to think about what she was doing, willing his body to not react to what she was doing, but Kitty knew what to do to get a reaction from him, he cupped her cheek, thumb brushing over her lower lip, his breathing was shallow. He shouldn’t do this, he shouldn’t, it wouldn’t lead to anything good, “tell me no if you don’t want to,” Sam whispered, as he leaned up, his lips, almost brushing against Kitty’s, “tell me that you don’t want me to kiss you.” He licked his lips, “if you don’t I’ll kiss you.”

Sam: ”Okay,” Sam began, knowing fully well by now, that he and Kitty at times had a different look on what love was, and meant. “So what you’re saying is that people in jail doesn’t deserve to be loved or fall in love?” he asked. It was just something he wanted to know, Sam was sure that everyone deserved a chance to fall in love, but then again, some people were probably not able to actually be in love with someone. “Yeah, but even if they have a computer with internet access they’re still servicing their debt to society as you put it.” It felt great to just hold Kitty like this, it was like old times, and somehow it felt more relaxing with her than when he did this with his girlfriend. He shouldn’t be comparing but it was hard not to. “Sometimes you need to breakup to grow as people and then you’ll find your way back to each other,” Sam said, “like if you love someone set them free if they return they’re yours to keep.” His finger ran up and down Kitty’s back, eyes closed for a few seconds just relaxing. “Sure, I can be that too but I’m also like super awesome improvising stuff.” Sam always had a hard time remembering his lines, it took him days to learn a script and he hated major rewrites, and there were times he was almost sure that Kitty had a photographic memory. He shook his head, “well, I wouldn’t actually know since I haven’t actually had that many kissing partners to share scenes with.” But Sam knew he was a good kisser, so that had to count for something. His eyes, met hers, and yeah, he shouldn’t think about kissing her, but he would be kissing her if he just moved his head a little, and it was just so close, and he really wanted to kiss her, but he couldn’t he had a girlfriend, even if wasn’t that serious, at least not yet. “Yeah but let’s be honest here y’know I’m an awesome kisser so any on screen kiss I’m in will look awesome.” He took a deep breath, looking at Kitty, "I can prove it right now how awesome I am at onscreen kissing."

Sam: laughed, it seemed to be a reality show about pretty much anything, “wait, so you’re telling me that people that have been in jail isn’t allowed to fall in love?” asked the tone teasing, he knew for sure that wasn’t something he was interested in, and probably wouldn’t watch it. He wrapped and arm around her, holding her a bit closer, all he wanted to wrap both of his arms around her, and pull her down, so she could lay on top of him, just like it used to be. “Yeah,” he replied, “at least if it was a semi-serious relationship, like one or two dates, fine ghost me but if we’d been together, I want a real breakup not someone that’s running scared away from it.” Maybe this wasn’t what they were supposed to talk about, and did this mean that if they hadn’t worked together, would Kitty just have stopped talking to him so he would have to figure out himself that they weren’t dating. He wanted to tell her that she would fall in love again, but that also meant that she had been in love, and Sam was still in love, of course he was still in love with her, no matter how hard he tried not to. “Okay, if you say so,” he replied, maybe he should ask his agent to try and get him on to the show and make sure that Brittany was his dancer. “yeah, true,” Sam replied, and he had been close to add, and then I wouldn’t have gotten my heartbroken, but it wasn’t fair, “or more like you wouldn’t have gotten to work with me,” he said, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her on top of him, his tongue flicking over his lips, as he met her eyes, maybe this had been a bad idea. Sam was sure that he could feel her breath against his lips, and if he just leaned up a little, he could kiss her, but he shouldn’t. But it was so tempting, maybe if she just showed a bit of interested he would, but he shouldn’t, he had a girlfriend, but Kitty looked so kissable. Stupid emotions, and stupid heart.

Sam: shook his head, and he was about to reach for her foot to make her stop kicking him. He looked around, and of course there was something for Kitty to say about it, Sam knew that it might not be the most fashion like house, or even the best designs, but it was home. “Really?” he asked, “so what you’re saying is that if I were on a reality show I’d be on queer eye?” he asked, “as long as they don’t mess it up too much sure, but I’d probably change it back ‘cos this is me.” Sam knew what he liked so that was what he had, and everyone knew that. “Of those things ripping it off, ghosting is like the worst thing you can do.” Sam looked down for a second, “like how do you just disappear and stop talking to someone, that’s just mean.” He ran a hand over his head, he knew that Kitty was right. His tongue flicked over his lips, as he watched her lips. Sam took a deep breath, “yeah, you’re probably right but you would be like the best at playing the game.” He closed his eyes, he might be dating someone, but that didn’t mean he had moved on, it was easier to fake it, than being honest and pine for Kitty when she had made it clear that she wasn’t interested. His hand slowly ran up and down her back. “Okay she’s way better than you if she wasn’t she wouldn’t be one of the pro dancers .”

Sam: closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, he had no idea on why it always was so much easier to touch Kitty. The simplest thing just came naturally to him, he didn’t have to think about what he was doing. But with his girlfriend, his mind had to work almost overtime to do the most simple thing like rubbing her legs. That was not how a relationship was supposed to be, it was supposed to be easy and just flow. And they had agreed on being friends, so maybe he shouldn’t be rubbing her legs like this, but that was something friends could do, and friends could be snuggled up on the couch watching trashy reality TV. It was something he couldn’t do with anyone else, no one besides Kitty understood why liked it, he had tried to explain it but people just looked at him like he had more than one head. Sam shook his head, “Yeah, you’re lucky that Brad’s so lovable,” Sam replied, and at least he would be close to her, even if it was just acting, and that wasn’t what he was supposed to think about. A grin played over his lips when he saw the look on Kitty’s face, “Yeah, I mean you wouldn’t get one anyone they’d think your life would be too boring,” he laughed, shaking his head. “And we wouldn’t want that to happen.” Sam pressed his lips together, “or it would be a great way to end a relationship if you don’t know how to break up with someone.” Sam reached for another slice of the pizza taking a bite, knowing that he shouldn’t drink more, and that with every bite he took, he would have to spend more time at the gym. There was after all a lot of shirtless scenes coming up. “Okay, I don’t need bachelor I got a girlfriend maybe that’s for you,” he replied, a laugh leaving his lips, “and my dance moves are great but I mean if I got paired with Brittany on Dancing with the Stars I wouldn’t say no.”

Sam: didn’t really pay attention to the fact that Kitty’s legs were resting on his lap, it was just what they always did, and it felt natural. Sam closed his eyes, and he knew that he should have known what Kitty had meant, to him, money was just something that was needed. Besides that, a gift always meant more to him if it was something he had wanted or he knew that the person receiving it had wanted it. Something from the heart meant more than something really expensive. “Well, maybe I like being cheap that way,” he replied, his tone light, “because then I know I’m gonna have a good time.” His hands ran up and down her legs, like they always had all the other times they were watching something like this. “But they wanted something different,” Sam replied, he knew what she meant, it had taken some time to get used to it, “and I think some changes are coming soon, since they told me not to get it cut,” a small smile playing on his lips, “but this is way better than a shaved head.” Sam wasn’t sure on how much they had had to drink, “sure, you can stay,” he said, taking another long drink from his beer, he was sure that he was going to go over what was supposed to be his limit tonight. His eyes moved to the TV in front of them, “if you got an offer doing a reality show would you do it?” he asked, “like have someone follow you around all the time.”

Sam: As much as he and Kitty were friends, the word itself wasn't how he would use to describe them, but it wasn't up to him, they were after all more than friends. There was a part of him that wondered if they had ever been just friends. He sat down on the couch, pulling Kitty's legs into his lap, looking over at her. "Of course you'd call me cheap," he replied, "and I'm sure you can count but I can count too, and I can have more than a couple." It wasn't his fault that he really couldn't handle alcohol in larger amounts, "and my hangover depends on what I drink." Sam leaned back, "or maybe it had to do with the studio not letting me at that time," he replied, looking at her with a raised eyebrow. Sam laughed, "fine, let's do that," he said, reaching for a slice of the pizza, "oh, and you do know that I'll probably be over my allowed drinking limit then," he said, taking a bit.

Sam: had worked hard on making sure that his apartment felt like his, and that it would feel like home. It might not had been as easy as he had hoped it would be but at the moment he was proud of it. There wasn't a lot that had changed from the time he and Kitty had been together, the biggest changes were that some of the photos of the two of them had been removed from the walls. Sam still kept them in a box in the back of one the closets, and as far as Sam knew no one knew about that box and that was how he wanted to keep things. A small sigh left his lips, it seemed like Kitty wasn’t going to let go of his slip up from earlier, “And I said I was sorry about that,” Sam replied, almost forcing a smile onto his face. “And it’s just going to be you and me,” he said looking at her, “she’s busy with some stuff.” Sam hadn’t paid that much attention to exactly what it was that his girlfriend, well he used that word in lack of a better one, was up to tonight, he was almost sure that it was some kind of red carpet event and Sam wasn’t comfortable to walk the carpet with her.

He shook his head, “I knew it,” he said plopping down on the floor trying his best to make sure that Kitty would have a hard time to see the TV, “and here I thought you wanted to spend time with a friend,” he said, looking over his shoulder, “but you’re just here for the couch, TV and the pizza,” he huffed, not being able to keep the laugh of his lips. He reached for a bottle, “and how will you know how many I drink?” he asked twisting the cap of the bottle off, “it’s not like you’re going to keep count, maybe I’ll fill them up with water and put the cap back on.” Sam took a sip, “and I haven’t puked from drinking in years, and you never held my hair back so I didn’t think you’d start now,” he reached for the remote putting the sound on, “So let’s start this, wanna make some bets?” he asked, looking at Kitty with a raised eyebrow.

Sam: wasn't sure on why it was bothering him so much that Kitty might not have come over. He was dating someone else, someone that was supposed to make him happy, and he was happy, or at least kind of. But it wasn't even close to how he had felt with Kitty. He knew that he shouldn't compare his relationships but it was almost impossible, since there was a chance, just a small one, that he still was very much in love with Kitty. And he knew that he needed her in his life, she kept him on his toes, and joked with him, and he felt loved, at least most of the time, and as long as she was in his life, Sam could pretend that he was happy.

The knocking and the ringing of the doorbell brought him out of his thoughts, and he let out a small breath before he opened the door. A hand running over his head. "Okay," he never got a chance to say anything besides that before the six pack was shoved in his hands, "sure," and he stepped to the side letting her in. "make yourself at home," he said, closing the door behind them, "and I was about to start the first episode." Sam made his way to the living room, sitting down on the couch, "and the pizza should be here in a few minutes. And I got it just like you want it."

Kitty: Being inside his apartment was sort of a deja vu. Everything was the way he had always had it. Messy but not too messy, homey but still a clear sign of being a bachelor. There had been plenty of times where she had woken up in his arms or with him nearby where she did feel like this was her home as well. Now she focused and tried remembering that it wasn't. Still there was the fact that she knew where everything was. She knew where all of his hiding spots were for condoms throughout the house, she knew where he tucked away photos of his family. Hell, she even knew just exactly where the light came in throughout certain rooms of the house. She pulled her hand behind her neck to pinch away at the tension she was feeling in her shoulders. "oh you mean as opposed to how someone else wants it, because I thought it was just going to be you and me tonight." Maybe a third person wouldn't be such a bad idea so long as it wasn't his new fling. She knew why she was upset but that didn't make it sting any less. If there were one more person in the room maybe things would be easier.

Kitty: knew exactly why everything was bothering her. She knew that she wasn't over Sam. How could there ever be a time when she would be over him? Every time she was reminded of him moving on she felt a physical ache in her chest. As much as she wanted to shut off her emotions she couldn't. Every text, every time she had to look lovingly into his eyes or kiss his lips for a scene she wanted to tell him that she missed him. She wanted to tell him that she felt miserable without him. Still she didn't. If there was one thing that Kitty knew it was that she couldn't handle the pressure of a relationship along with her fame. It was that fact, the thought of failing at something she knew she never wanted to lose. This was what led her to buying Sam a pack of beer and heading to his house. At least as friends she knew she could have him. She knew that keeping him at arms length was better than not having him at all. The entire ride she looked over at the small flask she had packed in her purse. Knowing that she couldn't have an open container in the car she uncapped the top and took a quick gulp of alcohol. She could see the look of her driver. "What? You try going to your exes house sober."

Sam: yes, do that.

Sam: I'll pay for it. Just let me know when you're here so I can pay for it.

Sam: as long as you take a cab or something. and she knows my friends stays over.

Kitty: you want me to uber over to your place?