The Paradox.

You are so hooked up on me. I can see you.I've been watching you for a while .You're life was so perfect I couldn't help but intervene, and now, I'm all that you have left.

You don't have friends anymore. They're afraid of me and you don't know how to convince them I'm only in your head. Maybe you can't even convince yourself ? Maybe you like me here ? I'm with you all the time. I always give you something to do. The thoughts always keep you company .I know you love the fear they cause .You are addicted to fear because it makes you feel alive, I make you feel alive , but I want you dead.

You're relationships are fun to crush. It's satisfying to see you struggle as you try to hold on to the pieces that I break.You are my slave.I come when I desire , I leave when I get bored .But don't worry, I will come back because I don't just leave.I am not a quitter and you are an easy target .

Give up.Give into my suggestions.You can't win because I'm in your head and you can't fight yourself .

Watch the world as it spins around in pools of Grey and black , admire the beauty that I create .You don't like colours .I know you so well.Aren't you happy that I'm here ? You're never lonely anymore .You were always so afraid of being alone and now, I can be there for you.

I will take care of you .You don't need anybody else- you just need me.

W, you are so naive.They won't ever understand who I am. I attack individually.I have many faces and characteristics .You don't know what I'm going to do next . I could come when you're driving down the highway, I could appear when you're trying to cross the street, I could simply lay with you in bed at night, and put pressure on your tired body till you explode.

This is what I am.I am not god.God wants his people to be happy.I don't care about your happiness and neither should you.Happiness is just a fake concept that people believe in.Stick with me and I'll show you what truths to believe in .

You want this to end ? Take me up on my offers .I told you what to do.I gave you the instructions now do as your told , and I will disappear.

I can feel your confusion as it messes with your existance.You don't need to suffer anymore.

You’re back.Why?I thought we were done with each other.Now you’re hiding, giving me hope that maybe, everything will be okay, right?This is exactly what you do.You hide, wait, until I’m finally back on my feet.And then you hit like a hurricane.I knew storm Ophelia was bad, but you, you are ten times worse.You chose to come when you know I’m not able to fight you.You prey on my life.You’re smart and calculating.There’s no fucking mercy with you.You come and ruin everything on your path.You make me hate people, you make me hate life, while life is so beautiful...Thank you for taking all the colors away.I love this grey world you paint,it’s so inspiring!I hate you more than I hate myself.Oh, and I hate myself because of you, so thank for that too?I wish people could see you as you clutch onto my back in the mornings, and travel down my body.By noon, you’re sitting on my chest and I feel dizzy, but you are so fucking invisible.I wish I could be invisible too.Maybe then I could be just as strong as you are. But no, I’m just weak, and you knew that.

You make me sick.You’re a disease that spreads to every single cell in my brain, and you change the chemicals so that they work in your sync.You invade my thoughts like it’s your primary right in this world.I never consented to this sort of invasion.You don’t need consent.You are a god.

No,you’re not.God was always fair to me.I did something bad, god punished me, I did something good, god rewarded me.But you?You don’t believe in rewards.You just keep pressing down on my sanity until I can feel it slipping away.

Let go of all my relationships.All I ask is that you let me love the people I love, and let the people that love me, love me for who I am, not who you paint me to be.

You forced me to say goodbye to my old self.She was beautiful and happy.Now I have to find the new me, so that when you leave for longer, I have something to build my life back up with.

You may be invisible, but some people know your ways.And I made friends with those people, they know you.But you don’t seem to care.They will probably help me fight you, but does it matter?Because right now they’re not here and you are dancing in my head.

1.Life is hard.Sometimes you’re going to have to do things you really don’t want to do but it’s inevitable.It’s going to be scary but just stick with it and don’t forget that nothing lasts forever.

2.You will burn out if you push your body hard enough.It’s not a myth.You’re not immune to tiredness.Listen to your body.

3.Having dreams is fun but you have to be logical about them.If you aren’t careful enough, you might be putting yourself at risk of painful disappointment.

4.Disappointment is really painful.But it’s not the end of the world.Sometimes you don’t realize what you truly need in your life.Disappointments might lead to some amazing new chapters in your life.Please cherish the things that your faith has prepared for you and enter foreign situations with an open mind, you might be pleasantly surprised.

5.Some people and places are amazing.But they mightn’t be there forever, so please, enjoy every second with them so that you have memories to look back on when life forces you to move forward.Life doesn’t stop just because you enjoy a certain part of it.

6.Things might not always go as you planned.There will be twists and turns and painful situations that will crush your image of what life should look like.It’s not a tragedy though, accept your life as it is.

7.Friends come and go, it’s just how life is.Enjoy everyone, and know who’s going to be there when dark times come.You don’t need to see someone everyday to know that they will always pick you up when you need it.Some people are just meant to be in your life.

8.Love isn’t difficult.But it’s not always a rainbow.All you have to know is that the love is there, the rest will always fall into place.

9.Sometimes, you will overlook what your true dreams are made of.Life will do something stupid and painful to show you what it is that you’ve really dreamed of all your life.Go along with it and you will discover a new type of happiness.

10.Listen to your instincts. Depression is real.Don’t let anyone tell you that what you feel isn’t real or that it’s not serious enough to pay attention to it.It’s going to crush you, ruin everything and make you want to quit.Tell people, let the world know you’re not okay and don’t be afraid to admit to your head’s worst thoughts.You’re not a bad person for wanting to get better.

11.Being an adult is fucking hard.Working and studying is hard.Don’t feel guilty for needing a break.

12.Don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your own money.Always have savings just in case.Budget in a way that suits your life.Just because someone has been doing something for longer than you have doesn’t mean it’s the best option for you too, everyone’s financial situation is different.Don’t be afraid to create your own way of budgeting.

13.Drinking water fixes a lot of issues.

14. You’re going to be lost at some point.That’s it.It’s impossible to always know where your life is going.

15.Wear whatever the fuck you want.Don’t listen to anyone’s opinions.Just buy that dress and show your skin if it’s going to make you feel good.

16.Don’t be afraid of doing things just because you don’t want to offend your morals.Sometimes, you have to accept a version of yourself that isn’t so precious and good.It’s not a sin to be yourself.

17.Clean your room regularly.It makes a difference.

18.Look back at your life and identify the things that you need and want.Always prioritize the needs first.You don’t have to have amazing grades to prove that you’re worthy of calling yourself smart.You are smart, even when you think life is trying to tell you differently.

When will I ever be able to get out of here ? Is it ever gonna end ? I want to do good but I do bad .

I'm always the bad guy .Always the nuisance .Always the one to break the fun .

I don't want to be alive if my existence means I'm ruining everything around me .

Please god forgive me for everything and help me get out of this horrendous cycle .

Help me grow . Give me patience and peace .

I don't want to feel like this . So restricted yet so all over the place .

God give me patience to deal with the tantrums my brain throws .Allow me to get passed them .

I don't know what sits inside .Where is the girl I used to be ? Why did she abandon me ?

I am no longer logical .

I can no longer deal with everyday situations.

Why , I can feel it in my body .

A wreacking ball.

Everyday it's the same thing , over and over again till I can't think straight anymore .

They say nothing changes when you become eighteen .

I feel the changes as they flow through my head .

I was thrown into a rigid wave of disappointment and now I'm drowning in reality .

I can't breathe , my responsibilities are suffocating me .

They don't want me , my hard work wasn't good enough and now ,

I have to make a rainbow in a place I don't know .

I wanted to be more .

So bad .

But I'm average .

How do you live with average ? How can you breathe knowing everyone else is you and you are everyone else ?

I have to breathe in the disappointment , inhale it through my nose and feel it travelling through my lungs until ,

It hits the side of my stomach and silence .

What do I do ?

I know what I have to do but do I know how to walk past my feelings as they crush my skull and rip my heart open ?

I am a girl with a world I didn't expect .

I am the her that counts every cent , every milliliter until I can make it .

I am the her that doesn't know how to get there yet .I am the her that needs to get there because everything else is closed off .

I am a woman of dreams that are no longer here . I am the girl that needs to make new goals .

I am the girl that was hit by reality again.Always so afraid of it's return.

Today is the day ,

I think it's time for you to go.

You've placed your mark on my body and now it's time to part our seperate ways .

You've been a regular visitor, with a mouth full of things that tore me apart.

Now I feel empty, as though your presence was something to be greatly admired .

Without your harrowing presence my body feels like an old , empty , jam jar.

But it's not . My body, just like the glistening glass will be recycled one day .

I will be filled with colours and senses , my life is better without you.

So, today.

Today we part our seperate ways ,

While you take off to leech onto my friends,

As I sit , revelling in the peaceful sunrays,.

Thank you for nothing but fear,

Thank you for your departure,

Keep going, I prayed.

As the darkness engulfed my body. Travelling through the synaptic clefts until it consumed me altogether.

A year of growth for a poisonous flower that always tasted the same.

Sour, bitter .

Never sweet .

I thought I was loosing my mind.Crunching on a plant that always seemed to fail me , feeding it with paper until ,

I choked on it's stem.

It had black, shapeless petals and they always grew bigger.

I was afraid to look at the monster that grew taller everyday .

It seemed to tower over my tired body until one day,

It crushed my ribs and I felt the radiating pain,

My chest felt like a ticking bomb .

I walked along the thick consistency of the black that seemed to seep down the edges of the flora .

My hands got stuck and my brain felt numb.

Until one day,

The biggest emotional difficulty I've ever faced is knowing that soon, I'll be me again .

The heart gripping feeling of freedom to be who you once liked , engulfs my body and I feel as though I'm ready to explode with happiness .

The wait is killing me.

I just want me .

I don't want anyone else, I don't want s better version I just can't wait to see the girl I was again in the mirror.

You're so close , I tell myself .

So so close I can almost taste the freedom but it's never been this difficult.

To know you're there but be completely unable to touch her , feel her .

I'm afraid she's just stardust I made up in my head from desperation, what if I lost her for good ?

I don't think I'd survive knowing she's dead and I can't get her back .

I almost want her more than I want the thing that made me loose her in the first place .

Does that make me a fool?

Was I too quick to flick her off like a bug on a summer's evening or did she land on soft grass and waits as I achieve what I wanted to achieve ?

I don't want to believe she's gone for good, I never ment to push her away like she was a worthless object , standing in my way .

But now she's been gone for months and she was the reason I have him, and I can't loose him for being someone I'm not .

I search for signs that show she's holding onto a branch somewhere , in the woods and when the time comes,

I can pick up her delicate body and say,

Blood hitting against the side of my veins,

lungs that feel like they're suffocating.My body feels so foreign.I shift to one position in order to see the moon but I see nothingness.

An abyss full of things I want to break.Fibre by fibre , matter to dust .

Im so engrossed when I feel my body getting cold , shivers running down my right arm, white bones stacked together like Jenga, the pain is tolerable.

But.

I want to feel my body clock stop,

Time and elements to work differently.

Sounds in the distance, banging into my ear , thoughts flowing out through the cochlea.A twisted road of nothing, light at the end of the tunnel.

Close your eyes, feel the weight of the cells as they push together to form one -an eyelid .The work of art, slowly letting go .

Warmth, warmth warmth!

I see tiredness .

But I Love the way he tries to hold me tight, when all the muscles in his body fight, to keep,

the warm embrace .

I Love how we do this together .Side by side , we work like a team.

And when one day I have waterfalls, he is the bucket .

I sat looking at my sister ,

As she promised not to sin.In front of the whole world she pledged , not to damage the life she was given .

Graced with the presence of courage, she is ready to start life , if she was listening .I never did .

Because what was said was the truth .

Courage was never my thing .So I made these mistakes , and regretted them ever since .

I damaged what was given to me for free, even though I was asked to take care of it,

like the little pin of a dove she wore proudly on her chest .

I didn't take care of my dove, because he didn't like it's colour.

I didn't listen, when I was told I'd need courage,

Courage to say no when he offered me a world under fibres .

My sister Has a Brand New dove, the chance to make life hers .

To not wash Her dove in misleading happiness .

And I.

I want to turn into an alarm clock,

That screams anytime she tries to give her dove away to someone else .

I want to scream till she's deaf, because all I ever heard was silence .

Hopefully, Her courage is everlasting .Stuck to Her like glue when she enters the room of survival (commonly known as a school ).

I hope I can watch my sister , saying goodbye to her dove, because SHE was sick of it .

I feel like I'm drowning again.

Repeadatly until I fall into fear.

It's the last time I want to feel like this, and it probably won't be the last time but by god do I need

A break.

I've Lost self Control and now I'm loosing myself slowly.

Rapidly.

Its this horrendous cycle, I can't keep up .

The Pink colour fading off the edges of my being .

I can't stop the monster.

I can't stop the waterfalls it feeds on and the days where it's most prominent.

You're the light in my darkness.

The bed, soaked in the warmth of your body I lay still.

As you climb on top .

That's when I loose myself in you, the weight of your body sending chills down my spine.

I'm so in love with you.

One ,two , three.

Your lips feel like heaven on burning skin.

I look from above ,

at your beautiful face.

Then, you do that thing.That smile as you travel south.

I'm already yours but tonight you've got me as a whole.

You don't have the cracks and holes.

You have the real me.

So do your dance, your slow movements , do it every time, do it until I can't breathe.

Do it now while I'm still there , with you.Overtaken by your presence .

Your lips.My drug.

I could stay like that forever .I don't need anything else .I don't need the ethanol, the chemicals, the plastic.

It's all about the momentum

You said but I wasn't listening .

My body entered a state of awe as you pushed me back and forward while I lay still.

Adrenaline rushing through my ice cold body like water dripping down the side of an ice cub.

Your face, it looked so beautiful from above

the lines , the creases, the infinite geometric shapes as they form the star, the light .

It's so easy to love you.

The creek in the swing creates a burst of light, a moment

Everything is on fire but today,

I'm not afraid of it .

I stare in awe as your face turns to mine, still warm from the heat.

Then you chuckle which makes my knees feel like the soil underneath out feet, unstable.

One push.

And I'm flying with butterflies yet, you're always there ,

To catch me .

I fall into a pillow , deafened by my own laughter as if it was something you created .

And perhaps you did .

Soft, safe, harmless,

You are the reason I can't breathe.Sometimes, I want to open up my vocal chords like butterflies that spread their wings and shout

"this is him, I love him"

But your giggle already travels through the nitrogen, oxygen and all the other particles who fight ,

just to be able to touch you .

I am no longer a stranger within the elements I am

one of them .

And you?

You make me love you more that my brain can actually comprehend.

1.Things can get so much better than they were .Your life can do a 360 ° turn and you'll find yourself in a completely new life . Don't be afraid of changes .And never underestimate the power that one year withholds .

2. People can be so amazing.Expecially those who care about you .And you'll find help everywhere if you decide to let it in . Remember the people that helped you be who you are today .

3 .DREAMS COME TRUE ! Even the ones you made as a 10 year old , hopeless child.They will come true trust me it's always a good idea to put them down on paper because one day you'll land in a situation that seemed surreal and you'll think back to that sheet of paper , realising you're doing exactly what you always wanted to .Be grateful .

4. There's always going to be rainy spells and towering grey clouds .But they're not that scary if you truly look what you've got in the bigger picture .Meet those days with grace and trust me you'll feel so much better .

5. Some friendships aren't ment to last so enjoy every single person while you can because one day you will loose them and it'll hurt like hell but that's just the course of things.Accept it .

6. You'll get noticed by people you'd never thought would look your way but you gotta work hard for that to happen .

7. You will always have the forever people in your life .The ones you know will always stay and it's a feeling deep down in your gut , they will always be there .But you mightn't realize how much they mean to you until a certain situation makes you think you might loose them . Appreciate those people .And don't worry if they're 2000 kilometres away.

8 .People close to you might not be the people that are close to your heart .And love is a difficult thing expecially when it comes from family . Accept the drifting atmosphere and think about those that actually do love you .

9.Revel in the Sunrays because they won't always be there and you'll feel horrible when the dark days come so sit and appreciate as the sun hits your cheek because that's when you'll truly be happy .

10 .Dance and sing until you can't feel your feet anymore and never turn down a concert or a festival .They will set your heart on fire .

11.Make summer your destination and the driving force that keeps you going because trust me it'll be worth it .

12.Don't be afraid to meet new people.They might turn out to be one of the most important things in your life and they can actually guide you through the times that you were so set on dealing with by yourself.

13.Not every guy is a dick and there's a guy out there who will adore you just the way you need him to .Allow yourself to believe in love but don't bother trying to forget about a hurtful past .Accept it but never feel guilty for not forgetting.

14.Set yourself an outrageous goal.I promise you as scary as it will seem, it'll keep you excited all year around .Try to push your own limits to the point where you can't sleep at night .That's what makes life so interesting.

15. Accept your own flaws and don't be afraid to talk about them . Someone will understand, and someone won't make you feel bad about feeling that way , I promise .

16. Do everything you can to obtain confidence because trust me confidence is the greatest thing you'll ever come across in your life .

17. If it's absolutely petrifying then definitely do it .