Moon Rotten

Last night me and my gf had this fight, it really sucked. We were talking about how our little chihuahua puppy needs a friend, and foe lol. She’s a handful and wants to fight all the time, so we thought if she had a kitty friend they’d probably play a lot. Unfortunately we live with my parents, and they hate cats. I recalled a time we had a cat here at the house and my parents couldn’t STAND it, it was only there because my ex had brought it, and she was living with us. So I told my gf “yeah, we used to-“ and i fucking froze because i didnt want to talk about the cat knowing it was my ex’s cat, and I knew she would ask me who’s cat it was or how i got it or something and I’d have to bring up my ex, so i just completely avoided it after. After that, she looked really upset and looked down at her phone and got quiet /.\ i asked if she was okay or upset, and at first she kept saying she was fine, but you know how you can feel when that’s not true. Then…wtf, idk for some reason i cant remember what happened next, like i cant remember word for word what was said and i dont want to make something up in replacement, i just know i ended up telling her how i was gonna tell her there was a cat here but it was my ex’s, i thought thats what she was upset about, but then she said no, it was because i said “yeah, we used to-“. She was upset about the “we” part, she thought i was still categorizing my ex with me as a we, like ew i just get ick even writing that. That person abused me mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially. I know everyone says there ex’s are narcissists, sociopaths, all that..but i really fucking lived it. I have been traumatized through that whole experience, and all i felt in that relationship was STUCK. Honestly i can go on, and i was about to but its not even the point, i just cant stress how blessed and happy i feel every day to have escaped that situation, yeah escaped. I had my mom come rescue me across the states..had donations set up to help. When I met my gf i was still in the middle of the divorce, still retraumatizing myself for evidence (yet i never sued because i didnt have the money nor mental capacity..) and she was there for it a little, but even as friends i couldnt talk to her about it, because she never wanted to hear about it, and it would upset her..she had feelings for me fairly quickly so she just didn’t really listen to me about it..for a while i had grown resentful because i was always curious about her past relationships so i know how to better care and love her, understand her wounds. Whenever she brought them up i NEVER complained. For a while she was convinced i still loved my ex, which would frustrate me leading me to confess about my resentment. Down the line of our relationship i eventually got the chance to speak about it, and she had seen videos of the verbal abuse, and physical photos. Im not even sure if she had seen the bruises photos tbh /: im too scared to ask. I know i still need to go to therapy to deal with the trauma i dealt with, that was 3 years of confusing pain. Anyway, she knows all of that and saw it, she even heard this fucked up voicemail of hers. So idk i get caught off guard when she thinks i’d still have something for someone like that, she saw so much of the trauma.

Dude all of this was so long..i got a little off track, its just how my mind works, it goes into depth about so many fucking things. Im just trying to keep it together and understand it all. Anyway..

I meant we as in me and my family here in the house, we had a cat living here at one point. I tried explaining this to her and she started behaving as if she didn’t believe me..i started to panic because a few months ago something like this happened where she believed i had sex with someone, and she fell into this delusion so deeply that she truly believed it, even though this was a close friend of mine who was married and she went through all our messages and her “evidence” was me telling her i love you for giving me makeup ideas to buy my gf a birthday gift and she was into all the new trends and fads so i asked her, i do love all my friends and this friend of mine had helped me so much through my previous relationship and even came out here with her bestfriend to hangout because my dog passed away, she also just happened to be in town because she lives 4 hours away, and was staying in a neighboring city next to our town, so she wanted to cheer me up. This was a genuine friend who NEVER romanticized me or showed any sign of interest besides friendship..i tend to struggle with friendships because they end up falling for me idk, i dint want to sound like im full of myself because i dont even understand why..anyway, I let my gf call my friend because she asked, and my friend spoke about her husband and my gf started screaming at her all these bad words and hungup and she stormed out the house in the middle of an episode, and she disappeared on the 30th of december and i fucking fell apart, she went missing for 5 days , i thought she fucking killed herself cuz her phone went off the next morning at 11am . Her last words to me were “ i hate you dont come looking for me dont contact me leave me tf alone how could you do this to me fuck you” and she sped off in her car . I cried all new years eve. I didnt eat all those days she was gone, i almost lost my job because i abruptly left, i couldn’t work because i worked near ICU cleaning the patients room and seeing all the dying patients triggered so much pain and fear and worry. She was reported missing, we had helicopters looking all over the mountains and her phone remained off all those days. We found her car at a hospital but they told us she had been discharged the next day december 31, and walked off, (they had to lie) it had been 2 days since that day, so where did she walk to . Police finally got info and she was traced to this mental hospital 3 hours away. Her mom called me and warned me to prepare because she was saying hurtful things, and yeah, when she called she was still in the middle of her episode..it was really hard and i cant imagine how she fucking felt. What she was going through to make her burst this way..in november we ran into this guy who assaulted her years ago and is the reason she was put in a dangerous situation and has so much trauma (gang related) which triggered this mental breakdown when we left the scene, and the following month, one of her bestfriends passed away..she had ignored this friend so she carried guilt /: then on Christmas she went through my phone and saw a status i had made days before talking about something i did to my exs chapsticks before i had escaped. I thought it was a funny thing to share but alas, i am an idiot. I know I shouldn’t have made such a stupid post about somebody who doesn’t matter. I realized how wrong i was when i saw how much it upset her..i still feel like a moron about it to this day, i know that was so unacceptable.. and then lead the complete breakdown on the 30th..i was just scared all of this was going to happen again so i kept blabbering things, but it’s like im trying too hard to control things and keep them from getting out of hand from before that i almost sound so fucking phoney…and all this lead me to these thoughts that have been brewing about my childhood trauma, like some deep wounded shit. I am such an emotional person but at the same time, im very detached from my emotions. I detach to better handle situations level headed but then i start panicking and get lost in emotions..

This can honestly go on forever, i swear we experience lifetimes with one another.

Good news: it was just 1 meal today

Yesterday it was 2, and today i narrowed it down to 1.