pale as a ghost in the afternoon

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, a shit ton of vodka succeeds. and by that i mean: when some guy you’ve been fucking on the low texts you because he believes you’re the love of his life, you can just leave him on read, and drink lots of alcohol… besides, he must be tripping if he thinks i wasn’t also banging his sister.. and his dad. yikes!

SOUNDS LIKE A SHITSHOW. did he really say he was in love with you? gross. how is that even possible? you’re about as charming as chewed up shoe-gum. kidding -- but seriously you were double fucking him over? i thought i was bad. pass me the bottle.

I tried to put Kayla down for a nap, and the little bugger hid under the couch. First of all, when did the bottom of couches become so spacious? Second, would it be cruel to keep a leash on her so I at least have a way of getting her out? I haven’t been on my knees in at least two months, I’d love to keep that rate going. 

“ so i was walking up the stairs this morning, and i was wondering my legs hurt so much, right? and then i remembered that after taking a bunch of tequila shots last night i thought it’d be a really great idea to do some squats and wall sits. so like — like, comment and subscribe for more great and relatable health and fitness content? ”

“... i think you need our lord and savior jesus christ in your life. or at least in your ass because it’s gonna hurt you sometime soon, honestly. i’d suggest icing yourself.... or you know, not doing drunk shenanigans.” 

“so my tattoo shop is finally opening up this weekend – am i gonna be seeing you there or what?”

“of course, of course! i already have something in mind, babe. i want ‘princess’ on my ass. in fancy letters.”