the rumor mill

BED: Lily Evans & Remus Lupin 

Ah, the pairing that never was. Let’s not lie to ourselves – we were all waiting for it to happen during their school days, weren’t we? Two bookish goody-two-shoes who could have swayed together at the holiday balls, a respectful six inches apart. We must admit that they’d also be a good candidate for making a marriage work. 

But there’s a deal-breaking elephant in the room! Having lots of zeroes in your bank account balance is only a good thing if zero isn’t the only number represented. Both Evans and Lupin are cozied up to moneyed men at the moment, and we lovingly advise them to keep it that way! 

WED: Safiye Fawley & Evan Rosier 

Jokes aside, this one also makes a lot of sense. If truly nothing is going on between the Rosier heir and Ava Avery, Safiye Fawley’s parents would have a lot to approve of, should she gets a Rosier ring onto her finger. Put the age difference aside – nobody would blink if it were the other way around! If the rumors are true about the Fawleys sniffing around for a betrothal for their daughter, this gossip column would like to officially cast our vote for where they should look next! 

BEHEAD: Benjy Fenwick & Harper Baddock 

BED: Ofelia Jugson & Emma Vanity 

Sure, Ofelia is married – but if there’s anyone who can look the likes of Quentin Jugson in the eyes without fear it’s the tenacious and terrifying Miss Vanity. And since when don’t those society types like stepping out on the marriages for some fun with the right sort? They’re both good, pureblood stock and Emma Vanity is discrete to a fault (trust us, we’ve complained about it before!) 

Plus, no chance of a pregnancy scare before Quentin’s heredero forzoso is conceived. 

WED: Evan Rosier & Ava Avery

This one might really be in the cards! And it makes sense, when you think about it logically. Both single, respectable, beautiful purebloods – not only the same age, but at that very special age when their parents are likely to tighten their grip and start negotiating their kids’ legacies. The process might put the unromantic OW! in dowry, but let’s not pretend it hasn’t worked before. 

BEHEAD: Lily Evans & Benjy Fenwick 

Evans and Fenwick have a lot in common. Both muggleborn, both vocally political, both whip-smart (or both know-it-alls, depending on whose opinion you’re asking for!)

Apologies to James Potter and his overpriced hair products, but we’d be happy to see his relationship with his girlfriend and his wannabe brother blow up in favor of declaring those two: BED MATERIAL ! 

Sure, it would be supremely shitty for Mr. Black to betray the confidence of his best friend and—admittedly—we’re pretty sure that he’s no longer playing for that team. But what’s hotter than an affair that’s taboo in all the most fun ways? 

Fingers crossed! We love an extended drama saga. Sure, one of those things might give us something to whisper about for a week or two – but they truly have the power to be the gossip gift that keeps on giving! The only thing in the news these days is doom and gloom and missing persons reports. 

WED: Gretchen Ollivander & Dorcas Meadowes 

Yes, blondes are supposed to have more fun, but this seems like the pairing with the best chance to make it through the long haul! Someone to bring Gretchen down to earth and make her think through her decisions? Someone to get Dorcas out of her shell and get her to live in the moment? Perfection! They’re an unlikely pairing but there’s a whiff of success coming off this hypothetical pairing. 

BED: Antonin Dolohov & Sebastian Nott 

Antonin needs a long term partner with a little more...direction, and Sebastian seems like he’s still in party mode. But these two are delicious enough to eat, together or a la carte. They should get their rough-and-tumble on! (In fact, I’ll wink and accuse you of being naive if you insist they never have. They’re so close!) 

BEHEAD: Bellatrix Black & Sirius Black 

Dear esteemed readers across the Wizarding World, 

How about a fun twist on a classic game: ‘wed, bed, behead’? 

Send in the names of any two people—whether they’re together or not—and we’ll tell you whether they’re a WED, a BED or a BEHEAD. In other words, whether they would survive a trip down the aisle, whether we think they’d send up some sparks if they shagged, or if we’d all be better off putting them out of their misery. 

Or, if you’re feeling feisty: send in SIX names and we’ll pair them off. One couple to tie the knot, one to rumple the sheets, and one that ought to call it quits. 

Who doesn’t love a good mix and match?! 

You are not wrong, my thorny little friend! So many witches and wizards were off our radar during the last two weeks. Tell it straight to that wee voice in the back of your head: maybe everyone is hanging out without you! 

There’s a lot of power in it for both of them, any way you slice it. 

If they do get married, little Rosier can just emulate the Tyler Warrington Seniors and Abraxas Malfoys that came before him and have a cheeky little string of affairs! And if Evan doesn’t want to put a ring on it, all Ava needs to do is be the first one to pop out a bouncing baby boy as his heir and she’s set for life. 

No news on that front, other than them both being publicly alive, well and happy. But, who knows? I’m rooting for a reprisal of their epic sixth year meltdown. Lucinda sold her best buddy out once before to steal Emma’s Quidditch captaincy. Now she’s got a foothold working as an attaché at the Ministry of Magic, where Vanity’s been breaking her neck to establish herself since she learned how to walk. 

Although the upper pureblood echelons have always brought new levels of fashion and eyerolls to the phrase ‘living in sin,’ this news really takes the cake. After all, with the gorgeous cheekbones and shiny hair those two have? If they aren’t saving gold on heating charms by rolling around together under the covers, they’re missing out. 

I wonder what Daddy Avery thinks about his only daughter playing house with a Rosier. Think they planned it together? No way to know for now, so we’ll keep our eyes and ears out.