Fear and Loathing Of WhitJanay...

Honestly Ive been thinking about suicide all day today. But as much as I want to die I don’t want to leave my daughter

I almost walked out of my daughter’s life today. I got in the car and cried. I thought about all the hurt I was going to cause her. All the unanswered questions I would create. I thought about all the milestones in her life I would deprive myself of. I dreaded the things that people would tell her about me in my absence. The lies and hurtful stories they would spoon feed her when ever she would open her mouth to express that she missed me. I contemplated how she would hate me forever. Grow cold, emotionless, and her smile that I love so much would dwindle and never be genuine again. She’d never know that her mother was sufficating and struggling to love motherhood. That for three years she’s been trying her best to keep it all together. The acclimate to this new life and be the mother you needed her to be. That all though she loved her so much that continuing to be a mom was killing her spirit. That she was slowly becoming a shell of the person that she once was. And that the only thing she thought doing to better her daughter’s life was to leave.....I got in my car today to leave my life of motherhood behind. To just go and be free. But as I went to crank the car. The low gas light came on.