* RAISE / DEFY

SO   SWEET   THE   IDEA   OF   A   REUNION  ,       so  bitter  and  awfully  harsh  the  truth  of    ( merciless )   reality .    he ,  once  charming  tongue  forming    saccharine  syllables ,   now  the  mere  shadow  of  a  soul  who    bided  his  time    surrounded  by  spiting  fires  and  devilish  thoughts  haunting  his  mind .    oh ,  that  voice              will  he  ever  forget  that  voice ?   echoing  inside  his  skull ,  a  mantra  of    harrowing  prayers    he  does  not  dare  to  repeat !

what  were  you  thinking ?    she  asks  with  such  disbelief .  but  doesn’t  she    understand ?   doesn’t  she   see   there  was  no  other  way              that  he  had  lied ,    again  and  again ,  broken  her  trust  and  hurt  her .   i  love  you ,  spellman .    the  honest  truth ,  genuine  and  raw  dripping  from  rose  petals  of  a  liar ,   rotten  heart    beating  to  the  drum  of    death  march   in  the  distance .    what  were  you  even   T H I N K I N G ?

‘  i am learning to appreciate the simple things, like you.  ’

‘  we carry our own loneliness with us.  ’

‘  let them hate me, so long as they fear me.  ’

‘  i am surprised more suicide notes don’t just say ‘ no thank you ’.  ’

‘  everyone should have a contingency plan for when the dead rise. mine is to see my brother again.  ’

‘  even monsters are welcome when your home feels empty.  ’

‘  live every day like it’s your second last.  ’

‘  my five year plan is to maybe go out for ice cream this afternoon?  ’

‘  wherever you go, there you are, murdering more people.  ’

‘  there are two types of love: true love, and the love we actually get.  ’

‘  i don’t want to die alone, which i guess means i don’t want to die.  ’

‘  you are never here. you are always almost there.  ’

‘  you miss 100 percent of the shots you take at people who aren’t really there.  ’

‘  i only miss 92% of the shots i don’t take. no big deal.  ’

‘  i am so tired of taking everyone’s word for it that money doesn’t buy happiness.  ’

‘  when you get that look, nobody is safe. it’s why i first fell in love with you.  ’

‘  things are easier since i stopped dreaming.  ’

‘  i don’t wish i were dead, but some time off from being alive would be nice.  ’

‘  i cannot see where i want to go, only that i want the going.  ’

‘  it’s not you, it’s me. it’s both of us. actually, it’s your dad. it feels good to admit that.  ’

‘  there are so many hours in a day.  ’

‘  you and me will die the way we lived, telling ourselves stories to make it mean something.  ’

‘  when someone tells you you are wasting your life, smile real wide, and suggest they be grateful that you don’t waste theirs next.  ’

‘  it’s the little things that keep us going. like violence.  ’

‘  some friends you see every day, and some friends you see when there’s blood in the air. you need both.  ’

‘  you either die a hero or live long enough to die from alzheimer’s.  ’

‘  roses are red, violets are blue, you can do whatever you want to me.  ’

‘  i used to think being intelligent was enough.  ’

‘  i don’t know what the fuck true love even is, but i do want to hang out with you for basically the rest of my life.  ’

‘  fake happiness beats genuine misery.  ’

‘  relationships work best if we are honest about not wanting to know the truth.  ’

‘  i’m pretty sure the mysterious depths of the ocean is a metaphor for this conversation. does it ever end?  ’

‘  everyone smiles at us, like we’re the cutest couple. let’s do something wrong.  ’

‘  at my worst, i worry you’ll realize you deserve better. at my best, i worry you won’t.  ’

now, i don’t know, but i’ve been told, and that’s true of everything i know.

i don’t even know how to begin.

i don’t even know who i am. i’m not here.

i’ve got a thousand one stories. every single one of them’s a lie.

let me read you a story, let me read you a romance.

i will read, you will listen, and this terrible night will pass.

when i was a child i used to play with all the voices in my head. 

i don’t know if this is me at all or just some ghost of me that i dreamed up just to sing myself to sleep. 

i’m sorry. here, have some whiskey.

sit first, and drink a bit. you need to take care of yourself.

it’s a beautiful name. old fashioned, you don’t hear it a lot anymore. 

i’m a little confused and more than a little frightened.

this is a circular story.

i don’t believe any of this.

don’t you remember?

when i was a baby, i was blessed by a stranger in waters i didn’t understand.

i’m infected with disbelief and blasphemy.

i’ll never have a holy land. 

i am a ghost in the eyes of my god.

i will become the next best thing.

i will light myself on fire.

it’s time to get out of bed and be the starchild i can be.

the game is on my phone.

she selects the sword!

there’s a man on the platform screaming about the apocalypse.

reveal it to me. reveal me everything. reveal it to me, please, right now.

i suffer from a family evil.

i am a slave to terror.

i have a morbid acuteness of the senses. 

i only eat the most insipid foods, only wear garments of certain textures.

the odors of flowers are oppressive to me.

my eyes are tortured by faint light.

there are only certain, peculiar sounds, like those from stringed instruments, that do not inspire me with horror.

i dread the future.

why did you leave me? why did you disappear?

i am a soldier and, as a soldier, i have gotten used to death.

ghosts don’t bother me anymore.

come here, soldier, look me in the eyes.

if i told you i loved you, would you give me some honey?

come here, soldier, sit down in my lap.

if i told you when i saw you i felt a little shock, and that all the stars and moons and skies and birds and trees and sharks and seas and even i began to cry and tremble.

my heart leaps in my throat. i feel electric pulses in my fingertips.

come here, soldier, let me suck your thumb. 

this is special and love is more than chemicals.

it’s me and you and angels, too, and time will end and we’ll transcend and rise above the ash and dirt. 

baby, i could never hurt you.

would you believe me?

do you believe in love?

i am a soldier. i don’t believe in anything.

if you’re gonna steal my honey, please wait until i’m drunk.

take me onto the dance floor and let me cry against your cheek.

i won’t speak. i won’t say a word.