WHISPATCHET

*checks wiki*

oh wow that's just--

I thought it was just gonna be FUNNY

and it was but then it just PUNCHES YOU IN THE HEART

Okay. So uh. If I was writing it as a fanfic I would write Shockwave perfectly pretending to be asleep without opening his eyes…er…eye. Unfortunately this is not a text and I cannot just narrate his internal emotions so~ You’re gonna have to assume no one saw him peeking at the conversation ok?

SHEILD and countless government agencies are baffled at how he’s managed to avoid being monitored and located for so long meanwhile the metaphorical camera just pans over to this 15 year old vigilante about to engage in the height of stupidity every ten minutes.

SHEILD try’s and fails to predict Spider-Man’s patrol route and debates how he always knows where crime will occur unaware that Peter has no designated route and simply follows his spider-sense.

Countless villains have tried spiking his food or drink meanwhile spy’s are watching in horror and astonishment as Peter Parker consumes his fourth cyanide laced Snapple that they left out to trap the vigilante

SHEILD trying to use gait recognition but fails because Peter Parker is just dragging his feet from exhaustion and constantly limping from injuries on patrol meanwhile Spider-Man practically never has a full minute of time where his feet are planted on the ground so they can’t collect data.

SHEILD is carefully monitoring every single hospital in New York trying to figure out where Spider-Man goes when he’s injured but Peter in inevitably sitting in his bathtub quietly debating if bleach will work as a disinfectant for a stab wound.

Jameson sends private investigators to monitor Peter Parker and find out how he gets photos of Spider-Man and these poor detectives have to watch three days of this kid bed rotting not aware that he’s just passed out from a concussion and conserving energy.

Police try using tracking dogs but Spider-Man is always covered in strange alien slime or various mysterious substances from whatever freak of the week he’s fighting. Meanwhile they keep getting led to this random teenager waist deep in a dumpster fishing for trashed tech.

SHEILD keeps setting up teams to decipher the codes Spider-Man has left them but it’s just a mix of bad grammar, concussion typing and teenage brain rot lingo.

Nobody can get a solid read on Spider-Man’s build or description because the little shit is constantly contorted into strange arachnid like positions and keeps fluctuating his weight by like 30 pounds ever week depending on how much food he’s managed to shovel into his mouth.

SHEILD starts watching through street cameras to catch him unmasked but instead get really depressing footage of the spider themed vigilante splayed on the floor of sketchy alleyways trying to pick coins out of drain pipes and getting excited when he successfully grabs a entire dollar bill.

People start trying to monitor social media platforms and online searches but nobody can find the coloration between Peter searching “How to stitch bullet wounds easy for beginners” and Spider-Man searching “ Brand new day spark-notes rhetorical devices”

Mercenaries get hired to take out Spider-Man but he keeps scaring them off. Unrelated note Deadpool is for some reason now friends with this kid named Peter.

SHEILD is flabbergasted at how well Spiderman is trained to lose someone tailing him meanwhile it’s just Spider-man getting lost and improvising his way home.

Villains take Spider-Man’s photographer hostage to lure him out and the dude literally never shows up. What a prick.

The courts try to sue Spider-Man for property damage and vigilantism and the guy GENUINELY gets a lawyer named Matt. Fast forward a week and Spider-Man now wants a trademark on the hyphen between “Spider” and “man”

Since I paid $70 for it--a little more than I would have liked--I'm trying to not spend money on the reupholstery and just use what I already have. So no new purple velvet.

Blue and golds it is.